Sefton RUFC

- The tale of the invincibles 2024/2025 -

Mossley Hill tried to rain on our parade in the most half arsed manner possible, couldn’t even be bothered to get a load of ringers from wherever, just quietly folded. Whatever; we’ll fume till 11am then have a great intraclub game, between the two best teams in the league, Sefton 2xvs and the people who unfortunately didn’t get picked. The game was decided by one thing and one thing only; pure unadulterated captaincy. I win.

When trying to sum up the greatness of the season so many things pop up, but for me it’s the fact, our two best performances were against the two best teams. Drawing (should have won) against the top of the league above us Ellesmere Port 1xvs and the demolition of the second in the league rivals by over 70 points New Brighton, making a very good team look like they’ve never played before.

Coming off the pitch against New Brighton completely battered and bruised, we all looked at each other and said, I can’t fucking wait to play them at our place. That’s an unbeaten mentality.

 

Player Review – everyone who played 2 games or needed mentioning (apologies if forgotten anyone)

 

So many champions, often in selection we had too many good players, which is a problem but a good problem. Not like back in the day; taking 12 players to away games like in the past, players in no order, just how I grabbed them from whatsapp.

Jack Beckwith – 10 out of 10

As Socrates once pondered, is he a winger disguised as a second row or a second row disguised as a winger. Either way, you could spot this man camouflaged on the wing, scoring.

 The Captain JP Ellis - 9 out of 10

Being reintegrated into the 1s was always a risk, once they remembered he’s their best forward, those silly little gooses. But someone wanting to actively procreate with him, now who saw that coming? His critics would say his captaincy was a little laissez faire, a bit hands off, like a creepy guy with binoculars in the bushes but stats don’t lie and statistically the best captain ever. When he did get to play for his men, he galloped and we followed and it was glorious. The 2xvs demand we want more JP, we've earned it.

I’m docking one point for naming his child after Joe Clark, after all I’ve done for you, the PT sessions, the Saturday morning selection dropouts head on shoulders, boo this man.

Lanky – 10 out of 10

Dynamic, reinvented, sleek and much improved but enough about his new car.  This season Lanky looked like a disappointed father surrounded by his ADHD kids he can’t control, like he can’t wait for them to leave the house so he can put on his robe and slippers and relax.

Unfortunately, father time has caught up to him, or maybe it's the effect of constantly having Holiwood Joe in his pocket. He has decided he wants to play more regularly for the 3s, making this the end of an era. This has gone under the radar with the festivities. So it's up to me now to thank Sefton 2xvs greatest ever player by some distance, for his leadership, his toughness and his willingness to do the dirty jobs. Thank you.

Adam walker – 10 out of 10

He is an absolute stud. Almost managed to go 80 minutes without concussing himself. Almost

Paul walker – 10 out of 10

The veterans veteran. He could still play for the ones, timeless

Andy farlie – 10 out 10

Homeless Andy was a revelation; he came to each game whether playing or injured dressing like he was wearing a random assortment of the left-over kit from the PE basket. He would then drop a 50-yard bomb into the corner or a filthy step to break the line. A man we need to keep next year.. and maybe take shopping.

Ali mckie – n/a 

Did not play

Ben Rowlands – 10.5 out 10

AKA curly ben, a deceptively devastating ball runner, breaking tackles in situations he had no right to. In a season of outrageous solo tries he clearly scored best try scored this season against Ellesmere Port 1xvs away, weaving, dodging and shimmying his way to the corner.

No two armed man could stop him…

Ben Wayman – 10 out 10

My god he’s a beautiful man and it’s reflected in the beautiful rugby he plays. He just makes good decisions every single time. We managed to hold on to him for a few games before the 1s nabbed him. But even the 1s couldn’t corrupt sweet innocent Ben, you would let your daughter date him.

Ben Webster – 10 out 10

My doppelganger, a full-fledged cannonball, a front row rock. He keeps telling me he’s a second row and yet I keep putting him at prop. He was wonderful this season and will be looking at getting more game time. His girlfriend tried to save my modelling career after a nasty knock at Anselmians but alas it was several years too late

Mitch Bretherton – 10 out of 10

Who saw this guy returning. Glory hogging? or is this the calibre of player our champagne rugby is now attracting, dominant in our best performance vs NB and vital in getting us the draw vs Hoylake, I mean Helsby away.

Brendo – 10 out of 10

Brendo is like a Koala, Australian af, deceptively dangerous despite its cute appearance and rife with chlamydia. We still haven’t figured out his position. Is he a 2nd row or winger? As Australia’s worst export since Rolf would say shit and slow second row can’t catch a thing put him on the wing. But Brendo is neither; without him we wouldn’t have won vs Prenton when we were up against it, so have a shoey on us.

Brian Gardener – 10 out of 10

The self-proclaimed playing Presidente, always ready to give us some solid minutes, hold the fort down. However, on several occasions he was asked to play against us. This is when he turned into a freakish mix of Jonah in 95, Dan Carter 05 with Os du Rants propping. We are lucky the opposition didn’t let him throw in the lineout then run and outjump Rainey to secure it.

He is officially old.

