Sefton RUFC

The Crying Wall

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What a morning!!

This has gotta be worse than Black Tuesday in ‘29.

Not just a Crash, but a total plane load of snakes nose dived into a runaway train wreck, next to a cemetery!

Happily started the day with 22 keen lads, all gaily looking forward to a friendly with Moore 2s, who were only bringing 6 lads.

Not sure if Julian Assange was involved but somehow word got out that the Moore 1s oppo had cried off, and now we had some serious opposition.

I’m not usually one to mention names but the following lads were all deemed to be incestuously close to their siblings, and are very sick indeed:

Owen Williams, Dan Tung, JP MacD, Jon Keen, Ollie Martin, Louie Roose, Callum Cresswell, new Jamie and Theo.

(Oh yeah, I didn’t need to mention big Jo do I?).

10 in the space of 2 hours!!

That’s is up there with Welsh rugby team, with the call for availability against France.

So how does the Sefton 3s cope with such crippling resource losses??

Fortitude and Resilience, my friends.

Fortitude and Resilience, and the 2s substitutes on the nearby back left pitch at Sefton.

Camptain Canpo waddled across to the 2s bench and did some cherry picking.

  

  

The Numbers

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Did I mention we were struggling?

It was only the late arrival of 2 old and crumbling stalwarts, Jack Beckwith * and Tansie **, plus the odd 2s sub *** that allowed us to have 15 men.

Well, 14 men, and the very late running James “it is better to be talked about than not talked about” Goulding. Just who does he think he is?

We are stretched though, with the tentative Louis on one wing, a fullback not known for his catching at fullback (Goulding), and the long retired Chris McCleary **** on the other wing.

* 2s Captain sHameling had kindly ‘gifted’ us Jack Beckwith. A lot of us may recall ‘Leftie’, from the old Liverpool St Helens 3s, who was missing a bit of his lower left arm, but boy, you knew when he hit you, or ran the ball up! Well, Jack Beckwith is a bit similar, in that he hasn’t full use of his left arm (think he overslept on it, playing some bizarre game on his own). Amazingly, with only one arm, Jack can still manage to pull on a Sefton shirt and lurk on the side of the pitch, keeping our wingers company.

** I was very concerned with letting Tansie play today, recalling the last time he played, ironically, at Moore about 15 years ago, when he stormed off the pitch (rather than punching out Ian Ross). Fortunately there will be no storming today. Rossie is not here and I doubt if the unfit Tansie could raise more than a puff of wind.

*** It goes unsaid that Jay Evans is odd. He was allowed to play with the 3s today, on the condition that he never fired a blind side pass on the Golf Course side of the pitch. We’d already banned kicking to that side.

**** Chris only wanted to play today, because he’d set up the Video Camera to broadcast the 3s game. It wasn’t even his birthday and he wasn’t even drunk yet.

 

TF Darrell has brought his fit young lad, Georgio, along. This kinda behaviour is 3s Man of the Match material.

I wish everyone else could bring someone who’s better than them.

 

  

The Game Plan

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“Do not let them know of Goulding’s catching ability at 15”.

  

  

The Match

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The sides, and the game was almost perfectly equal.

Except for Goulding.

  

 

The Big Mistake

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BM1. Playing Goulding.

BM2. Playing Goulding at fullback.

  

  

The TV Cameras

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Its amazing the power of the camera.

It changes everyone, people want to look good in front of a camera *.

Tansie and Jack Beckwith turned up.

Wayne Bongford came really early and spent hours in the dressing room. The rest of us use the changing rooms.

McCleary decided to play (you’ll note he played left wing in the first half, and right wing in the second….).

Today, on camera, for the first time, we saw things that have never happened before.

Twice. Yes twice, we saw Louis on the wing make try saving tackles.

Tackles that seriously threatened to dirty his immaculate personal Sefton shirt. The shirt that is going through the whole season without being washed (like Campo’s kit). That’s called commitment folks. Stop that try and to hell with the washing.

Then we had McCleary on the other wing. This is the guy that has the world record for jumping sideways in the face of attacking adversity.

Not only did he get in on the try savingness, but he actually took 2 of the Moorovians out of play whilst doing so.

Chris must surely be learning from all his marshalling work in the car park.

* Sorry, not everyone. Goulding doesn’t.

  

  

Kicking - General

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With Jay Lord Evo (2s sub) in the team, you can guarantee that the kicking will be good. There is a reason Jay doesn’t normally play or the 3s.

The Moore 2s 10 was also clearly not suited to this league, and so, the game depended on the guile and astuteness of the opposing fly halves.

