Sefton RUFC

* Please note that the Match Report has been written by James Hamling, and translated / edited by Campo)

 

Hamling’s Prompt

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Campo, Blandie, Jamie Luck and Lanky are skiing (they haven’t mentioned it though, nor will I…._)

 

You know what its like waking up on Sunday morning after a hard days rugby.

Hungover, with things aching you don’t remember injuring.

Well that was me today. Then my phone starts buzzing. It’s Campo.

 

Campo: SHaaaamling what the hell are you playing at I give you my team for one week and you do that youre not supposed to win in a convincing fashion while playing a great brand of rugby thats disrespectful to the opposition did you at least give them your best player to dominate against you a jp ellis or alex evans?

[Editors * Note]: Campo doesn’t really talk like this. He uses full stops, capital letters, commas, polished articulation, proper grammer and correct punctuation.

 

Hamling: erm no I just gave them our subs.

 

Campo: I trusted you I loved you You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them. You were to bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness.

Phone hangs up.

 

All this was very suprising as I just assumed campo hated me and that the captaincy was just because he couldn’t risk giving it to Goulding, sefton winning and never hearing the end of it.

 

 

Pre-Match

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If you thought Christian Caine forgetting to pick Kyle Noon all season, or Matty Cunningham forgetting  to bring a ball, or the warm up backs move being done via imagination, Campo gamzumped them all and forgot the kit.

[Editors * Note]: How can Campo forget the kit, when he is skiing in Italy?

  

Fortunately, we had Chris McCleary, who realised at quarter to 1, and set off, for Campo’s car boot, returning a whole hour later.

All the running about must have been torture, because he return with a pulled groin, and the stress of it all caused him to be smoking a cigarette.

He seemed in a good mood though, randomly high fiving people.

 

Sefton got changed.

Game on.

 

 

The Opposition

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Oldershaw spoke before the game about having their team decimated by the 1s (been there) and instead managed to bring 13 very ‘experienced’ players.

This was compounded by them mostly turning up 20 minutes before the game (I assume to take full advantage of their free bus passes).

I did, however, catch their youngest player, the spritely winger, talking to Roy Webster about how he used to play rugby with Roy’s dad!

Whats worse, was the winger’s uncle is playing second row!!

However, they played very well, with the scoreline not reflecting the rugby they played, with good offloading and forward play, getting deep into Sefton’s 22 on numerous occasions.

 

They formulated a brilliant gameplan: Run everything at Goulding.

Even when Goulding switched sides, run at Goulding.

At half time, in the tunnel, in the showers, run at Goulding.

Makes you wonder why every team doesn’t do this.

To Goulding’s credit, he didn’t miss a tackle and got them down eventually, like deflating a bouncy castle.

[Editors * Note]: Praise for Goulding?? Now you know this is not Campo.

 

The game was played in good spirits. The retiring outside centre told me, it’s the most he’s looked forward to playing, since sport was banned. I said, “oh you mean covid?”. He said. “No, Oliver Cromwell banned sport when he was a teenager.”.

 

 

Sefton 3s

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So many great performances, apologies to those I miss out.

We had to get the ball out wide, but we had to earn it.

Lots of great runs from Tom Rainey, running excellent lines from 8. He kept shouting “ice”, but it didn’t look like anyone knew what he was talking about.

Faulkner, matty Williams, joe Clarke and Dobie pounding it up, then brendo getting the ball quickly out like that Amazon Prime delivery (I’m used to Blandie’s “Postman Pat” service.

 

The lowlight was the opppositon kick offs, which were not once, in ten attempts, claimed without bouncing, and will need to be worked on.

However jp mcdonald getting the ball and turning into jp ellis shimmying and shaking was a treat for all to see, and louis campbell had his best performance to date, really exciting to see.

[Editors * Note]: I’ve given up on the punctuation correction, sorry.

 

Of course wayne and ste kidd will get all the credit for their jug getting performances, but with my assists it was practically a gimme, all they had to do was beat 4 players and score.

 

 

Kicking - Conversions

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Ste kidd went 7 from 8 from the kicking tee, proving I should of kicked.

 

 

Sefton’s Man of the Match

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Man of the match went to Tom Rainey, for his monstrous, tireless work all over the pitch, but could of also gone to joe Clarke whose powerhouse tackles and nonestop line breaking carries getting sefton backs good ball. Obviously, he has gained confidence playing with me, instead of getting flatened by me.

 

 

The Taxman

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We’ve finally found a use for Brian Gardner.

It’s taken 30 years at the club, but for the first time in forever, everyone paid their match fees at his oversight.

I saw a tear in the corner of chris mclearys eye.

 

Yours,

Princess

 

 

Seftons Mystery Reporter

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It has been a long while, but I found an anonymous, unsigned, envelope under my door this week.

It appears to be from Sefton's Mystery Reporter!

Note: Sefton's Mystery Reporter does confidential interviews revealing serious stuff, without mentioning the Reporter’s name.

It's like exclusive, but reportedly unconfirmed.

Opening the anonymous, unsigned, envelope, I received the following interviews from both the “Head of OFSTED for Merseyside”, Mr John Ofsted, and one of the school boys from the Italian Ski Trip.

 

SMR: how is the year going?

 

John Ofsted: great, theres been a general raise in productivity, test results and just in the last week there has been a 120% per cent decrease in child health and safety claims

 

SMR: oh interesting is there by any chance a spike in any other parts of the world, sayyyyyy…. the Italian alps?

 

John Ofsted: oh god has cockney Jamie and campo gone on the skiing trip again

 

SMR: yes and they took blandie and lanky

 

John Ofsted: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

(The lad from the Italian ski trip is to be known as “Boy P”).

 

SMR: hello little boy, I just need to ask you one question about each of the four sefton instructors

 

Boy P: is everyone at sefton like them?

 

SMR: no they are the worst. Okay, first campo, how was he?

 

Boy P: Oh he is a sick c@*t, he taught me so fu**ing much

 

SMR: I can see that. Okay what about Blandie, what did he teach you?

 

Boy P: well, before we went downhill he made us ski five yards sideways first, don’t know why

 

SMR: it is a mystery, okay Lanky?

 

Boy P: well he spent a lot of time horizontal, on the ground

 

SMR: oh he fell over a lot?

 

Boy P: no

 

SMR: Okay and finally cockney Jamie, what about him?

 

Boy P: well he was always telling me to eat fruit, even at night telling me to go up the apple and pears

And one thing I never understood is he kept going on about how proud he was to be welsh and talking about barry john and Gareth Edwards, but when I was alone with him, he whispered forever blowing bubbles and how his beloved hammers won us the cup in 66

 

SMR: yes, we are still trying to figure that one out as well, ohh no here the four of them come, run now, go!!!

 

Boy escapes.

 

Report over.

 

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Match Report Prognosis

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[Editors * Notes]: I have spent many hours trying to make this match report readable, with my keyboard full stop, shift and comma buttons nearly worn out now.

It has been a slightly more unpleasant method of proving that you can’t polish a turd.

Please let me apologise for Hamling’s input this week, in team preparation, on field behaviour and Match Reporting.

He has a lot to learn.

 

Editor’s Note

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Yes, I was off skiing in Italy during the match.

I managed to work on my fitness and my Italian.

I was thinking of how fast Wayne Bimford is, and found out that the Italian for “very fast”, is “rapido” (pronounced, “ra-paedo”).

 

* Please note that the Match Report has been written by James Hamling, and translated / edited by Campo)