Sefton RUFC

By Captain sHambling

Oh you thought I've brought 1’s think again, I have a different plan

 

The gameplan

 

I've been waiting all year to implement my masterstroke, my pièce de resistance. I was going to create the most beautiful rugby team imaginable. The thinking being while the opposition were standing round asking themselves challenging questions, facing life changing dilemmas, we would be running in the tries. And that is what I did, I got some cuteness (gorgeous, isaac, danny) some hunks (jp, founds, Norwood, luke) some bears (crone, sterry) some fine wines (mystery fly half, jj, lanky) some bad boys (wayne b, dobie) and some exotic strawberry blondes (rainey, murphy) and the classically handsome (liam). The rugby was as beautiful as the personall, their hearts were beating 100mph before the game even kicked off.

 

The game

 

Champagne rugby, please see the veo, we never got out of 4^th gear and didn’t need too, far too saucy.

 

The season 23/24 in review:

 

I would personally like to thank everyone who played for me this season, my first time as captain was filled with people not turning up, cancelling Saturday morning to go their dogs birthday party, it was atrocious. But this year has been sweet, I wanted to implement two things: get everyone to the club on time as it has been a major issue the last few years and get the twos being the place to be for serious but exciting rugby and we definitely achieved that, so thanks everyone.

 

I would like to give an individual thanks to everyone who played for me this season (two games or more) apologies if I missed anyone out

Front row

 

Jack Crone – player rating - 10

 The big man with hands so delicate he could give you a full body massage and you wouldn’t even know it, this is the modern prop. Got “injured” just before pre season very clever jack, you almost fooled me

 

Kev Manwaring – player rating - 10

 It’s weird I spend so much of my time day dreaming about Kev wrapping me up in his arm and bringing me to the ground with him because when he does it in a game its terrifying. The man lifts.. humans that are running at him.

 

Matty Faulkner – player rating - 10

When I see Matty break the line, bosh two players off, then offload which is a fairly regular occurrence, I say the same thing someone hen interviewed says when the nice kid at a US school snaps and goes on a rampage, “yknow, I really didn’t see that coming”

 

Matty Williams – player rating - 10

 The ability to play both prop and full back is like having shoes with a clock inbuilt, sure its cool but is it necessary. Hes threatening to lose weight this off season but we both know bacon is delicious. My new little bear

 

Matty Cunningham – player rating - 10

 Aka billy ballbag, I don’t want to say one moment of forgetfulness should tarnish the whole season.. but it has. All joking aside this FTW has been immense as always: the turnover king.

 

Sterry - player rating – 10

JJ has a friend??? So many questions firstly what, then when, then how, and most importantly who. Says hes not a prop, then why do I keep picking you there then?? Explain that. Telling someone you can prop when you don’t want to, is like telling someone you have a free holiday home or an attractive sister, you will never hear the end of it and rightly so.

 

Brian Gardener - player rating – 10

You know something you’ve never heard someone say: “Brian speak up, I couldn’t hear you then” unfortunately this sleepy hibernating bear got prodded and woke up a few times to come and prop and gave us some vital minutes.

 

Richard Bradley – player rating – n/a absent

 Ah the only one you will read apart from your own name, his ability to stand directly in front of the ten every time you wanted to go wide bordered on match fixing. I must have had a calming influence on the 80 minute man as he never started trouble when I was around other the time he tried to kill JP but loved an eye poke when he went abroad.

So long rich you will be missed. RIIIIICHIIIES BALLLL

 

 

Martin Lancaster - player rating – 10

The 2xvs engine room, not because of his still exceptional workrate, but because he has a massive car. Don’t know whether to give this season a thumbs up or thumbs down (too soon?)

 

Second row

 

Mark Dobie – player rating – 10

He looks like Bakkies Botha, that in itself is enough to play the most games for the two's. Originally brought in solely to be Richards chauffeur, and ended up rolling back the years and getting himself some silverware

 

Tom Rainey - player rating – 10

 Tom in the open field is a wonderful sight, it looks like a giraffe running through treacle, the perfect hybrid of sheer industry and grit and class, hes like a mix between simon shaw and Nathan sharpe.

 

Welsh Jacob - player rating – 10

The man just looks like a rugby player, put in a heroic performances every time he put the red and white on. Unfortunately never stayed for a pint after the game, ran straight off, said he had to go back to wales to do some sheep shearing, I think that’s what he said.

 

Phil Ingham - player rating – 10

Didn’t get as much game time as I'd of liked to give, but a truck whenever he touched the ball. Theres a bright future for the spritely youngster.

 

Luke Griffiths – player rating – 10

If you'd of said to me before the season, if you push your mum down a flight of stairs you can have luke for 10 plus 2s games, I'd of done it twice just to make sure. He passes now, living with a much better second row is clearly paying off.

 

Rob Norwood - – player rating – 10

 Classier than eating a pizza with a knife and fork, the workrate, the spin move, the lineout jumping, all ten out of ten. Unfortunately demoted to the ones #justiceforrob

 

Back row:

 

Jay Dempsey - player rating – 10

 Ohh look at me I have a baby and cant play as much, pathetic, the highlight of the season was piecing his brother up and regaining his place in the Dempsey chain of command

 

Mike Dempsey - player rating – 10

 The sticker goat, retired for two weeks, no one cared so he came back. Hes an absolute unit if we can wrap him in some cotton wool so he doesn’t get injured weve got a hall of famer on our hands.