Something I’ve constantly preached, is that a kick is only as good as it’s chasers.

As well, a kick is also only as good as the opposition fullback catching it.

And here-in lay the stark difference between the 2 sides today.

Moore had this brilliant kid at 15. Caught everything, tackled everyone, and ran like a whippet.

Sefton had James Goulding. And it’s definitely not JPR Goulding.

  

  

I was wondering why the little rugby ball kept on getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit me.

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Watching Goulding under a high ball makes one feel uncomfortable.

Words like floundering and drowning spring to mind.

Does Goulding see himself as Edward Scissorhands, an air traffic controller or having a small part in Hitchc0ck’s, “The Birds”?

Today, the Moore 10 sensed it very early in the game.

Sefton’s weakness. The questionable link in our seemingly strong chain.

And he was relentless, bullying at its best.

Each Moore kick would bring something more to their party: 50 easy metres, a Moore scrum, or even a couple of beautifully gift wrapped tries.

I guess the only thing we really learnt today was of Goulding’s thick skinnedness.

In a game that you’d want to race off home, unshowered, he comes strutting into the bar, beaming, endlessly extolling about his ‘try’ and his one catch. We didn’t have the heart to tell him that the game had been videoed. (although I took it upon myself to inform his wife and children).

They say there’s no such thing as bad children, only bad parents.

But sorry, I ain’t taking no responsibility as Captain on this one!

  

  

Kicking - Conversions

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What really is worth mentioning, is Brendo’s conversion attempt from in front, when the game was in the balance….

Our North Eastern import, Adam Hunter (from Preston), had just taken a fine pass from the penetrating Rob Norwood (2s sub), and comfortably scored under the posts.

The scores, at this point, are equal, at 17 apiece.

JayLord had been doing all the kicking up till now, admirably.

But up steps Brendo. He who shall not be denied *.

Snatching the ball from the amiable ** Jay, Brendo nonchalantly waves away the proffered kicking tee.

He nonchalantly takes a few steps back, then nonchalantly drop kicks the ball at right angles to the goal posts.

(Did I mention the kick was from in front??).

The rest of us wonder what the opposite of “nonchalantly” is. Is it “Goulding”?

* Was he thinking of having a crack at Tvvatof the Match? Was he thinking Goulding is stealing his slimelight?

** Amiable until things started to not go his way, and we had to yell ‘Fore!’ for some of his blind side passes.

  

  

The Ref

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There were a number of very dubious decisions during the game, with a result-changing James Goulding no-try, an opposition offside for a floundering Goulding catch at fullback and an inexplicable forward pass by Goulding when there was no one near him (“their fullback called for it, sir!!”).

It matters not, that the referee, who bears a striking resemblance to ex-Sefton prop, Richard, is Moore born and bred.

Any referee would have taken an instant dislike to the backchatting, moaning, constantly offside Goulding.

No one in their right mind would’ve called favourably in Sefton’s favour.

Talk about teams playing better with 14 men!

We were fortunate that Moore had their own Goulding, with the mulleted Mikey at 8 keeping thing even.

 

   

Tvvat of the Match

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If you’ve not yet worked it out, you’re probably called Goulding.

  

  

Man of the Match

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The Man of the Match was a no brainer. Decided before the game. It wasn’t Goulding.

As the impressive Georgio Smith said after the game, “My dad got the Man of the Match last time I played”.

  

  

Prognosis

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A tough day for most of us, the Moore team starting too well for the sluggish Sefton players, and holding on well.

We’ll wake up tomorrow feeling stiff, but it will be a pleasant stiffness.

Notable impressive displays from Chris Lewis, Darrell, Harry, Paul Murphy, Phil Ingham, Tansi, Beckwith, Adam Hunter, Rob Norwood, Brendo, JayLord, Wayne, Georgio, and Louis (did I miss anyone?).

It is fun to have the camera there (until you watch it and wonder who the fat gnome waddling about is), and I will try to use it more often.

This is because the camera doesn’t lie, you see. It finds people out.

This is the reason Blandie didn’t turn up today, and the 3s were better for it. (The 3s and the 2s subs).

If Blandie played, and it was recorded, he’d have a lot to answer for.

Lets hope Darrell can bring along one of his sons more often, its probably the only way he’ll get a game really.

Looking forward to our next game, in 2 weeks against Oldershaw 2s. The game at theirs was a classic. Hopefully they are short of players. Short of players that can’t play fullback. We are happy to share.

 

Yours,

Campo

“Bullying: Lets Kick it Out.

Or, better still, lets kick it to Goulding”.