Sefton RUFC

Please note that the Sefton 3s game against Wallasey did NOT take place today. Their pitch was under water.

Sefton 2s opposition, Hoylake 2s, did not materialise.

So it was decided to have an inter Club Match, Sefton Probables vs Sefton Possibles.

Like all Friendlies, the game ended in a draw. Honours were shared.

 

   

I often get criticised for omitting individuals from my Match Reports (although never by Goulding, strangely).

Today, there wasn’t much rugby played, it was mainly a scrumfest.

I thought I’d share my honest views on all the players instead.

  

  

Almond, Dave: His talent never seems to amaze.
With a gale force howling wind directly behind him, he manages a restart that doesn’t make 10 metres.
How is that possible?
(Hamling idolises Gorgeous even more. He pledges to add a wind tunnel to his David Almond shrine at home. He is also slowly making an Almond wig, pilfering from the hairbrush in Dave’s Dressing Room).

   

Arnold, Paddy: Good to see Paddy back on the pitch today. His pitch mark was wearing thin (some grass had started to grow on the 10 metre line, on the right touchline). I think the lads take a bit from seeing you standing there solidly all game. Something about resistance and strength.
(sorry for tackling you today Paddy, but, tbh, it was a bit Dobie-like).

     

Bingetrollop, Wayne: The usual fare from Wane again. Maybe a try or 2.
Its clearly getting boring for him now. A bit disrespectful though, to the 5 generations of Bangthrop girls that had come along to support him.
With his perfectly groomed hair, he is the “Larry” in the Council trio.

     

Campbell, Louis: For someone who doesn’t want any conflict or get dirty, he does a pretty bad job of looking after himself. 
One rather tidy tackle on the Cornish lad springs to mind, and there was a number of occasions that Chris was caught with the ball!

   

Clarke, Joe: Relishing in the slow, tight conditions today. Teamed up with Mikey Dempsey to bully Jay Dempsey all game. That kinda partnership could be hugely significant in Sefton’s future. A real brains trust.
Had his usual “Try” scare, late in the second half, diving over the line with the ball, and thinking that the “crossing” penalty whistle was the awarding of the Try. A long way to go for this eager beginner.
Took a unhealthy interest in the Bamford senior generation after the game too, while trying to explain the inverse proportionality, in the amount of work he does, to the amount of overtime he claims.
They call him ‘Curley’ at the Council.

   

Dempsey, Jay: Somewhere, out there, there are 2 very relieved parents.
Through no fault of their own, they brought 2 sons into this world, called Jay and Mikey.
After 30 years of suffering, it looks like they’ve finally got them both off their hands.
Today, while both sons were mindlessly smashing into each other on the rugby pitch, Mr and Mrs Dempsey moved house, and didn’t tell their sons where they’ve moved to.
They also changed the locks.
Today we saw what those poor people have had to put up with for so long.
Sibling rivalry in the extreme.
I shall let Lanky take you though it…..
“Battle of the Inbreeds.
The two Dempsey brothers where rightly separated, and placed in opposite teams, which created a game within a game. Both challenging each other at every opportunity for the Alpha Dempsey privilege.
Who won, it is undecided, however the sight of Jay Dempsey rolling into a ball as he pre-empts contact from Mike was shameful. Jay however, redeems himself later on, with a spectacular pirouette, that bamboozled Mike, leaving him totally disorientated as to where his brother had gone. Who would have thought you could mix grace, with brawn.”

  

Dempsey, Mikey: Talk about the cat that got the cream today! (Or even Bilo getting Natalya).
Mikey’s prayers had finally been answered. The chance to get even after all those years as the runt of the litter.
The two Dempsey bothers had to be split into separate teams, once it was announced it was Sefton vs Sefton.
And from there, they were inseparable.
No one else was allowed to tackle either of them, we weren’t even allowed to talk to them.
They only had eyes for each other. And shoulders and forearms.
It was fun to watch. A nice break from the 2 boys belting it out in their mother’s (old) back yard.
I asked Mikey after the game, whether the rules of rugby hindered him at all, in his assault on his brother. He responded, “There’s Rules?”.

  

Dobie, ??: Got found out today. Found out by an opposition who actually looks for a big bugger to run into.
Yes, Joe is new to the game. He has taken to playing the game really personally, picking out big lads in an effort to prove how big and powerful he is.
So Joe actually finds the hiding Dobie. Seeks him out and runs at him with the ball.
Dobie is at a loss. Opposition attackers usually go for the smaller players, like Lanky and Campo.
Joe is a bit like a tanker.
In that he needs a lot of time and space to alter his path.
Dobie isn’t known for his fast reactions either. He slowly realises that there will be a collision.
He has been waiting for this really, it happens about once a year.
He has time to crouch down and turn slightly, ready to leap away, but Joe runs into his shoulder, and they both collapse.
To an innocent bystander, it actually could have looked like a copybook rugby tackle.
But we all know better, don’t we Dobie?

