Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

-----------------

Once again, the music has stopped in the 2s Captaincy game of Musical Chairs.

Matty Cunningham is left standing in front of the loneliest chair in world rugby, and is left to organise the 2s today.

To be honest, ex-Captain sHamling has got a team together, basically just picking the 3s team, and adding the one or two 2s players that will play Away.

 

Matty Cunningham should be right we thought. He’s like a manager at B&M Home Bargains.

How little did we know, that Matty is only in charge of replenishing the Children’s Clothing aisles at the Anfield store (this will explain the constant photos of his frightful kids on Facebook all the time).

Turns out that Matty couldn’t even organise a Fruit Shoot at a childrens party.

He turns up at Widnes before the match, with only the kit and water bottles.

He has no balls.

One job, we think. That’s all he had to do.

Suffice to say, we started off on the wrong foot.

   

    

The Crying Wall

-----------------

Sefton had it pretty good this week, with the 3s making up most of the numbers in today’s 2s team.

(I hasten to mention that the 3s had to cry off their fixture against Southport today – we are struggling, but not crying).

 

Perhaps the real Crying Wall is at that sHamling family household, where Mr and Mrs Hamling will be clawing at the walls by now.

Their little James has been bedridden now for over a week, after his rhinoplasty.

Why he’s decided to address that protruding issue so early in life is beyond me – I can’t see him giving up telling lies for the rest of his life.

Anyway, we all know how needy he is when he’s well – you can just imagine what he’s like with a ‘Service Button’, unlimited tissues, and a bed pan * besides his bed.

 

* Strangely, although its just his nose that is recouperating, James is not leaving his bed, and insisting on daily chippy takeaway and first dibs on his mother’s home delivery of the Littlewoods Catalog.

    

   

The Warm Up

------------------

Due to Captain Cunning-less’s ineptitude, and Widnes’ overwhelming generousity, we only have 1 ball to warm up with.

This may well have been ok for Adolf Hilter, but, when you’ve got to split up into Forwards and Backs, there’s gunna be some unhappenis.

 

Obviously, the Forwards got to use the only ball, with Captain Cunning-shame being a hooker, so the Backs had to use their own devices.

Colin Pascoe reckons we can run through our moves with an imaginary ball.

Blandie is well up for this, it will allow him to throw a left handed pass without his 180 degree turn.

(it did look unnatural for him though, even without a ball).

Goulding was full of joy, he didn’t have to concentrate so much on catching the damn ball.

(and, to his credit, he did drop it only once)

 

Of course, all the moves (block, switch, dsp) did not even eventuate during the game. We could’ve just talked about stuff instead.

 

   

The Game Plan

------------------

We seemed pretty happy with our side, with an experienced pack and some nimble backs.

Captain Cunning-Ham announced that we shall take it to them in the forwards, then swing it out the backs.

I’m thinking he’s been following that astute master tactition, Steve Borthwick.

Maybe we could call him Captain I’ve-got-a-Cunning-plan ??

  

  

The Match

------------------

A game of 2 halves really, with Widnes getting a load of early tries, and Sefton grinding out a few late ones.

It would be cruel to say that Sefton’s standard of play, and kicking, improved somewhat with Colin Pascoe’s exit.

Dave Murphy slid into 10 and showed how to do it, getting the Sefton engine started and going forward.

  

Sefton’s tries came from solid graft. Good ol’ up your jumper stuff from the forwards.

I am not too sure who scored them. It doesn’t matter because it was a team effort.

I am starting to get Blandie and Goulding mixed up now though, as Blandie kept bleating on about his try (he’s not a forward is he?). Its like these guys don’t have families that will listen to them, and their delusional glory.

  

  

The Big Mistake

----------------------

We had the benefit of the young Smith boy turning up today, Darrell’s lad.

He’d been off to Bath university, seemingly to do weights and double in size.

Captain unCunningness had already thought up a plan that was as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning.

He would put young Ben on the bench.

Poor Ben sat there, getting cold for more than half the game, muttering away, until Captain Blackadder finally took Brendo off.

(I mean, what would that do to the young lad’s confidence? Having to sit on the bench while Brendo was playing!).

Anyway, the Captain’s plan worked, young Ben was devastatingly awesome, but only 50 minutes too late.

  

  

Kicking

-------------

I don’t often like to mention kicking during our match reports, preferring to relate the more positive instances, but today I shall make an exception.

Widnes did kick off, and after 2 minutes, Sefton had a restart.

Blandie is waddling back, with the ball, to the half way line, shouting, “Forwards left”.

I look around incredulously.

At Colin, who played 10 in his prime, in the 90s.

At Dave Murphy, who should be playing 10, and went to university to learn how to kick.

At Steve Kidd, who stays behind at training to practice his kicking, just like Jonny Wilkonson.

I implore Blandie, “Why?”. “At least tell us which side you are trying to kick to”.