 

Adam Hunter – player rating – 10

Who the heck travels in from Preston every Saturday. This guy does, The best thing to come from Sunderland since nNall Quinn. A try scoring phenom, he will be sorely missed

 

Liam Brown – player rating – 10

 Logic would say that seeing a former ones player of the season coming in the door would inspire confidence, Nope, you were stastically 135 per cent more likely to get fubarred when Liam played. He seemed to have a knack for turning up to these games, almost like it was a fetish… He was very much the human equivalent to putting a band aid on a shotgun wound, yes its helped but it felt a bit pointless in the grand scheme.

 

His hand off is still a work of art, I wonder how he practices it, maybe he goes the gym and just shoves people over

 

JP Ellis – player rating – 10

JP is a lot like Lucozade, hes a lot healthier now and its probably for the best but I sometimes miss when he was a sugary mess, what I wouldn’t give for an uneccessary midfield bomb to the opp full back to run back. However being the fittest player at sefton (in every sense) has its upside, he gallops over ever blade of grass, leading from the front.

 

A proper leader of men, his surprise introduction into the 2s for collegiate saw the pod system get properly going and took the 2s to another level, and hes an even better centre.

 

Kyle Noon – player rating – 12

 He's a beast, a bull in a china shop, an absolute wrecking ball, he started on a rampage but got even better, throughout the season he added freaky cardio from his 100 carries a game, a cheeky pass, leadership the whole shebang. He put at least 50 grown men on their backside like an upside down turtle.

When I grow up I want to play like Kyle.

 

I think ive fallen slightly in love with him, not only is he thicc like zoo glass, but he has more hair on his feet than I have on my head. Seeing him go off for surgery was like watching your kids go off to college, your happy for them but theres a tinge of sadness

 

A future ones player of the year, put money on it.

 

Scrum Halves

 

Dave Almond – player rating – 10

Is it my imagination or is Dave getting better and even more gorgeous. The beard is adding a whole new dimension. Kind of taking his brilliance for granted at this point, but he's enormously missed when not on the team sheet.

Blandie – player rating – 10

He's actually playing really well at the moment (but please don’t tell him)

Brendo - player rating – 10

Trying to turn around seftons rotten luck with aussies (Campo) bringing that aussie pizzazz to the scrum half position, next year could be a very exciting year

 

Fly Halves

Wayne Osbourne – player rating  - N/A

 

Unfortunately Wayne never played for us this year due to family commitments, which is a shame because hes an absolute magician

 

If only

 

Ali Mckie – player rating  - 10

The 2xvs are like the mistress he wants to leave his loveless marriage for, someone needs to andy dufrene him out the 1s so he can come and play some champagne rugby

 

Centres:

Paddy Mcleary - player rating –10

I've been told my whole life i'm special, by my parents, teachers, child psychologists and I proved it here, I took a phenomenal scrum half and said Hey he’s irish, brian o driscoll is also irish so therefore paddy should play outside centre. And it worked. The man has left us for Ireland, it has been speculated he has been spying on us for the IRU and after 5 years hes worked out we call moves and never actually do them. Noted

 

Jonathon James -  player rating –10

After missing large chunks of last season not getting surgery he was back with a bang, No longer a crash ball merchant he has decided hes a facilitator now, like a welsh dan biggar. He even got a vote for 2xvs player of the year, maybe a demotion to the ones is coming.

Dave Murphy - player rating –10

Cant believe hes abandoning us for Verona. He will be missed. The big man with soft hands all you need from your 12

 

Back 3

Isaac Lancaster - player rating –10

Sometimes I am lying there at 3am unable to sleep and I grab my phone and watch a certain video from December 2023 and remind myself, yep that did actually happen. Spent the summer working on his kicking and made big strides. Got demoted to the ones and gets to watch the centres crash in it

 

Danny Harrington - player rating –10

Remember that month when he scored about 7 times in 4 games, what a time to be alive. Won young player of the year then threw the trophy away and said I only want 2s player of the year, so I put him on time out

 

Wayne Banthorpe -- player rating –10

 Turned up at training before the season started and couldn’t catch a cold, now hes starting for the 1s. He's a physical specimen, just needs some more game time for all the pieces of the puzzle to connect then we will have a monster on our hands

 

Welsh Jack - player rating –10

The best moustache at the club, never got to play his proper position however flourished on the wing, showing some nasty footwork

Sean Muirhead - player rating –10 inches

I always forget how big it is till I see it again, wow. Scored a brace against collegiate

 

Farrice - player rating –10

 A brief pit stop in the 2s before moving on to the 1s, Jonah Lomu esque devesation with ball in hand.

 

James Goulding - player rating –10

Started a fight with a Samoan at Anselmians, said he would of won the fight.. he wouldn’t. Our resident maverick brings pure chaos

Will Mesham - player rating –10

The physics don’t add up, he ways about 8 stone theres a 16 stone guy running at him and he stopped him in his tracks every time, not even going low, it make no sense, won motm 2 out of 3 times proving he should of tried harder in his last game

Travis - player rating –10

Kendals finest, told us harrowing stories of the creepy rituals he had to do in his uni rugby team, Seemed very disappointed when I told him when don’t do any of that

James Wilson - player rating –MIA

Christian gave him to me about 9 times and took him back every time usually around friday. Im not sure if was some sort of in joke. Unfortunately due to his cranium first tackling he has had to retire