Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

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With the 3 Sefton Mens Teams playing today, and all 3 teams playing away, there was only ever going to be sadness and disappointment.

With the 1s and 2s taking whoever they like, the 3s were depleted from the start: “Tuesday Night Selection”.

The 1s were always going to struggle, with players getting injured every week (I think they ‘warm up’ for too long before their games), and players were forced up from the 2s.

As for the 2s, they had to resort to their “Away” team today. A team that is entirely different to their “Home” team.

The 2s Away Team is made up entirely of 3s players.

  

 

The Wailing Wall

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Forget about the Wailing Wall this week, on Tuesday night, after Selection, 3s Captain Campo went straight to Tesco, brought the entire shelf of Tissues, and threw them all straight into the Sefton skip.

Cut out all the preamble and middle men.

From then, it was just a silent, darkened room for Campo, 4 days of staring into the invisable abyss, contemplating the harsh injustices of life.

“I’ll have to take McCleary”…..

  

 

The Numbers

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All that hard work that Campo had done, working on the 3s player’s numbers, confidence and self asteem.

All those false underage female online social accounts he’d set up and maintained, encouraging players like Brendo down to the Club.

Gone to nothing, in the stroke of a pen.

JP’s 2nd Team Teamsheet doesn’t consider loyalties, or online promises, or appropriate skill sets.

Its all about numbers for the 2s. It doesn’t matter that they are all well groomed 3s players.

They even took Blandie, for God’s sake!

 

None the less, there were 6 left.

6 good men to uphold the Sefton Honour.

  

 

The Warm Up

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With Louis Campbell and Phil Ingham going direct, there was only 1 pool car: McCleary’s street legal hot rod company car BMW.

It has an “11” on the speedo.

If ever you want to get the juices going, jump in that car and say, “We’re running late!”.

In the 15 minutes from Sefton to Moore, not a word was spoken.

Uttered prayers yes, but only silence, among the repetitive re-cycling of McCleary’s “Motivational” playlist of 1 song:

   Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls”.

Played at the highest volume: “11”.

Us 4 were pumped up for anything by the time Chris had finished doing some circle work in the Moore overflow carpark field.

  

 

The Game Plan

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With the very generous Moore (double hernia’d) injured Captain Mikey lending us 6 good Moore men, we decided on a simple strategy: “Give it to the Moore guys, anyone is gunna be better than us”.

  

 

The Match

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It was very close actually, with the Home Moore team making a lot of mistakes, and the Sefton (Away Moore) team playing surprisingly well.

There were a few incidents to note….

  

 

Moore’s Very Own Goulding

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We all vividly remember Goulding’s dazzling run against Moore at Sefton in March last season, where he rean through the opposition, veering to an open tryline, when he inexplicably threw the ball forward to an imaginary invisible player.

I know it was on Veo that day, but I didn’t know the clip went viral…

Moore had lent us one of their younger players today. He had man bun.

He was a pretty handy ball carrier, and took a particular liking to bumping off every opposition player when he got the ball (modelling himself on Carl Ross).

He also must watch “Crazy things to do” on the YouTube.

He does this run, sideways, backwards, pirouetting, knocking over everyone on the Moore team, and eventually finds himself in the open, with a clear run to the tryline.

Then, he inexplicably threw the ball forward to an imaginary invisible player.

(Later, after the match, Goulding told me how proud he was that someone has finally took notice of him).

 

Later on in the game, we are witness to more “Goulding-ologies”….

Another player Moore dumped on us (how little Moore’s Mikey knew that the Moore discards played the game of their lives today), was this ‘experienced’ guy who played scrum half.

He was really pretty handy, and kept Sefton in the game.

He does this run, fairly straight through everyone on the Moore team, and eventually finds himself in the open, with a clear run to the tryline.

Then, he inexplicably throws himself to the ground, as if tackled by an imaginary invisible player.

Some of us look to the distant hills, searching for a glint of metal, or a flashed reflection from a telescopic sight.

We couldn’t see anyone. He was good.

