Sefton RUFC

Editor’s Note: This week’s Match Report has been written entirely by Hamling. Campo was too busy, although his keyboard ‘comma’ and ‘full stop’ keys are now nearly worn out. 

  

 

The beliefs and ethics that stand at the core of what we love about rugby at Sefton are hanging by a tether.

Last week Arthur and young Arthur (Liam) show their referees no respect berating every decision.

Now, this week, Wayne Banthorpe, after scoring 3 tries, refuses to get a jug in. He claimed only scoring 2 tries despite multiple protestations.

Does he not know how important this tradition this is? (though when you think about it, you’re punishing someone for scoring three tries)

  

Les Ingham scored so many tries one season and had to buy so many jugs of beer he had to start donating sperm for cash, and 9 months later we get Phil.

Coincidentally Goulding used to work at a sperm bank but got fired for drinking on the job.

  

  

The Match

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Unfortunately, you might have noticed this is written by me (Shaaamling).

Campo has to write a eulogy for his good friend and Liverpool FC legend Ron Yeats. In my first years at the club Ron would come to Sefton to watch the 3s, not only was he the first man to wear the all red Liverpool kit he was a great laugh, a true gentleman and is missed by all at Sefton regardless of football club supported.

However, Campo did send me his hastily written match report…

 

Campo’s Match Report

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CRIKEY, what a bloody showing bruces and sheilas.

2 new players turned up this week, apparently there is this thing called subs, CRIKEY.

This seems to be too much of an advantage so I decided to turn up 10 minutes before the game was to start and then try and refuse when the referee offered to delay the game 5 minutes. I even put Blandie at scrum half, STRUTH.

Here are some of my highlights of the game, CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS YET?

-          Shamling missing a kick for touch (I rubbed this in a lot)

-          All the terrible handling and offloads especially Brendo’s attempted offload

-          The lineouts

-          Ste Kidd’s brutal clothesline

Good times, despite my best-efforts Sefton won, no character was built today and people will probably want to play next week, oh well, off to throw some shrimp on the barby and have a few shoeys of VB. CRIKEY

 

My Match Report

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A chaotic start to the game, Tom Rainey cancelled last minute as he got some lucrative work in Manchester and Joke Lark cancels to take his ‘wife’ to paint a nude man in Manchester.

Losing our two biggest runners, some switch arounds and no warm ups and we are ready to go.

Running up hill, Sefton started off frantic, back and forth turn overs and opportunities often overplayed, ended with Sefton struggling to get out their 22, eventually Port’s big man crashes over.

Sefton hit back with a great try, getting the ball wide, some great back and forth interplay between Louis Roose and Danny Harrington leads to a try. In a game with terrible offloads, it was great attacking play by any standard.

 

Sefton take the lead as the great James Hamling aka the assist man aka Jonny Wilkinson, intercepts a wild looping pass from their scrum half, barely avoids getting obliterated and puts a grubber into the corner for new boy Ben to score on debut.

The ref and Campo come from the other 22 to check out whether it was a try. Campo was furious as this goes directly against his “do not kick” mantra.

 

Sefton get a third with Wayne smashing his first of 3 tries hard into a non existent hole, to put the 3s in a great position at the end of a hard fought first half.

 

The second half we were going downhill and knowing what we needed to do.

Isaac Lancaster drunkenly stumbled onto the pitch (we’ve spent so much time worried about his shrubbery fetish; a treesexual he calls himself! We haven’t noticed what a filthy boozehound little Lanky has become, we need to get to the root of this before he branches out to other stuff and leaves us behind).

Unfortunately, Port Sunlight pulled one back, but eventually Sefton get their act together and start rumbling downhill, the ball goes out wide and the assist king offloads to Isaac to score. I’m sure he’ll be at Delamere Forest celebrating.

 

Sefton score back to back tries when Ben Webster who is back to being a regular as he has changed jobs, he’s now the new Richard, puts Wayne who used to be faster than Ste Kidd into a gap, he gets caught and tackled just before the line, rolling over to put the ball down, it was such an obvious try that even the ref from 50 metres away could see it, not that Port Sunlight liked that.

 

The assist god finished the game off, after going to scrum half sniping and playing a simple 2 vs 1 to Wayne just like I never learned to do in the Aukland grid.

 

After the game Wayne never bought a jug.

 

Unfortunately, as the tries were scored by backs, the forwards haven’t got any mention, however, they were the stars today, man of the match went to Matty Wiliams for his pod work tackling and scrummaging. It could of easily gone to Salad’s non stop work round the park, Ben’s big carries and the work of Dobie, Darrell, Brendo, Campo and Goulding, doing the hard work so the backs could take the glory aka the traditions of rugby.

A great showing from the two new rugby lads, Ben and Lewie, who look to have a lot of promise adding some wheels out wide and great tackling.

 

 

 

Sefton’s Secret Mystery Reporter (SMR)

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A recorded audio interview with the unholy trinity of Joe Clarke, Wayne Banthorpe and Ste Kidd.

 

SMR: hi guys first off wayne and ste, You two share a lot of similarities: the gingerness, the speed, the passing, mostly the gingerness, There was a rumour at one point that you were just one person moving incredibly fast, but it's good to put that to bed, who is the leader here?

Wayne: that would be me

SMR: that makes sense, can I enquire about your name, it sounds like you’re a landowner from Georgian times not the common muck i see before me

Wayne: yes I indeed descend from aristocracy, unfortunately my uncle james Hewitt got us disowned and now I walk round car parks in Liverpool city centre looking for scrap metal and loose change, that’s how I happened on these two and we formed a gang, eventually we found our way to Sefton in search of pie and beans.

 

SMR: what a beautiful story, I have some more questi..

Joe: have I told you about my try?

SMR: eurgh, fine go on

Joe: well… (audio description lasts ten minutes fast forwarded)

 

SMR: So enough talk about last week let's talk about this weeks game, you missed it to take your wife to Manchester to paint a naked man, did she enjoy it?

Joe: oh yes, she said she had some trouble getting used to the model, because he had an outie and I have an innie

SMR: a bellybutton?

Joe: no a..

SMR: never mind, is she a big painter?

Joe: oh yes massive.. theres naked men at our house all the time.. I mean erm I think shes a painter, ermmm I bought her watercolours for her birthday and she said what are these? …Should I be concerned

 

SMR: nahh, anyways Ste, your a parking ticket inspector, how the heck are you the most popular of the three

Ste: have you met the other two

SMR: touché, this is a new sport for you, what players have you been watching to help learn

Ste: tom brady, Patrick Mahomes, joe Montano, all the legends

SMR: there not rugby players thats NFL, 

Ste: is there a difference?

SMR: well that explains the passing, speaking of your passing, have you done any extracurricular work to improve on it

Ste: yes I’ve got a new specific passing coach at the club

SMR: oh cool, is it Jamie Luck? self proclaimed best passer in club history

Ste: nope

SMR: Nye? current professional international scrum half

Ste: nah

SMR: gorgeous?

Ste: pfft

SMR: the jaylord?

Ste: even better

SMR: then who

Ste: danny Harrington

SMR: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Audio tape terminates

 

 

Editor’s Note: Apologies, that was all Hamling.

Editor’s Note: It’s ‘schooies’, not ‘shoeys’. And it would Tooheys New. And it would be ‘pots’ if it was VB.