Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

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After what has seemed like an eternity of pre-season training, and even a pre-season game *, we were finally looking forward to our first game of the season.

Today was our big chance to put into practice what we’d been learning all summer. Today, we will play the Auckland Grid all game. No one will be able to touch us.

 

* The pre-season friendly at the Vale of Lune, Lanky’s old club.

Fantastic day away, on the coach. Cracking game.

No match report though, fortunately for Brendo. He had us in tears. We thought he was parodying the Vale of Lunacy. What an imagination and expression! Just when we’d seen it all with the Aussie Breakdancer at the Olympics, Brendo shows no end to his talent of natural calamitousness.

See him showing off his iron chest, with a perfect pass deflected 10 metres in front of him.

Watch him gracefully extend his arm to the seemingly unreachable ball, just knocking it forward, away from its intended recipient.

And, the Gold Medal moment, the precise timing and statuesque positioning, in preparation of on oncoming kicked ball.

How did he manage this? The dribbling ball, an oval ball with a mind of its own, skittling towards him, Brendo takes an almost copybook pose, one knee down, almost Rodin-esque, and we see the ball fit almost perfectly between his legs, just touching enough to allow an opposition throw in, from 10 metres behind him.

You can’t teach this stuff.

  

  

The Wailing Wall

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Captain Campo got a good opportunity to work on the foundations of the Wailing Wall very early in the season, with the empty tissue box being set in the Sefton Car Park on Tuesday night.

Yes, it was that early that the grim news started to come through.

 

Tuesday night.

Team Selection Night.

We’ve all hardened ourselves now, to the wonders of the “First Team Tuesday Dream Team”, but with the new plastic 2s Captain, JP Ellis setting up his stall, I was hit with some traumatic news…

“You’ve got Muirhead and Dobie on Saturday Campo”, commands the puppet Ellis.

Campo, dumbfounded, “What the…? But Muirhead and Dobie are 2s stalwarts, the spine of the 2s team!! I have been telling you how good they are for years”.

“Well aren’t you lucky then, they should be an asset to your team!”, conjures Matty’s stooge.

Somehow Campo gets the sickening feeling that he has been hoisted by his own petard.

  

Thursday, some good news.

Muirhead, after seeing that his name is not in the 2s Team Sheet *, comes up to Captain Campo and says, “Am I playing wid youse on Satday?”.

“It would appear so Sean, sometimes we are dealt these cards”, from the mournful Campo.

“Well I can’t play now, because I’ve got to put my car in the garage”, counters the beaming Muirhead.

“Ok”, sighs the frozen Campo, bearly able to contin himself, “See you next week. I didn’t even know you had a garage”.

  

* Muirhead is only allowed himself in the 2s WhatsApp Chat Group. “The 3s are below me” he says.

  

Late Saturday morning, ground hog day.

The Jack Beckwith Accident Log has been started for the season.

“Sorry Campo”, he texts, “I think I broke my hand at work yesterday. Sorry about telling you so late but its taken ages to write this text, with a broken hand and all”.

Campo looks at the calendar on his phone, wondering which year this could possibly be.

  

Saturday, 5 minutes before Kick Off.

Salad (aka Chris McNeill) finally turns up.

“Where’s your boy friend, Fruit Salad (aka Kyle McNeill)? You said he was playing”, demands a desperate Campo.

“There was no one to tend to our love child (aka Paul McNeill)”, replys the beard.

  

  

The Numbers

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First day of the season, surely everyone has forgotten how grim it can be, and would be up for a game??

No. We decide to struggle early again this season.

We have 13 players.

But, with a cunningness that exceeds the even masterstoke of playing with an imaginary ball, the Sefton Powers That Be decided to make today, “Team Photo” Day.

Talk about coming out!

Straight away, the Sefton social media stalker, Muirhead is on the scene, his fringe immaculate, the crease in his shorts looking threatening.

“What about your car?”, a dejected Campo asks.

“I’ll do that on another Saturday. An Away Saturday”, Muirhead give his trademark monkey grin.

As well, Paul Walker somehow got early notice and flew in from Thailand.

JJ though he’d throw his immortality into both 2s and 3s Team photos. Will have to see McCleary about a paint job I think.

And Darrell cut short his trip *.

 

* Prop Shortage

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Not sure whats happening at Sefton, we seem to be running very low on Props.

I don’t know why, whether it’s due to the Greggs closures or the cost of a can of Guinness at Sefton, but there is a distinct shortage of fat buggers at our Club.

Props are in high demand.

Darrell Smith took it upon himself, to go on a fat finding trip to Corfu.

Today, it looks like the trip was successful, Darrell was in awesome shape. He had ‘Prop’ written all over him.

(more like “PPPPPPRRRRRROOOOOPPPPP”).

  

  

The Game Plan

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Noticing that the Oswestry 2s had some spritely youngsters in their ranks, Sefton when with their Number 1 Strategy, “Keep it tight in the forwards”.

It was good that we chose this strategy, because no one knew of any other, in the dynamic 3s team.

  

  

The Match

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It could well be described as follows (put on an endless loop).