Cameron Hughes – 10 out of 10

The worst thing to happen to New Brighton since everyone realised West Kirby is way better. His debut was a pivotal moment in the season that I can picture vividly. 

Just before half time at New Brighton away I thought I saw an unknown tall but malnourished child wander onto the pitch weirdly in a red and white kit. He turned out to be our player, and what a player. He quickly turned the New Brighton game on its head, only to terror them again a few months later. Absolutely boshes people.

Charlie Renshaw –  10 out of 10

“Can I flank James?”, Shush my sweet prop, to be fair ‘Classy’ Charlie Renshaw can do it. The definition of a modern player, I’ve got so many nice things to say about this guy, however I’ve been told he’s not available next season, so he’s dead to me 

Chris Lewis – 10 out of 10

He came barging into the twos in his ones team player red polo making divasish demands, not really. We often forget how new he is to rugby, he has come on leaps and bounds, no longer looks like a new comer but a wily veteran. He keeps shouting at me but I still love him.

Chris Brogden – 10 out of 10

Everyone wants to be my favourite player (I assume) but there can only be one and it's this guy. With knees like breadsticks, I’m incredibly jealous of anyone with shimmy and wiggle, you can often see him bouncing around evading tackles from all directions arm outstretched looking for someone to offload to, while we stand still; arms crossed 20 yards away from him just watching in admiration, we must be like chimps to him. Got him to sign his membership while pissed at the Christmas do, which is great vice captaincy.

 

Danny Harrington – 10 out of 10

Aka the bishop because he only moves diagonally. Another vintage season of tries galore, line breaks and great tackles, one of the few players I’ve ever heard Campo compliment, whether that’s a compliment, it's hard to say.

Dave Almond – 11 out of 10

Simply put: gorgeous. The fact you didn’t vote him player of the season is a testament to how his genius is taken for granted, aging like a fine wine, he simply makes everyone more gorgeous in his aura. This was as good a season as any of his player of the season winning years. Does anyone remember his last bad game for the 2s, I don’t.

Plays a mean bass.

Mark Dobie: – 10 out of 10

This man has far too many pictures of my tiny post-match penis on his phone and if he thinks that will help him keep his place next year.. it will. He fills many roles, Sefton's enforcer, A wall, the glue guy, team pornographer I mean photographer. Another vintage season.

Eddie Alcock – 10 out of 10

Eddie ‘all cock’ Alcock is an absolute stallion, taking out years of being bullied for being ginger (I assume) on the opposition every week, he is a man mountain, a tackling machine, we need to get him jumping in the lineout for next season and we have won rugby.

Elliot – 10.1 out of 10

Prentons finest. The rugby equivalent of screaming bomb at an airport, pure chaos. He came to maim, and maim he did first against Sefton then bodies were left strewn across Winnington, his nickname of el problemo is incredibly accurate

I'm giving him 0.1 extra points because he kicked it once and it was sort of okay

Isaac Lancaster – 8 out of 10

AKA the fauna cater aka the lumbercock. His development has gone under the radar, He has quietly improved all elements of his game, his tactical kicking, his ball running is more direct, his tackling is more aggressive and his passing crisper.

He does need to improve his Karaoke, I’m docking him two points for his persistent abuse of the song Gold by Spandau Ballet on karaoke which borders on a hate crime.

Jack Crone – 10 out of 10

After missing most of the season due to life, he shows up and reminds us what we’ve been missing, the scrummaging, the soft passes, the agilities, the feints. Then he faints. 

Jack Meggit – 10 out of 10

A man mountain with dancing feet. A real classy player. Kicked out of Mossley Hill for being normal, He has dazzled at Sefton, we definitely hope to see more of this stud next year.

Jackson Walker – 10 out of 10

He was meant to be the spine of a team but instead has the spinal integrity of an octopus.  Should of got more votes for man of glass, but when he did play, he’s just a block of granite very hard to stop.

Jay Dempsey – 10 out of 10 

They say for the best players the game slows down and it looks like there moving in slow motion: Messi, Gretzky, Larry Bird etc.  Well, that makes jay Dempsey the best rugby player ever, he’s like watching a Youtube video in 0.5 speed, all the jay classics are still there the big hits the toughness, just need to get his nose sorted and back to legendary status, the boy doesn’t know how close to greatness he is.

Joe Clarke – 10.5 out of 10

What to say about this man: Hollywood Joe aka Joey Primetime aka Broadway Joe, far too much time has been spent talking about Joe, mostly by himself. He has a low pain threshold, and almost definitely secured himself silverware with his toe injury. Watching him army crawl off the pitch I was thinking torn Achilles, ACL maybe? Nope, sore tore. Bloody Footballers.

However, I must admit, he’s a certified legend. Those contested kick off catches are as silky as his underwear. His relentless powerhouse runs that got us on the front foot were pure grit and determination; his enthusiasm has been infectious both on and off the pitch and has been a massive part of our success.

 

Jonathon James – 10 out of 10

Can he kick it? Yes, he will. The most successful Welsh rugby player this year, which to be fair was a low bar. He hasn’t lost a step, though I’m sure he will deny it, he’s very sheepish when it comes to compliments.