   

Donnelly, Tom: Wow, where did Tom come from? He’s been away for like a year, and comes back to his Royal Mail job and boy, did he deliver today!
Catching, running, tackling. It’s like he’s been on some Argentinian Base Rugby Training Course!?

   

Downing, Steve: Poor Steve. Another head case confined to the “Cap of Extremely Contaminated Diseases” (this meant that we couldn’t even go near him on the pitch – we had to let him go where he wants, unhindered).
With his special rights, you’d’ve thought Stevie would have scored many tries today, but the fine art of catching, has not been mastered.
Lanky tells it pretty well:
“It’s harder not to score - Part. 1
The art of NOT scoring was on full show today, with Steve Downing’s floundering display on how not to catch a ball.
He demonstrated this skill five metres from the empty try line, slowly juggling and fumbling, and eventually dropping the ball with exceptional dynamic effect.”

  

Faulkner, Matty: Such a calm, quiet, sensible head on this boy’s shoulders.
Deep in the throbbing, grunting, dirty engine room of the closely contested scrums, he is heard to muse, “I wonder what fabric conditioner they use on our rugby shirts?”.
Is he a vicar or a therapissed, or someone who helps rape victims?

  

Goulding, ??: As the game was essentially a continuing scrum, Goulding didn’t get much chance to leave his mark on this match.
He did show an honourable effort in backing up Gorgeous in one of his runaway tries, all the way to the posts.
And Gorgeous thoughtfully didn’t pass it to Goulding for a complimentary try (we would NOT have heard the end of that).
Goulding did look suspiciously shifty after the game though, walking out from behind the storage containers with Lanky, carrying a brown paper bag…..

  

Griffiths, Luke: Here’s another needy one. Its coming to the end of the season. The end of another barren season for Luke.
There’ll be no “Player of the Season” trophy, and he’s too long in the tooth now for the “Young Player of the Year” award.
Yet again. (Bringing a cute puppy won’t get you anywhere either Luke).
Canny Luke though, he’s got the 2s “Man of Glass” in his sights.
From the kickoff, he’s laid on the grass, rolling around, clutching a disturbing amount of body parts.
(He must watch the Premier League this guy!).
We are considering the Air Accident Helicopters…
But no, up jumps Luke and slowly jogs over to a waiting scrum, ready to show how injured you can get in the second row.
Today is not his day though, with the ban on all kicking, there are no lineouts, where he can fly like a fairy, and his lifters can lose their thumbs.

   

sHame-ling, ??: For reasons unbeknownst to the rest of us, Hamling decides to play in a rather gaily decorated Hawaiian shirt.
He does his best throughout the game perfecting his Action Avoidance technique, expect for one time, when Wayne got a hold of him.
Arousingly, it was a bit like when Borat’s demented brother, Bilo, manages to ‘get’ his sister, Natalya.

  

Harrington, Dan: A few gazelle like runs from the ex-McDonalds worker today. Runs a lot better with a strong wind behind him.
The jury is still out on the “Ensure You Bring Someone Who is Better Than You” verdict.

  

Harrington?, Euan: Came up for his once a season game. I couldn’t see much to write about this guy, but I think there’s a touch of Goulding about him.
He came up to me after the game and tried to tell me all the outstanding things he did on the pitch. I started glazing over, sorry.

  

Ingham, Phil: A day for the rugby purists. The scrumfest was a great opportunity for Phil today, to showcase his secondrow skills and strengths.

  

James, J: Starting to take the piss now on his old body. You gotta understand that its trying to tell you something, when you pull a hamstring taking a restart.

  

Kidd, Steve Not a great day for the outside backs today, with 90% of passes resulting in a scrum.
Steve is probably the “Moe”, in the Council’s 3 Stooges Department. I think he’s like the boss.

   

Lanky, Snr: Dragged outa retirement for today’s game, relished in the Captaincy against his nemesis Campo.
The battle of the hooking was fiercely contested, with honours even at the end of the game.
Managed his once-every-5-year try as well. Although, could you really claim it? In the last minute of a friendly where a draw has formally been agreed? And can you really take any pleasure out of stringing Goulding along? Letting him get close to you, then speeding up. Its like, candy from a baby really. A bit like Borat’s sister, Natalya, taunting her demented brother, Bilo, showing her vazhïn and saying, "You will never get this. You will never get it. La la la la la la."
Lanky himself, in true Goulding like modesty, has vividly painted the picture for us, in first and third person:
“Try of the match.
With great tries, comes humiliating defensive displays.
Firstly, sHambling’s three re-starts were decidedly predictable.
After kicking the ball in the same place twice in a row, resulting in two immediate tries, you would think he would try something different.
Stubbornly, he persists, this time the ball is caught by someone, who off loads to me (Lanky).
The 54 year old then side steps a bumbling Mark Dobie, who is indecisive as to whether to jump left or right to avoid contact.
I (Lanky still) gallop away, with Jay Goulding in pursuit.
Despite the hindrance of his walking frame, I (Lanky) out sprints the much younger winger over the 50 metres to the try line.
The only consolation for Goulding, is he managed to shepherd the ailing front row forward (me) into the corner, so I (he/him) would struggle with the conversion.”.
To be honest, this is pretty close to the truth actually (allowing for poetic licence on the use of ‘side step’, ‘gallop’ and ‘sprint’).

