Sefton RUFC

Lanky: Sefton’s Liz Truss

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This morning, we learn late of the Truss-like withdrawal of regular 2s Captain Lanky.

Heading down south, no doubt, to throw his hat into the Tory Leadershit ring.

Who does he leave in charge?

   

Is it Sefton’s only victorious Captain this season – the dependable 3s Captain Campo? (the 3s game today has been postphoned).

No. The obvious choice is blatantly ignored. Clearly the 2s are happy to continue losing.

  

Is it on-field Captain when-we-have-an-easy-game Blandie – who has actually won a couple of games recently??

No. But that is almost understandable – we don’t want the players revolting.

  

No. It is sHamling who is left holding the bath water.

sHamling of the knackered knee, cricked neck, blocked nose, tiny old lady’s car, no clinky bag, and the worst Match Report writer the Club has seen!

We are doomed from the start.

  

   

The Day Trip to Tyldesley

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Its amazing.

We had loads of players that were more than happy to travel out to Port Sunlight for the 3s game, but didn’t have the time to travel to Bolton.

They are both the same distance by car, but Beckwith, Arnold * and Goulding must’ve been looking at how the crow flies.

So, it was with only 1 substitute that we went to Tyldesley.

We decided to follow Hamling’s little blue Polo, thinking he would want to get to the game before kick off…

Little did we realise that his car is speed restricted to 50 miles on the motorway and he had to drop off some Christmas presents to his Auntie Beryl on the way!!

We make it just in time…

* I only found out later that Paddy Arnold had phoned up saying he had the washine machine guy coming over, so he couldn’t play. Paddy had confided to me, in the strictest of confidence a few years ago, that this is a role playing game he organises with his ‘flat-mate’. One of them would dress up like a tradesman, and knock at the door, and then get ‘accidently’ stuck in one of the home appliances…

It probably explains how Paddy gets stuck on the 10 yard line for most of the game.

  

  

The Warm Up

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Wannabe Captain sHamling was clearly up to something in his 95 minute drive to Tyldesley today.

Thinking.

He’s obviously looked at the Sefton Team sheet and assessed his strengths.

And he’s clearly read EVERY one of Lanky’s boring arse Match Reports.

Today Revolutionary Captain sHamling is going to try something different.

Forget the warm up, who cares about having warm thumbs anyway?

Today, we gather around and listen to the sHamling Master Plan….

“Boys, our strength is in our forwards, we need to keep it tight, and drive it through the middle.

We need to do this at the start of the game”.

 

   

The Game

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Unfortunately, the Churchillian-esque sHamling speech game plan did not cover the rest of the game.

After a perfect start, with the Sefton forwards shoving the ball up their jumpers (all except Jack Crone), we scored the first try.

But, as Recent Winning Captain Campo will tell you, you don’t want to score the first try.

This only angers the opposition, and makes them more determined!

Tyldesley came back at us, with a vengeance, scoring at will, through the backs of course.

  

Sefton’s plight was not helped by the lack of backs today, with most of the players being more on the slow and heavy side.

One can only imagine the glee that the Tyldesley kicker had, when he found out the Sefton hooker was playing fullback as well.

The targeting was almost inhumane.

The whole first half was played on Sefton’s try line.

To their credit, Sefton defended admirably.

  

  

The Tries

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Both tries were from the identical Dempsey twins.

They are amazing. One has a baby, they other one has a baby. One scores a try, the other scores a try. One get a window from a glass, the other get a window from a glass.

Lanky and I are trying to get them to Captain our teams. We only need to get 1 ….

  

  

Semenal moment

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Blandie always plays with a scrum cap on.

I think he’s worried that his stubbly head might scratch somebody.

Anyway, today he’s been put in the forwards, to give young Harry Osborne a chance to shine at nine *.

At 6, Blandie has a ball. It’s so easy to hide in the forwards and not do anything. This could well be his position.

It’s a hot day, at half time, after squirting most of the team water over his head, he throws his head gear to the sideline and struts back out for the second half, confident in his Action Avoidance position: “Too hot for the hat!”.

  

Last-Resort Captain Hamling has been thinking though, how to stop the Tyldesley kicker exposing our 57 year old fullback…

Young Osborne, probably the fastest in the Club, is banished to the back, and Blandie finds his world turned upside down into the 9 shirt. Now he has to get involved.

  

Tyldesley had this well weighted prop, who actually knew how to ruck, occasionally.

Sefton were in possession, tackled, but seemingly secured, when the abundantly weighted prop decides to counter ruck, skittling a few Sefton players right into poor Blandie’s unprotected head!!

Down he goes. There is some moaning. There was a hint of some snickering in the Sefton ranks. The game is stopped.

The rest of the water is designated to Blandie, and he’s back up, tightly adjusting the retrieved scrum cap. Play on.

* That was NOT to insinuate that Blandie shines at nine! He is more flicker and fade.

 

   

Commitment and Balls – The 2 James’

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We have a lot of Jay’s in our Club, and we also have Tom James, and Jonathan James.

   

In the Dictionary, if you were to look up the word, “Commitment”, there is a good chance that it will NOT mention Tom James.

Tom was keen as mustard for a run out today, loudly declaring his intentions last night, but today, a big no show.

Mind you, he’d’ve probably only have been good for 70 minutes anyway, with his attitude…

Word is that Tom is in the armed forces. (Heaven help us when the Ruskies invade!).

   

As for “Balls”, for a little while longer now, you may find a reference to Jonathan James, in older editions.

JJ probably did step up a bit today, in a game where the Sefton backs didn’t really play much of a part.

Unfortunately though, Mrs Jonathan James has decided that there are a enough bald, ugly, crap rugby playing Welshmen in the world and has lined up her husband for the snip.

This will no doubt require a re-write for the Dictionary, maybe they’ll update the word, “Passive”.

  

  

Man of the Match

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Today, Inovative and Indecisive Captain Hamling awarded 3 man of the matches:

 - The growing Mikey Dempsey, with his head down surges gaining yards and yards every time,

 - Steve Teale, securing 30 rucks on his own, and

 - Tom Founds for being classier than eating a pizza with a knife and fork.

Me? I would’ve given it to the 3 men in the front row, for their numerous scrums gainst the feed and line out steals.

  

  

Prognosis

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Credit to Hamling today, going out and getting some beers, ice and a clinky bag.

He did actually try to deliver a decent pre-match game plan, but needs to work on his delivery.

His delivery, his motorway driving, his injuries, and his impact on the game.

Other than that, he probably could be trusted again (but probably only with the 2s).

Hopefully he has learnt something from his combination “Hooker and Fullback” strategy.

Also, a big thank you to our President Amanda for her silent cheerleading inactivity today. (She asked to be mentioned).

Her Phil did a pretty good job on the wing today, and didn’t let anybody down.

     

Yours, Dejected Captain Campo, sniff.