Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

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Numbers were good.

A couple of new guys had come down to training, but the 2s were Away so they went with Hamling.

3s prop, Chris Lewis was also taken, with fat players being quite scarce at Sefton.

(I reckon it would be just like Hamling to give Chris the 2s lipstick “Man of the Match”, just to encourage him to come back!).

But the 3s had 17 good men (on paper), although only 1 alleged prop, the virginal Owen. (poor Darrell was getting nervous).

 

 

The Crying Wall

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Saturday morning, standing in the Sefton car park, besides the formidably constructed wall of empty tissue boxes *, I stared at my phone, trying to guess who was going to cry off first.

I was thinking Goulding. His daughter was 21 last night, which meant he probably got an invitation. (Goulding was late for the kick off, he was there in body at least).

  

But firstly, its Dan Tung. He’s contracted some disease off his siblings. He is a very sick boy him.

  

And then it came.

The usual Saturday morning text.

Unsurprisingly, its big Joe. Here we go again…

(He won’t call me and talk).

 Joe: “My calf.

   On the way to training.

   I was only walking.

   Please don’t tell Wayne”.

Campo: “Oh you poor bunny, we will survive without you.

   Again.

   Maybe don’t walk for a few weeks.

   Why can’t I tell Wayne?”.

Joe: “It’s just because he is so fit and strong and fast”.

Campo: “Ok then, ‘you’ve got overtime again today’, all right?”.

  

He’s amazing Joe, he’s like our Daniel Sturridge. In one week, out for three.

Talk about Man of Glass? He’s more the Man of Soft Absorbent Towelling.

Whenever I ask about his availability, it’s, “Sure. Always”.

   

Talking about Men of Glass, I then get texts from Steve Alcock and Choccie, offering their services.

The timing was good. Perhaps if I could get a half out of each of them….

  

Then, miraculously, Matty Williams texts his availability.

Campo: “No, no Matty, you have to play Away for the 2s, they are desperate for a prop and Hamling can’t lick his own balls”.

Matty: “No chance Campo. I can only play at Home”.

Campo: “But that only applies when the 2s are at Home!”.

Matty: “It’s Home or nothing. And it’s not a bad thing if you’re that flexible”.

So now we have 2 props.

  

* sHamling had been adding to the Wailing Wall fortifications this week, thinking he had to play in the front row.

  

  

The Engine Room

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Did I mention the good news about having 2 props?

Well, it wasn’t really a blessing, against a heavy Waterloo pack in the slippery conditions.

Sefton were constantly being driven back in the scrums, but Captain Campo stubbornly refused to plea for uncontested scrums.

Did he think the mud was sliding more towards the Clubhouse so Sefton would be ok in the second half?

Sadly, the mud didn’t change at half time, and Sefton seemed content to continue their lordosis behavior to accommodate the rampant Waterloo forwards.

  

Sefton’s not-so-cunning plan to continue with contested scrums was countered well with their decision not to contest the Waterloo lineouts.

Waterloo were pretty well drilled, and had easily won their own ball, so we thought, “let them have it”.

I’m not sure what the next part of our plan was, but it didn’t matter as Waterloo promptly went on and throw every one of their line outs not straight.

Unfortunately, that only meant a scrum to Sefton, which we eventually went uncontested.

  

Gotta hand it to Homie Matty and new boy Owen who propped today. Lesser men would have crumbled (much earlier).

Not the best start for Owen, who was obsessed with not dirtying his pristine white socks, but I feel he will fit in well, probably when there is no mud or dirt around.

Next week I will lend him my spare Sefton socks (if he’s prepared to wash them).

  

  

Charity Case

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Towards the end of the game, once the game had been decided, Sefton took pity on the aging Waterloo flanker, and let him score a try.

Dominic clearly hadn’t experienced anything like this before, and it’s pretty obvious he’s not going to have much chance again, in his twilight.

 

   

Kicking - General

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A kick, as some of us know, is only as good as it’s chasers.

The 3s never have chasers, so the kick is generally discouraged.

Today, Liam and Alcock put their heads together and decided that 1 could kick, and 1 could chase.

In the second half, Sefton are in Waterloo territory, you could throw a blanket over most of us (it was cold!), on the left hand touchline.

Alcock is hiding on the right hand touchline (ok, ‘hiding’ is stretching it with Alcock. ‘JackBeckwith-ing’ may be more realistic).

Liam, at 10, takes the ball and kicks it into the right hand corner post, Alcock flies through (again, ‘flies’ is probably wrong), and dives on the ball to score!

The other Sefton 3s players are astounded and perplexed.

This doesn’t happen at this level. And certainly has never happened for the Sefton 3s.

  

  

It’s a Miracle

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The astoundedness and perplexicity did not stop there.

From the resultant kick off, James ‘Catchy’ Goulding caught the ball.

I shit you not – Goulding actually caught a ball. Without dropping it.

Even he didn’t know what to do. He was expecting a scrum, but soon went about his circular, veering run to the sideline.

We attributed this rare phenomenon to the hangover. Its probably gunna happen as often as Goulding gets a invitation to a party really.

  

 

Hard Work

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The ladies at the ‘Krisp and Kleen’ will have have it tough on Monday morning.

Conditions were so heavy there was a consideration for those that couldn’t swim.

Certainly there was a lot of mud. Each scrum was moved about 5 metres to find a hint of grass to get some footing.

Towards the end of the game, you couldn’t really work out which team the players were on!

 

Except for Sefton’s Sean Muirhead of course.

The boy is always immaculate.

How does he do it, we wonder?

Play rugby in a mud bath for 80 minutes and not need a shower?

“He must be a King…”.

 

Waterloo also had a squeaky clean player. Their six strand ponytail, stockinged 10.

We’ve always known 10s don’t get dirty, but this guy showed impressive action avoidance.

Mind you, he converted most of the Waterloo tries pretty well, unlike our 10.

  

  

Injuries

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Not too sure whats happening to Phil Ingham, he seems to just want to wander off the pitch for a while, and then wander back on.

Luckily, theres no difference or effect on the match, and I think his dad is just happy that Phil is ‘integrating’.

As for Steve Teale, it looks like he suffered a bit of memory loss (we can’t say head injury or concussion anymore, the RFU won’t let the player play for ages).

No doubt the rest of the team wish Steve well, and are looking forward to celebrating Steve’s hattrick of tries that he’d scored before he went off.

Coupled with the ugly head cut he got at Birkenhead Park, we can only hope that he doesn’t turn into the next Steve Downing.

 

   

It’s only a game…

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Poor old Darrell. He takes it all too seriously.

Ok, so we conceded 50 points today, but it sure beats shopping with the missus!

We found Darrell long after the game, in the darkness of the changing rooms, holding his head, contemplating the miseries of the universe.

Clearly today, for him, there was no alignment of the planets.

“Uranus”, he cries, “I’m sure we’re meant to only have one of them”.

  

 

Prognosis

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I’ve often wondered just what Abba were thinking when they played Waterloo, how it can feel like a win, when they lose.

Maybe there is a perceived benefit, in having a new orifice forced upon one’s self? 

 

We should have recovered (both mentally and physically) for next week, where we need to show the same commitment, to put out a good side against the Gentlemen of Moore.

One wouldn’t necessarily say that commitment is Blandie’s middle name, but you’d expect him to be available for a Home game against fellow strugglers?

And surely we can rely on Liam Brown to return, after getting the 3s lipstick “Man of the Match” today.

 

Yours,

Campo

PS. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong about big Joe.

Perhaps it’s the spelling.

Jo is a girl’s name isn’t it?