Sefton RUFC

The Tradition

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We gathered today for our traditional Christmas friendly against our good neighbours, to contest the “James Goulding (head on a) Plate” once again.

The Christmas fixture, although a friendly, has traditionally been used to determine who gets James Goulding’s “services” for the next year. Basically, the loser gets Goulding for the next year, and, athough he does commit to the playing numbers, you get the added bonus of the never ending “Goulding Self Appreciation” story.

It is 4 years since our last Christmas friendly, due to Covid and Campo’s can’tbearsedness, but somehow, the match got off the ground.

I say this, because the individuals involved wouldn’t normally inspire any sort of organisation.

In the Sefton corner, we had 2s Captain sHambling at the helm, tentively sniffing around for players, knowing full well that the 3s players would make up the ‘Sefton Select’ Team.

As for Mossley Hill, they seem to be rudderless, with the mute, non-playing Captain Andy running the show. Only trouble was, no one knew sign language! Pete Barnett was looking to help as well, and we all know what his eyesight is like.

I often look back on that 2019 Match report (won 30-27 by Mossley), and wonder about those 3 points (a penalty missed in front of goal by Jay Lord Evans). What a devasting miss for Sefton. (Can we claim some type of State Benefit?).

Anyway, with the introduction of the new RFU World Rule for any “Friendly” (Law 6,42c : All Rugby Friendlies are recorded as a Draw, there are no Losers), Sefton may have to find a permanent placee for the “James Goulding Plate”.

  

 

Welcoming Back Old Friends

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It was great to see some of the Mossley regulars, and the game was played in a fantastically friendly spirit. It was almost lipstick rugby: 25 minute halves, non contested scrums and an equal sharing of Goulding. Mossley scored all their points when Goulding played for Sefton, and then Sefton did the same when Goulding donned the Mossley shirt.

We were all pleasantly surprised to see an old Sefton friend in Danny Brew, who played for Sefton in the old days and was making a comeback now with Mossley Hill.

As well, ex-Sefton not so friendy player, Tom James, was now playing for Mossley Hill. He was the only one who didn't need a shower after the game.

   

  

The Goulding Ultimatum – The Match

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A chance to stop eating and drinking for a couple of hours came in the form of the annual Christmas friendly against Mossley Hill on Saturday, or as it is now called, ‘The Goulding Ultimatum’. Whoever loses has to take Jay Goulding for the next season.

With Mossley turning up a bit short, a number of players swopped sides to even the numbers up. However, giving them Campo seemed like a tactical move by Sefton.

It wasn’t a great day for rugby, and even worse for the crowd, as soon as the match started the rain came down. Mossley Hill started strong, keeping possession of the ball with a number of crash balls. This eventually led to the first try of the game, with Mossley going through the centres.

Finally in possession, Sefton started to make inroads towards the opposition’s line. A sweetly timed inside pass to sHambling allowed him to saunter through for a converted try.

Lineout’s were a lottery for both sides, and when Mossley lose their lineout on their twenty-two, Sefton swiftly move the ball across the pitch, Steve Kidd eventually scores in the corner.

It wasn’t a day for kicking, with the wind swirling around erratically, but that didn’t stop Sefton as they tried to get out of their twenty-two. The kick goes straight to their winger who attacks the corner, before passing inside to score.

This time Mossley Hill were put under pressure, and when trying to clear their lines, it only allowed Dan Harrington to run it back, stepping through the centres. Eventually brought down, the recycled ball came to Kyle Noon, who goes through under the posts for a try.

  

  

The Pig

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A famous Irish playwrite once warned about wrestling with a pig.

I am not entirely ‘Shaw’ that he had ever met our ginger Kev, much less played rugby with him, on a cold, dark, very wet and muddy pitch in the heart of Merseyside, but clearly the quote was about our resident se>< pest.

For days like today, my friends, are made for the likes of big Kev.

The temperature lent itself to multiple layers of fat.

The darkness welcomed the haunting, alabaster skin.

The horizontal rain almost made for slitty, shifty eyes.

The mud practically screamed for slow, snooker table legs.

Kev was positively wallowing in it.

Poor Danny Brew learnt a valuable life lesson: Do not run into big Kev when you’ve got the ball.

Fragile Campo found it’s never too late to learn to step out of the way when big Kev has the ball.

As for the scrummaging, one has never felt so helpless, as a hooker, with your arms tied behind your props, and big Kev on the loose.

