Sefton RUFC

Selection

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After Selection on Tuesday, the 2s Captain JP Ellis quickly published his Teamsheet, stating that everyone not in the 2s can play for the 3s.

  

The OFFICIAL Phone Call

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(Below is the official transcript, including translations, for the phone call, registered at 06:23, Wednesday, 23rd November, between Joe Clarke and John Paul Ellis)

   

JC:  ... sob … JP… what the fuck?

JPE:  Who is this? It’s 6 o’clock in the morning.

JC:  … choke … it’s me, Joe

JPE:  Joe? (pause) do you want the number for Campo’s Understanding Neuro Therapy hotline?

JC:  … sniff … No! I’ve just seen the 2s Teamsheet …

JPE:  Yes - that’s our best team ever!!

JC:  … blub … but … where’s my name?

JPE:  You? Well, with the 3s of course.

JC:  … wail … but they lose all the time, I don’t want to play with them.

JPE:  But didn’t you tell Campo that your heart was with the 3s and that’s where you really want to play?

JC:  … woe… Yeah I know, but the 2s are winning. What about the friendship group? We have to be with each other…

JPE:  What? You’re like, 40 years old! Who do you mean?

JC:  … weep … Wayne and Steve. We are like brothers.

JPE:  But I need reliable 80 minute good players. Players who aren’t so sensitive.

JC:  … sensitive??? …

 

Female (translated): EEJIT! GIVE ME THAT! IS THAT THE 2s CAPTAIN? TO BE SURE.

JPE: Yes … gulp …

Female (translated):  C’MERE TO ME! I WEAR THE TROUSERS.

JPE: … ek ok

Female (translated):  JUST PUT JOE IN THE TEAM. HE NEEDS TO WIN SOMETHING. HE FOLLOWS EVERTON FOR FECKS SAKE!

JPE:  I guess he could be a sub…

Female (translated):  A ‘SUB’? LIKE IN SUBMISSIVE?? PERFECT. JUST LIKE AT WORK AND AT HOME!

JPE:  ok, he can carry the water.

 

JC:  oh JP, thanks so much.

JPE:  so, you’d rather be a sub for the 2s Away, rather than start for the 3s at Home?

JC:  oh yes, I only want 5 minutes. We are getting a trophy at the end of the season, aren’t we??

JPE:  We’ll see. Make sure you tell Campo.

JC:  Campo? Who’s that?

 

   

Pre Game

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We have 15 good men. And coach Jamie Luck on the bench.

We were also lucky to have Harry Osborne turn up today, it being the start of the school holidays.

As he’s getting changed, we ask him where his dad is, Harry responds that Wayne is probably just sitting in his rocking chair on his front porch, whittling.

“Do you want me to ring him?”, he asks.

Campo considers this, we could use another sub to keep Jamie Luck on his leash.

“Yeah, tell him to bring his boots”.

  

Pretty Boy Ben

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We had another new face today, Ben, who looks about 15.

He has shown a bit of toe at training and insists he’s a winger.

He can only play the first half, so he can be home before dark.

Campo selects him at 9.

(Note: Campo explains afterwards, “I thought he said, ‘I can only play fly half’”)

 

  

Auckland Grid InAction

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Before kickoff, the ref makes sure we have a front row, then:

Ref: Have you got any substitutions?

Jamie Luck: Yes sir, just me.

The ref looks Jamie up and down, lingering midway, and says, “ok, you’re allowed rolling subs”.

  

  

The Game

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Birkenhead Park had this massive centre. Big ginger lad.

Every time he got the ball, he scored.

Untouched.

He also kicked his conversions.

Basically, Birkenhead’s strategy was to get the ball to him as quick as possible. It was like a one man team. He got all their points.

He actually complained that they were passing the ball to him too much.

  

Sefton, on the other hand, were more than happy to pass the ball around as much as they could.

This had a lot to do with the ferocity of the Birkenhead defence.

  

 

The Opposition Winger

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Birkenhead had this massive guy, carrying a lot of weight.

Our props, Matty and Chris were shitting themselves at the kickoff.

But it turns out this guy is a winger! Birkenhead’s very own Jack Beckwith.

Poor Louis is opposing him, on the Sefton side.

After about 5 minutes, he comes up to the Sefton Captain, “Campo, I want to get replaced”.

