Sefton RUFC

All that Glitters is not Goulding

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The “Campo Mental Therapy” hotline (Government Grant funded) has started up again, with Goulding wasting no time to get on the telephonic couch earlier this week….

 

Goulding: “I’m scared I’ll get hurt Campo.

Get hurt and won’t be able to work”.

Dr C: “Ah yes, you finally got a job didn’t you”.

Goulding: “I can get insurance from Legal and General for £26 per month, but that’s basically my beer allowance”.

Dr C: “Well, you have been very lucky up till now, that you’ve not got your come uppance”.

Goulding: “Yes, I’ve benefited from the new tackle rules, but I’m worried that there’s more Wayne Bandthorpes out there. What can I do?”.

Dr C: “I suggest you model your game on Brendo’s. There’s a bloke that will be playing rugby for ever, and he’s never gunna get injured. His ‘Action Avoidance’ strategy will suit you perfectly”.

Goulding: “Wow, that cure is so obvious! (Did Muirhead phone you as well?)”.

Dr C: “Np mate, I’ll be strongly recommending you for the 2s next week”.

 

 

Pre-Match

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As usual, Campo Cabs were in full demand.

Brendo had walked direct to the cab rank, eager to call “shotgun”.

First stop, Blandie’s house.

There’s a delay. There’s shouting heard through the front door…

 

“Where’s my sock honey? Have you washed it?”.

Brendo and Campo shift uncomfortably in the cab.

“It’s in the bedroom darling, stuck on the wall”.

Campo checks the watch he’s never worn, cursing the time.

Blandie finally saunters out swinging his sock around like a ferris wheel, a bit like Muirhead.

“Missing sock. You don’t have to wear it on your foot you know”.

Poor Brendo slowly moves his left arm to lock his door.

 

And they’re off, keen to get Goulding with his tales of The Human League and Duran Duran.

 

  

Don’t You Want Me Baby?

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The 3s benefited today, starting with the 2s Away stalwarts, Dobie, Ben Webster and Phil Ingham.

It seems the priority for the 2s is new blood, homies, and those returning from injury.

Surely this can only bring harmony to the Club?

 

Anyway, 13 players is nearly double than the 7 we had last week.

 

  

The Warm Up

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As usual, this consists of the lads practicing their kicking while Captain Campo sheepishly approaches the opposition Captain to ask fo players.

We are generousy lent 2 solid Oxton forwards, a very ‘experienced’ second row, and the Swede *, who played for us last year.

* Those Clint Eastwood fans will remember this handsome beast in "Heartbreak Ridge".

 

  

The Game Plan

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Seeing the RFU’s recent Press Statement regarding the sustainability of the game, by introducing Non Contact Rugby into Junior Schools, the Sefton 3s decided to give this Non Contact Rugby a go.

We prove to pick up the rules really well, but Oxton were not playing fair.

When they had the ball, we avoided contact, and they’d usually score.

But when we had the ball, we got battered.

The ref was happy to let play continue!?!

  

 

The Match

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It was a game of 2 halves really.

With McTeary playing 9 in the first half, Oxton went ballistic, scoring 90 unanswered points.

In the second half, with Brendo wearing the 9 shirt, it was a fair contest, with Oxton edging it 7-5.

It really should have been a draw though, after the Swede proved unstoppable from 5 metres out, the ball was thrown to Tom Donnelly for the conversion from in front of the posts.

(the reasoning being that, when Tom does come to training, all he does is drop goals around the park all night).

((why, oh why didn’t we just hand the ball to Chris McTeary – with his 100% conversion record???)).

Of course Tom’s effort hits the post and doesn’t go in.

  

 

The Throwing of the Toys

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Most of the Sefton players approached Captain Campo during the game, asking if Muirhead has the number of the “Campo Mental Therapy” hotline (Government Grant funded).

Clearly Muirhead needs help.

During the game, he is fighting his inner demons, shouting out questions, and screaming back answers.

No one knows what he’s debating himself about.