Kyle Noon – 10 out of 10

My former favourite player – technically our worst player, with a one draw one win record. Still the man is an absolute horse, the scouse Gorgodze loves to mow down the opposition and I’m all about it.

Liam brown – 9 out of 10

When you play at home you get two things: a pie and beans and Liam Brown. They have a lot in common, one has been at Sefton 20 years; barely changed, is of unknown origin, and is potentially hazardous for human consumption and then you have the pie and beans. In a bizarre phenomenon he put a pair of leggings on against Widnes and turned into a pass first player, which he remains much to the benefit of the players around him.

He wins the award for the best and worst Crossfield kick of the season

I have deducted him one point for constantly running away from Danny Harrington (allegedly)

Luke Griffiths – 10 out of 10

A brief detour in the twos for the lanky legend: we got him from fat to fit, then sent him off like a proud dad to ply his trade with the ones, farewell sweet boy 

Matt Williams – 10 out of 10

An absolute rock in the front row, he went out for milk with JP halfway through the season. Haven’t seen him since. Don’t they know there’s supermarkets everywhere that sell milk? Come back

Mike Dempsey – 10 out of 10

What unnatural element is this centaur made of, he’s half sledge hammer, half ancient ming vase. He spends 80-minute wreaking death and destruction followed by 8 weeks resting with something sore.

Highlight of the season screaming your shit at Anselmians for absolutely no reason 5 minutes into the game.

Phil Ingham – 10 out of 10

This guy has been an absolute menace this year, everyone’s delighted when they see this guy on the team sheet, a favourite of Campo meant he was often shuffled to the threes despite one brilliant performance after another. He has the record for best pass of the year, with a saucy behind the back special against Ellesmere Port.

Jay Evans – 10 out of 10

His all-round play vs New Brighton was par excellence, but it was his conversion kick from the corner that will go down in infamy. Mercurial.

Matt Cunningham – 8 out of 10

Missed the first part of the season with gout but luckily managed to avoid getting any other 19th century illnesses like scurvy or the bubonic plague. He played an integral part in the rest of the season. The best Jackler at the club by a mile and I will fight you on that.

I’m deducting 2 points for the pink boots, they were so friggin bright. Not only because a front row should never be allowed to express himself via shoe ware. But he really wanted us to take the mick out of him for it, does he not get abused enough at home?

Ste Kidd – 10.5 out of 10

The normal one, he may look like your dad’s mate graham, he may have the body shape of a bag of milk, but he’s absolutely rapid. The highlight of his season and of my life must be the rare 4 try special against West Park, pure domination. The only thing stopping him from being the top of the trinity is a lack of self-promotion.

Tom Rainey – 11.5 out of 10

He hates the north, he hates us, but we still love him, that’s how you know he’s brilliant. The pack leader, his work at the lineout was art, and is the biggest on field contributor to our domination, not far off was his line running. A second row in double figure tries, legendary. A true rugby savant, he knows more about rugby than Danny doesn’t know.

Despite his unyouthful appearance he claims to be 30, so he must have that Benjamin Button thing, hopefully we can squeeze another year out of him

Wayne Banthorpe – 11.4 out of 10

Speed kills and Seftons second fastest has it in abundance, 19 times the opposition couldn’t get anywhere near him, and if everyone wasn’t scared of playing us in 2025 then Les Inghams record could have been shattered. He physically can’t run in a straight line; he’s like someone unknowingly sat on a ps5 controller while playing on FIFA. 

The unholiest of the trinity

Will Mesham – 10 out of 10

We squeezed two games out of this little cutie, a scrum half masterclass and some wing wizardry, due to our 57 wingers we couldn’t pick him more, but he was always in my thoughts, especially the dark recesses of my mind.

Lughaidh Power – 10 out of 10

A brief pit stop in between the teams on either side of us. Still, he was dominant, he came, he saw, he came again

Sam Gallear – 10 out of 10

A slimmed down Sam came to play, dominating both Collegiate and New Brighton. One unexpected side of the Ozempic was it prevented him from passing the ball. Though his carrying lost none of its power.

Tom Donnelly – 10 out of 10

He may be the 3s new fly half but when they don’t have a game he's our jug buying winger

Pete Johnson – 10 out of 10

Last year we were forced to pick his son if we got to pick him. Luckily this year round he didn’t put such restrictions on us, allowing us to enjoy some vintage second rowing

 

Paul Murphy – 10 out of 10

Doesn’t have a position, doesn’t need a position, just get out there my sweet little pea and dominate, another home game staple.

Giz – ahh hes not going to read this.

 

Your vice Captain

Shamling

Editors Notes:

A brief mention of our stand in captain, sHamling. Since JP went for milk, he has been the leader, making himself available as a utility player, astonishingly adding prop and hooker to his repertoire. OK, his hooking needs some work, but still impressive. He may yet be classed as a real rugby player. He has a talent for hitting the opposition with his face, and has nearly mastered the art of punctuation, we could maybe make a captain of him yet. Maybe we could conduct a test to see who the players favourite captain is, a captain-off?

Ali did play for the seconds, he was awesome.