Campo says, “Don’t worry Louis, their 13 will never pass it to him. Your rugby kit is safe”.

Lewis is squirming, “its not the outside of my kit that I’m worried about…”.

  

  

A Thing of Beauty

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3 awesome tries to Sefton today though, for Matty Williams, Brendo and Georgio.

Obviously, they are not things of beauty.

The real work of art, was the lead up to Brendo’s try...

Sefton had been pressing the Birkenhead line, but could not penetrate the brick wall.

Although the creative Wayne Osborne had come on, Blandie had put him at inside centre, to experience the renown "Blandie Distribution" first hand.

Eventually, Wayne shoves the Bland one aside and takes the ball at 10, rushing to the oncoming defence.

He doesn’t even turn, but somehow slips an inside ball to the sprinting Harry Osborne on his right hip.

Harry is through, but is pulled down on the line, with a gleeful Brendo stretching out to take the spoils.

Even the opposition appreciated that pass, the Birkenhead Captain applauding, “that is certainly one for the bank”.

It was like the father and son had been practicing that move every 2nd weekend since the boy was born.

 

  

The Engine Room

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Thumbs up to the Sefton scrum today, eventually holding their own against a good Birkenhead pack.

Credit to Chris Lewis (who continued to play on, even with a broken back AND and a broken neck), Matty Williams (rewarded with a fine try), and the lads behind them, Harry, playing-for-time Darrell, the ever improving Brendo and Paul Murphy.

Poor Charlie the Mullet took an accidental hit to the head which rendered him even more senselesslier than normal.

Sorry Charlie, but you’re gunna have to have more than 6 days rest for that!

  

  

Kicking - Restarts

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As usual, we have to put up with Matt give-me-the-ball! Bland’s restarts: “I always kick it 10 metres though”.

We patiently accept his kicks down the middle (when they are meant to go left), until he didn’t make the 10 metres.

Up steps Jamie “I’ve been doing this since before you were born” Luck.

His first kick goes high, and starts bouncing around the 5 metre mark. Length has always been his problem.

Amazingly, the bouncing ball hits the gunt of the curious Birkenhead hooker, and then onto the leg of the Birkenhead prop in front of him.

Penalty to Sefton, “Offside”, says the ref. (no, really, it was like that all day, TF).

Jamie looks at his incredulous team mates and says, “you can’t coach that kinda stuff”.

  

  

The Ref

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Sefton were very lucky today, to have an experienced ref that made the game more competitive than the scoreline suggests.

Basically, he was very stringent on the Birkenhead play.

It wasn’t until Jamie Luck was brought on as a sub did the ref manage to finally award some penalties to Birkenhead.

 

  

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog…

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As mentioned above, it seems a lot has changed since Jamie Luck last played.

A number of new rules he was unfamiliar with, and certainly the lowering of the tackle height was new to him.

It’s a good job that he is only coaching now I guess.

Perhaps the rugby balls have changed as well, as witnessed with Jamie’s conversion attempt after Georgio’s fine try:

“Well, I’ll be! These balls don’t go as far as they did back in my day!”

Jamie struggled with his opposite number at times, mainly just with his pace and ability.

After the game, the concerned Birkenhead 9 went up to Jamie Luck to check for mental scarring.

In a touching scrum-half to scrum-half moment, he offered Jamie some advice, “Good luck in learning how to play 9”.

  

 

Prognosis

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Pretty happy with the game today, thought Sefton played well, after the initial 15 minutes which were spent in our in goal area wondering how to stop the Birkenhead centre.

Good to have the numbers as well, maybe we’ve turned a corner hopefully.

No sign of the big ginger lad after the game, we were all wondering how many jugs there would be, when you score 10 tries.

To be fair, he didn’t need to shower.

Maybe he’d been called up to play for Sale * later in the afternoon.

As for the loyal 2s stalwart, Cryin’ Arse Joe…

He did get his 10 minutes for the 2s, when he came on at halftime.

Then decided to sprint off with a toe injury which turned into a hurty rib.

Seems that Jaylord Evo fired a rocket pass right into the breadbox that knocked the wind outa poor Joe.

* Talking about the Sale game, we need to ask Matty Thomas how his 5 foot son managed to get a red card for a high tackle?!