Sefton RUFC

A tough game away against Ellesmere Port 2's awaited Sefton 2nd team, made more difficult due to the opposition’s 1st team not having a game. Sefton should expect a few of their first teamers to make an appearance.

Sefton did put out a decent side though, more than capable of retaining there unbeaten record in the League. Despite losing, Wayne Banthorpe to the first team, and Steve Kidd to a mysterious toe injury. The toe seems to be the favoured appendage to injure at the moment after big Joe's close scrape with a life changing toe injury, the copycats are cashing in.

- The Game -

As expected Ellesmere Port came out full of confidence, and Sefton had to rebuff their initial attacks. The scrums were fairly even, with sHamling again stepping in at hooker, and the two props of Matty Cunningham and Charlie Renshaw. Lineouts were a different problem, with Ellesmere's jumper making life difficult for Sefton, and Ellesmere's hooker unable to get any throws straight. Therefore, both teams realised that kicking for touch, unless it wasn’t your lineout, was not an advantagous option.

It was Sefton that struck first, after spending a proportional amount of time in the opposition’s half. A chance eventually coming after pounding their line. The ball comes out to stand off Chris Brogden who off-loads to Tom Rainey, threading him through a gap to go over for an unconverted try.

The match was evenly matched, with both sides getting chances. Ellesmere seemed to have the attacking advantage, but Sefton smothered that by not committing to the breakdowns. Leaving the opposition to make there own mistakes, which was usually a knock on, or a forward pass. Sefton had their own problems, with speed on the outside, but unable to get them enough ball.

- Probable, try of the season -

Ben (3/5) Rowland, recieves the ball, within Sefton’s twenty-two and sets of down the middle of the pitch. He weaves a line through the forwards defence, before cutting out to the backs. Again, outpacing the backline, and into open space, with only the full back to beat. He takes the full back out wide, then draws him back inside, before stepping out again, and round the outside, with the full back completely confused as to where he is going. The elusive flanker is able to dive over for an unconverted try in the corner.

Up to this point Ellesmere had lived off Sefton’s mistakes, and this was how they got back into the game. Two quick unconverted tries put the opposition right back in the game.

Half time, and all square, the game was becoming a real arm wrestle. Sefton were the more positive, looking for space behind the defence, with kicks into space. Once down in the opposition’s half, they kept them penned in. It was a nicely executed delayed pass by Gorgeous that managed to put Chris Brogden in for a try from five yards out. Converted by Gorgeous.

A returning Kyle Noon was dangerous at the back of the scrums, and Ellesmere had work hard to keep him contained.

A rare moment in Sefton’s half, put pressure on their defence, but a superb clearing ball sees Ellesmere rushing back in defence, and onto their five metre line. A panic ensued, and the ball bobbles loose on the ground, with Tom Rainey fastest to react. Picking up, and over the try line, but smothered by the recovering defenders who hold him up over the line.

Another chance to put clear daylight between the two sides came when Sefton get a kickable penalty within Ellesmere's twenty-two. The usual reliable Gorgeous slices the kick wide, and Ellesmere are let off.

In the last quarter Sefton could not get the ball, with the penalty count enabling Ellesmere to push deep into Sefton’s territory. With three minutes to go, the opposition manage to get a break, with a vital knock on missed, they are able to go through under the posts for a converted try to even the score.

Sefton had to battle for the last couple of minutes, with the opposition seeing an opportunity to pinch all the points. Sefton manage to see the game out and settle with a draw, which probably reflected the game, with no side really dominant.

A great competitive game, which was too close to call, luckily we play Ellesmere again in two weeks at Sefton’s ground, let's hope their first team have a game that week. Man of the Match went to Ben (3/5) Rowland.

- Weird Discoveries -

Director of Rugby, Matty Thomas has got really smooth, soft elbows. Don't ask how I know, but if you have a chance,  give them a rub. I don’t know what he puts on them, maybe he has some expensive moisturiser, maybe it's genetic. Not the best superpower, maybe on a par with Campo’s hairless legs.

Yours, Lanky.

Sefton’s Mystery Reporter catches up with new President of Sefton, Mr Gardner for an update on the 'life of Brian'.

SMR: Well Mr President, or should we call you El Chapo? You’re like Sefton’s Donald Trump really. Do you think your anti-migration policy at Sefton, will sit well with the likes of Cockney Jamie and Aussie Campo?

BG: This de-cleansing has gone on for too long. These people come over here, take our women, and take the cream jobs. We really need to keep it inbred here. Everyone should be called Brian.