Hooking for Mossley was probably not my wisest decision, with big Kev licking my headgear, and vigorously rubbing his unshaven face against my soft and cherubic virgin cheeks. Why, he’s probably still salivating while reading this report!

   

  

Goulding doesn’t disappoint, he delivers

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Let’s be honest, people were only there, standing in the rain to watch Goulding mess-up.

Every time he got near the ball, the crowd held their breath in anticipation.

Afterwards, he insists he did a lot of good things on the pitch, but we only have his word about it.

What everyone did see is a two man overlap, and Goulding dropping an easy catch. It was clearly the biggest cheer of the match, and he has obviously missed a trick there. He should hang his boots up now, Panto season is here, he would make a great villian.

   

  

Sibling Rivalry

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We had a guest appearance today, with Dan Harrington’s kid brother Euan visiting for Christmas, and keen to demonstrate who got the rugby talent in his family.

Euan has the same looks as Dan, but a different surname. It seems he was part of the more recent Out-Breeding Programme run by the local town council in the very small town of Rugby.

Euan’s interplay at half back with Jay Evan worked well, with the two of them combining to score the final try of the half. Euan attacked the staggered defence, before passing inside to Jay Evans, who then returning it to Euan, and he goes through under the posts.

  

 

Big Joe’s “Try-ing”

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Poor Joe, he is getting desperate now.

Someone needs to tell him that God loves a trier, not someone who scores tries.

(Surely that is obvious though, because Blandie scored a try the other week, and no one even likes him).

Anyway, it still hasn’t deterred Joe from making a big effort. (Is he a man of the cloth?).

Why, it was our only last game that Joe showed his detemination and commitment.

A game he didn’t play in, of course. He had knocked himself out on his kitchen floor!

It seems he’d been practising scoring a try, and the kitchen was probably not the best place for this.

We gotta get Dobie in a padded room to talk to Joe, about Second Row Expections.

How it is ok to dream about scoring, or even touching the ball. And to set him straight about Everton idols (they are only myths).

Today, fate dealt poor Joe a tragic pre-game blow because he sustained a hamstring injury while sprinting for the water bottles in the warm up (who knoew he could sprint?). Fortunately, there was one less jersey to clean.

  

 

Kicking - General

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Not Dan Harrington’s forte, as demonstrated when he tries to kick out of his twenty-two, if you could call it a kick.

His attempt goes up in the air, but only travels about five metres into the arms of the waiting opposition.

We suggest Dan keeps the ball in hand, it will double the distance. Better still, run to your brother and ask him to kick it for you.

   

  

More Match

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It was great to see Danny Brew back playing, even though it was for the opposition. His contest with Kev Mainwarring was epic, and could only be described as like two walruses challenging each other in a ‘I’m the biggest walrus’ competition. The sound of an immovable object hitting an unstoppable force was not pretty.

In the final quarter of the match the game ran away from Mossley, with the opposition picking up a few injuries. A grubber kick through by Jay Evans allowed Euan to collect and go over for a second try.

A final try comes from Jay Evans, who picks up from the back of a ruck, and dances his way through the defence to score under the posts.

   

 

SEFTON NON RUGBY NEWS

 

The Ring of Incredible Tightness – Version 1.

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We all know of Brendo’s tricks at the bar, how he can manage to drink all night without ever having to actually spend money.

Brendo told me that he wears a “Magic Ring of Incredible Tightness”, which stops you from using your wallet.

Anyway, it was all about Brendo saving up to put a deposit on a house.

And now, he has made an offer on a house, and his deposit has been accepted!

I guess, in effect, we are all part owners in the new house, seeing that we have essentially funded him, and hopefully now Brendo can take his magic ring off.

 

 

The Ring of Incredible Tightness – Version 2.

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We wish sHameling all the very best, with his upcoming Rhinoplasty procedure – although we all know what he’s really going in for – after the number of new ones he’s been ripped over the years.

Hamling did say he won’t be allowed to sit down for a week and could well end up being Kev’s favorite ‘Shower Twister’ partner.

 

  

Little Lanky’s Very Small Part in the Christmas Festivities

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After the Sefton Christmas drinks recently, where much shame was brought upon the House of Lancaster, I strongly recommend you all delete the tree-mendous video and stark images of young Isaac from your phones.

When the police find that kind of nonce-sense on your phone, they don’t mind dishing out some ‘injuries sustained in the apprehension’. It is not pleasant.

To clarify what most of us were wondering though, Isaac has stated that he wants to be indentifed as a male (he / him), or, more specifically, a developing boy.

  

 

Regards, Campo (and Lanky, with the boring bits)