One feels he may need some time to rest and convelesce. He needs a spell in the 2s.

  

  

The Oxton 9 Gets Pulled Off

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I was speaking to the ‘injured’ * Oxton Captain, Karl, before the game.

He was proud of the Oxton 2s, pointing out his 17 year old son in the Oxton 9 shirt, “that’s my lad, he’s nearly a man now. He’s a fine player, its in the blood”.

I thought the lad looked like his mother.

Anyway, this 9 was pretty slippery, but finally got caught by our Tom Donnelly in the second half.

Well, he was caught in the lower half really, with Tom’s pincher like grip catching the lad on his manboyhood.

There’s a load moan, and Karl Junior ends up on the ground. The ref stops play, even though Karl Junior seems ok.

“Whats all this gooey white stuff? **” he groans. Karl Senior rushes onto the pitch with some magic tissues.

He cleans up his son, helping him get off, encouragingly with, “you’re a man now son”.

* I say ‘injured’, but he looked ok to me.

It’s pretty obvious though, that Karl wouldn’t really get into the Oxton 2s Team, with good players in every position.

The honourable thing is to feign injury.

I did suggest to Karl that he buys a 7 seater car, so he might get a look in for Oxton ‘away’ games, like our Lanky.

 

** After the game, a concerned Blandie went up to Karl Junior to check for bruising.

In a touching scrum-half to scrum-half moment, Blandie offered some advice, “you can use a sock for that in future”.

  

  

Salad’s Bowled Over

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Poor Salad. A man of principles.

He came down today to play rugby, and play rugby properly.

Rugby, for him, is a contact sport, so he was the only player who did any tackling today.

Unfortunately for him, it all got too much in the second half, and after making what seemed like about 8 tackles in a row, he finally played the ‘hurty knee’ card.

Dr C: “6 days of serious rest mate”.

  

  

Post Game Prognosis

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Well done to Oxton today, they were by far a superior side, but didn’t take the piss. I just hope they get some proper opposition sometime this year.

Thanks to the Sefton lads for sticking to their task, it was nice to get the try, and even nicer to hear the final whistle.

Congratulations to our debutant, Charlie the Mullet. Only 17 years old, and hopefully to young too carry any scars from today.

It was nice to see a beaming Goulding in the bar afterwards. No sign of any anguish or worry.

“Thanks for your advice Campo, I didn’t need a shower and I’ll save on laundry bills!”.

Dr C: “All part of the service Goulding. Maybe you could you put some of those savings on the bar perhaps?”.

Goulding: “I don’t think so, I’m modelling myself on Brendo you know”.

  

  

Addendum

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A short note of last week’s game, with Sefton 3s hosting Southport 3s.

Officially, the result was a win to Southport, 0-35.

Unfortunately, Sefton could only manage to gather 7 good men for the game, but were keen to give Southport a game, as everyone cries off when they play Southport.

The Southport Captain was not happy with our numbers, but agreed to play when the game ‘was given to them’ before kicking off.

Southport lent players to Sefton, to make the game more enjoyable.

Although the lent Southport players were well past their sell-by-date, amazingly, these guys shone in the new Sefton shirts. It was like our shirts took 30 years off them!

The amicable Southport Captain soon realised his mistake, and asked his players to come back to Southport’s team, only to be rebuked, “no, we like it here with Sefton!”.

I’m not sure if the Southportians were any judge of character but they took an instant dislike to big Sam today, with a couple of beheading attempts early in the game bringing a sharp intake of breath from the burgeoning crowd.

Luckily, at this level, there were no serious consequences though, with Sam soldiering on uncomplainingly. He insists that he scored a try as well (but how does that work if you lose 35-0?).

Other points of note were a converted try to Chris McCleary.

Yes, I know this is hard to believe, but it was a replica of his other try where someone else does all the work and waits for Chris to come into the in goal area to ‘score’ a gift wrapped try.

Funnily enough, Chris converted his own try, “from the sideline, in the howling gale”. (is that right Chris?).