SMR: Mmmm. Maybe we should stick to rugby. You've certainly had a diverse playing career, is there any position you haven’t played?

BG: No, there isn’t. You name it, I’ve played it. Nowadays I cover so much ground. ‘Sub’ is probably now my specialist position.

SMR: Understandable. A man of your years. So, you’ve even played at fly half?

BG: Yes, of course. That’s my favorite position. That is the main man, fly half. The hub, on which the team rotate..

SMR: Yeah sure. We’ve just seen Campo play 10 last week. And he had to play outside Blandie. Is Campo older than you?

BG: Not sure, but I do know he can’t kick for shit. Why, they are still talking about my touch finder at Oxton last year, to the left hand touchline, with a favourable cross gale. I don’t think they’ve even found that ball.

SMR: Yes, that has been well documented. Along with the pathetic attempt to the right hand touch line. What about this rumour about you on the wing?

BG: Started my days on the wing. Course I had some pace back then, before I discovered beer and pies. Untouchable. The trick is very, very fast feet, taking very, very short steps. No one can tackle when they’re pissing themselves

SMR: It's been a while since I talked to you, and since those days you have to admit you've become an ageing player, slowly dropping down the teams, as random body parts started to fail you. But look at you now, El Presidente.

BG: Yes, it's a great honour, I honestly thought my usefulness was over. Doomed to sit by the fire with the old has-beens, talking about the good old days to anyone who would listen. But now, I have an important role, and people have to listen to me.

SMR:That’s great, and have things improved at work, last time we spoke they had hidden you in the basement, and forgotten about you.

BG: Yes and no, I'm still in the basement, but sometimes I get little memos from my boss.

SMR: Isn't your boss Mandy, your wife?

BG: Well technically, yes, and the memo usually says, did you do the washing up this morning? But that is still communication, I have not been forgotten!

SMR: Steady on, Brian, you're a bit sensitive about that, do you feel she's taking away your masculinity?

BG: Not at all, I'm still the boss in my own house. Just don't tell Mandy I said that.

SMR: I wouldn't dare. I must say you're looking in fine form, have you lost some weight?

BG: I have actually, and I intend to lose more, I want to get back to my fighting weight.

SMR: That's terrific, and have you followed anything to help you lose it, a training regime maybe, or a special diet?

BG: I'm actually following a new experimental mind improving psychology plan called 'self humiliation'.

SMR: Self humiliation, I've never heard of it, how does it work.

BG: It’s great, and totally natural. I just stand in the mirror, and call myself names.

SMR: Names, like what? Jabba the Hutt, the blimp, Buddha, Mr Blobby?

BG: The worst the name, the better. This put me in a deep depression at first, but you get used to it, a bit like constantly telling Goulding he is shit at rugby, eventually you come out the other side, and believe you are great. Like turning a negative into a positive.

SMR: Amazing, what do your friends and family think of this?

BG: Oh, they're very supportive, sometimes I don't even have to ridicule myself, they do it for me, saying "you're doing great Chippy Tits". It's great therapy.

SMR: What great friends you have.

BG: They're the best.

SMR; I hear you've also joined a cycling group, the infamous 'Easy Riders'.

BG: Yes, I'm very lucky to get in, it's by invitation only, a very exclusive club. The training is very tough though, sometimes we go more than 500 metres, before we stop at a pub.

SMR: Surely you’d have trouble keeping up?

BG: No, the trick is very, very fast feet, and stay in first gear. Even downhill. 

SMR: That sounds extreme, but must be rewarding.

BG:: Well when you're abandoned at the bottom of a steep hill, it makes you realise who your friends are.

SMR: What have you found out?

BG: Apparently, the first rule of cycle club is, you have to face your demons on your own.

SMR: Dark. These cycle days out, aren’t they meant to be ‘round trips’?

BG: Yeah, I always make sure I end up near a train station that can get me home. And Mandy is more than happy to come and pick me up.

SMR: That's clever, what are your plans for the future, and what legacy would you like to leave?

BG: Avoiding an early death would be a start, I don’t want to be the third Malta victim. As for legacy, I think my voice will reverberate around the club for years to come. Despite tough competition, I still think I'm the loudest in the club.

SMR: I can verify that. Thank you for your precious time between your endless holidays.

When Brian is not washing up, or on holiday, you can 'hear' him every Saturday on the side line.

The Sefton Mystery Reporter