Blandie stills me with his steely gaze and clips authoritaritively: “it will go left and it will go 10 metres”.

No doubt, you have already guessed, the immediate play after Blandie’s restart was a scrum to Widnes on the half way line.

  

In general play, Colin Pascoe clearly had forgot his last game here (the day of the “kick and ghost chase”).

Colin seems pretty happy to admit to his, “one good one, one bad one” attitude, and had stuck to his strategy that the game can’t be played without balls.

We were down 24 nil really early, and Colin must have been thinking of the pre-game warm up (with the lack of balls).

Sefton got a lot of penalties, and Colin started kicking for the trainline, not really for any distance.

In an obvious effort to lose all Widnes’ game balls, Colin gave no thought to making some yards with our penalty kicks, and on some occasions, deliberately kicked backwards.

Sadly, the trainline was too far away for Colin, and Sefton.

  

  

Tackling – the Difference

-------------

There is always a big difference in tackling styles at this fixture, with Sefton concentrating on keeping it below the waist, and Widnes setting their sights much higher.

Someone had gifted Sefton some First Aid kit for Christmas, and it included a neck brace.

The Board had decided that, under no circumstances, should we even consider using it, given our lack of qualifications.

But today, for some of the faster Sefton players, they really should have put the neck brace on BEFORE they decided to do any incisive running at the ruthless Widnes defence.

 

Campo also looks to be refining his (patented) Air Tackle technique as well.

Taking a leaf out of Lanky’s horizontal playing position, Campo introduced his new, “Lanky Laydown”.

This involved precise timing, as well as intricate knowledge of the Air Tackle.

Playing at fullback today, Campo was pretty busy with the rampagingness of the Widnes forwards.

On one occasion, one of the bruising Widnes forwards ran straight at Campo, who seemed to have prematurely timed his evasive effort, leaping to his side and laying flat on the ground.

The bruising Widnes forward was not deterred, and gaily leapt over the inert Campo, to the waiting tryline.

But the referee has blown his whistle! “Penalty”, he cries, “You cannot jump over a player”.

Amazing, we all thought, how did Campo know this?

More amazing, we all thought, is this something we all can do now, rather than having to tackle??

  

  

Injuries

------------------

Today it was the 2s day to set their watches on a 5 minute timer. Old man Smith had been invited along to make up the numbers. Darrell gets on for a little run in the second half, and, to the second, waddles off after his 5 minutes.

The way he walks, no one can work out which bit is the broken bit – but we’re pretty sure he’d qualify for a full body cast and lolly pops for all orifaces at Fazakerly Hospital.

Bruised ribs was the ultimate self diagnosis. Probably done during the uncomfortably long cuddle he had with his son.

  

And it was ground hog day again for the veteran Colin Pascoe.

Colin’s last game was here, 2 and a half years ago. Even back then we were telling him he should have been well retired.

That game, he cost us dearly, with his poor kicking and eventual carry off with a career ending hamstring.

But, he heeded the call for a 10 today, and bravely played about 20 minutes.

It’s these new rugby rules you see, that will kill off the off the old school players.

They are insisting on tackling round the legs nowadays, and poor Colin hasn’t ever done this.

Today, one of the bruising Widnes forwards ran straight at Colin, and Colin bent his back, hips and knees, and promptly head butted the Widnes guy in the knee.

Out for the count, just like his last game.

  

Of course you are all wondering how Real 2s Captain, Lanky is going.

(well, its mainly sHamling and non-Cunning-plan that are after a daily update).

Lanky, as you are aware, fell victim to a school boy error of not doing what he’s insisted upon for many years.

Basically, at Sefton, Lanky has one job. Before each game, he has to make sure everyone has done their finger and thumb stretches.

In his only game this season, Lanky gets a broken thumb.

To be honest though, we aren’t even sure if its was broken, just that he went to Fazakerly, and insisted on a lolly pop and a plaster. Such is his desperation to be rid of the 2s Captaincy.

Anyway, the cast has fallen off, and Lanky is threatening to come back to training. He’s been having some personalised specialist training from Birkenhead Andy.

We are all wondering if he can still throw a netball with a sore thumb…

 

Prognosis

------------------

A real reality check for the high flying 2s, after Lanky had orchestrated a drop in about 3 leagues in the off-season.

I can’t see new Captain Cunning-Plan lasting too long, with his strategies relying on Blackadder scripts and Baldrick logic.

He has instilled some semblance of credibility and Club commitment though, by not even considering to bring on Lewis Campbell today. Poor Lewis falling foul of the strict, “no train, no play” rule. It was only one cold and wet Thursday night, admittedly, but standards need to be kept, and Lewis was left on the sidelines all match.

Next week may be easier for the 2s, as they will be at Home, and the lipstick players will be keen for their fortnightly game.

 

 

Yours in rugby,

Campo (yet another one filling in for Lanky)

xx