  

Lewis, Chris: Seems to be paying the price for being in such good shape nowadays, as people with the ball are looking to avoid him in attack.

  

Chris McCleary: Wet dream day for Chris. His whistle holds so much power.
For about an hour and a half, people have to listen to him, and do what he tells them to.
Its like the modern day conch – Chris is Lord of the Flies. The (temporary) respect he commands is astounding.
Chris says he dreams of the day he's allowed to take his whistle home to his wife and 4 daughters…..

   

McNeil, Salad: A very late starter. Insisted on coming straight on though, and hooking (besides his obvious potential to prop).
Perplexed Captains Lanky and Campo with his plea, “will I ever be normal again?”.

  

Murphy, Paul: In true 2nd Team style, Paul has bravely made himself available for the Home game today.
With no true outstanding skill or stature, poor Paul has the unfortunate distinction of not being able to be classified as a Forward or a Back, and even he must wonder, by now, why he is last picked from the Captain’s “Team Selection” Wall.
No one has ever figured out what goes on in his grey matter, but I reckon Paul spends a lot of time thinking about a monkey riding a unicycle. He once told me it is a miracle.
Again, Lanky felt compelled to comment, in true Hamlingesque single sentanceage:
“It’s harder not to score - Pt. 2
Not to be outdone, Paul Murphy’s display of complete incompetence was a masterclass, managing to catch the ball, (which for Paul is an achievement in itself), he ambles the ten metres to the try line, and just stops, at first we thought he was recreating his favourite film (Forrest Gump), standing there with a vacant look on his face, but the process of running, thinking and possibly breathing at the same time had possibly disorientated him, and he didn’t realise he was over the try line, but before his brain could reengage, the defence was on him, and disabled him like an upside down turtle, with the ball clutched to his chest, and unable to roll onto his front (the sight of him would have no doubt called upon the services of Greenpeace, who would have rushed out to spray water over him to keep him cool), but, in reality, his teammates just stared at him in disbelief.”

 

Osborne, Harry: The university dirty washing basket must’ve burst, so Harry graces our fields once again.
This guy clearly has some pace to burn, unlike his father. They say this stuff is in the jeans.
He’s disturbingly a lot like his uncle Phil really. Maybe Harry should go to a doctor and get the DNA check.
An honest doctor.

  

Osborne, Wayne: Very quiet today. It was not suited to his long, incisive passing. Managed the tackle of the day though.
It wasn’t really a tackle, more of a grabbing and ripping of the shirt, but it was effective! (suffice to say it was on Hamling’s Hawaiian shirt).

  

Rainey, Tom: Another quiet one from the Cornish patsie. It was like he couldn’t turn it on against his own players.
He took the ball up very gingerly, and tackled strawberryblondishly.

  

Roose, Louie: Another faultless performance from one of the 3s Most Improved players. Sadly, the 2s selection committee (sHambling) was in attendance, making notes.
Sure enough, while Hamling was in the showers, I went through his diary and saw Louie’s name written down (underneath a crossed out “Muirhead”).

  

Smith, Ben: Fantastic effort from young Ben today. To consume those excessive amounts of alcohol into the late hours of Saturday morning AND turn up for a 3pm kick off, is a miracle. Clearly he has NOT been to the Jonny Orr “School of Commitment”.
A lot of us also now have that ‘banked’ picture of Ben doubling Joe over and putting him on his arse. Quality.

  

Smith, Darrell: A clear front runner for Sefton’s “Ensure You Bring Someone Who is Better Than You” Award this season. As well, with his (temporary?) move into prop, he’s run away with the “Step Up and Take One for the Team” accolade.
It felt good hugging him in the front row today. Good, but not right.

  

Wilson, ??: Think we may have found the answer for this lost soul.
Touch rugby. There's no shame whatsoever in playing a non contact sport (as Brendo will proudly tell you).
Poor Wilson had been playing rugby wrong for too long (using his head), and had was forced to wear the “Cap of Great Resistance” today (it means you are delicate and cannot be tackled, and you can stop everyone with the touch of your finger).
Otherwise, if Wilson takes any more head knocks, he may end up like Downing (and NO one would want that).

   

Yours, etc
Campo
PS. Please shout up if I missed you – will add you in!