Pass the ball to a stationary Jay Dempsey, watch the Oswestry forwards give him a good mauling, somehow retain the ball, and give it to an even more immobile Sefton forward, before giving it back to Jay for another go.

Do this 10 times (that’s called phased rugby you know), then let Oswestry have it, to score untouched under the posts.

  

  

The Big Mistake

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Probably not swapping the entire 3rd team with the entire 2nd team before the match.

This would have been the obvious thing to do, given the 2s opposition consisted of 7 lads in thir 50s, and the Oswestry squad looking slightly out of their league.

But no, honourable Captain Campo sticks to his stubborn guns, “this is about character building boys”.

 

 

Kicking - Restarts

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Today, very often, we caught a glimse of the Bland restart range of options.

Indeed, it perhaps may not be a range of such, more like a limitation of options.

Basically, we saw that Blandie is really just a one trick pony.

Indeed, maybe not a pony as such, more like a horse, that has been flogged to death.

Every restart went to the same place. 12 metres, slightly to the left of centre, into the wating hands of Oswestry’s finest runner.

  

 

Kicking - General

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Fortunately, there wasn’t much kicking today, except for a couple of anomalies….

The astute Blandie, who can read a game like no other, finally worked it out, after spending game playing in Sefton’s own quarter, unable to penetrate the rock like Oswestry defence.

He decides to kick the ball up field, without telling anyone of course.

Just hooves it as far as his stump like leg could get it, and sit back, and consider it a thing of beauty.

He actually looks like he has just unveiled a new stained glass panel in the history of rugby kicking.

“It may be a thing of beauty Blandie”, explodes Capatin Campo, “but a kick is only as beautiful as it’s chasers”.

Blandie remains unmoved, until the ball is handed back to him for the restart.

 

JJ somehow managed to get onto the pitch late in the game, perhaps to justify his presence in the 3s Team photo.

He also feels that a good old hoof is in order, but gets a bit of Colin Pascoe in it, the ball sailing horizontally across the pitch to a hiding Salad, on the other sideline.

Incredibly, Salad catches the ball (he’s not spent the summer training with Goulding), and manages to make some nice metres.

This would really have looked like good rugby, to the unknowning eye.

  

  

Injuries

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In this first Match Report of the season, I’ve got the feeling that I’m in repetitive mode already.

Jo Clarke.

The man is amazing. How he has made it this far in life is a wonder.

Did he spend his childhood in a bubble?

His parents must have worked it out pretty quick, that you cannot get hurt if you’re chained to the radiator under the stairs.

Jo must be on tenderhooks when he hears a high pitched sound, as science has shown that to shatter glass.

Amazingly, Jo left his padded room to come down today.

Yes, you guessed it, to be in the Team Photo. He is the John Terry of Sefton.

Rugby? It’s a Joke Lark!

 

Gouldong.

Its funny really, when you consider that injuries usually occur to the parts of the body that are put under the most stress.

Funny that Goulding has never got a mouth injury.

Today, his father turned up again, after vowing never to come to Sefton again, and insisting that he has no children.

His son James needed something today, something to get his father’s attention.

In backplay, with no one watching, he goes down, clutching his leg, screaming, “my shin, my shin”. (Has he been training with Andy Barnes in the off season?). We roll him off, into the waiting arms of his dad, who takes him straight to the bar, “where he’ll be safe”.

 

Jay Dempsey.

For someone who took the ball up about fifty times today, making a combined yardage of negative 15 metres, Jay was in pretty good shape.

That was until, his brother Mikey was let out of his cage on the sideline. These 2 guys are the Borat and Bilo of Sefton.

Next minute Jay is reeling from a sweetly timed punch, with Mikey stating that Jay has to go off immediately.

Captain Campo grudgingly complied, sending the black eyed Jay to the sidelines.

Mikey could then go in to full alpha mode now.

  

 

Prognosis

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In fairness, today could probably could not be regarded as a positive experience.

Sad that the Auckland Grid didn’t work for us today (perhaps Oswetry had trained specifically to counter that?).

The Sefton 3s were badly caught off their guard against a well oiled and slick Oswestry team. A team that positively thrived on defense, in fine, copybook, round-the-legs style.

It was 0-43 at half time.

The second half was a lot better, once we completely replaced the 3s with the fresh 2s *, and were able to give some competition to the ravenous Oswestrarians.

So, we may have lost today, but we have learnt an important lesson:

Make every 3s game a “Team Photo” game!

 

* The 2s today, again, showed no mercy to the sustainability of rugby.

Playing alongside the 3s, against an ‘experienced’ Winnnington Park 2s, the Ellis and Hamling bully boys were ruthless in trying to top the 73-0 hiding they gave Winnington Park last game.

To even up the numbers, they gave them McCleary. This had the effect of both improving the Sefton Team, and bringing the Winnington Parkers to a lower level.

I mean, fair enough, this is probably the only time McCleary has ever lowered a team’s average age, but he did spend most of his afternoon in the Winnington Park in gaol area, awaiting Sefton conversions.

So, congratulations to the rampaging 2s, you got to 78 this time, well done.

  

See you next game

Campo.