 

  

Moore’s Fox in the Henhouse

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Ok, we had seen 2 pretty good examples of Moore’s covert strategy: “Help Sefton, but don’t be letting them win”, but there was a third incident, which wasn’t so subtle…

Moore’s Mikey had also lent us this big bearded guy.

He did a lot of powerful running and bone jarring tackling.

Its really suprising how much better you play when you’re playing against your mates.

Anyway, Moore had the ball, and there's this big ruck.

Phil Ingham, in an act of unbridled cunningness, ignores all the rules, and enters a ruck from the Moore side.

He picks up the ball, turns around and runs for the line.

The referee obviously couldn’t see.

Then, out of nowhere, the big bearded guy (playing for Sefton) wraps Phil up up and slams him to the ground.

Everyone is pissing themselves, and the ref inexplicably decides on a scrum.

 

  

The “Louie Camp-Ball”

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Moore have the ball on the half way line, and there's this big ruck.

Goulding, in an act of pure shithousery, ignores all the rules, and enters a ruck from the Moore side.

He picks up the ball, turns around and veers for the tryline.

The ref still appears to be unsighted.

Goulding is easily run down by the overweight Moore prop, but pops it to Sefton’s mobile Moore prop.

As he goes down, he pops it to McCleary.

(what is he doing there? You may ask. He was still rolling around in the vicinity, with a feigned injury from about 10 minutes ago).

There’s no one around for miles. McCleary clearly has no appetite to move (“that’s what street legal hot rod company car BMWs are for!”).

He hopes Sefton’s left wing has been following the play (for Chris can only pass right handed).

But alas, Sefton’s left wing is Louis Campbell.

Louis, the man the who figures predominately in the RFU’s “Getting Dirty Masterclass” videos (as the “before” example).

Could Louis be any different today?

McCleary, the supplier enabler, has the ball. He floats a ‘hail Mary’ out to his left, and the game stops.

The crowd hold their breath, 5 Seftonites pray, as the ball falls into Louis’ flailing arms.

He juggles the ball, playfully teasing us, before resting the ball on his neck behind his head and then jogging over the try line.

He keeps jogging though, across the dead ball line, with McCleary screaming, “watch out for the brambles – you may dirty or tear your immaculate Sefton stockings”.

So Louis falls over, narrowly avoiding severe emotional carnage, and the ref (from the halfway line) awards possibly Sefton’s greatest ever 3rd Team Away Try at Moore this Season.

We should never forget this evolutional moment, perhaps Rugby’s biggest innovation since William Webb Ellis first took the ball in his arms and ran with it. Soon everyone will be carrying the ball behind their head.

 

The Ref

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It is quite common knowledge, amoungst those purists of our lovely game, that a good ref is one that you don’t even notice is on the pitch.

Today, it was like that all game.

Both teams played like there was no ref, honestly stopping for any knock ons, forward passes and self policing any shithousery.

Things could not have been any easier for the man in yellow, who basically didn’t need to move from the half way mark, use his whistle or make any decisions.

Its how rugby should be played.

  

 

Goulding’s Semenal Moment

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In social games like this, where no official record is kept of the score, and, once everyone is knackered, its accepted that last try wins the game.

Sefton were well under the cosh, scrambling uphill all second half and not looking too good for a comeback.

There’s a scrum on the halfway line, Sefton have ball in hand, it travels through the backline, simple draw and pass.

McCleary gets the ball.

(what is he doing there? You may well ask again. He has just sprinted back on, from the sideline, where he’d been clutching his knee – he’ pulled himself off in the first half).

Things have slowed down considerably, its like walking rugby, but there’s a 2 on 1 on the left wing.

Alas, Sefton’s left wing is now Goulding.

Goulding, the man the who figures predominately in the RFU’s “Catching Masterclass” videos (as the “before” example).

Could Goulding prove to be the difference today?

McCleary, the assister enabler, has the ball, and draws the last Mooreovian in. He floats a ‘hail Mary’ out to his left, and the game stops.

The crowd hold their breath, 5 Seftonites pray, as the ball falls into Goulding’s flailing arms, and he veers away on his own to the corner post, scoring possibly Sefton’s greatest ever 3rd Team Away Try at Moore this Season.

We will never forget this moment, for as long as Goulding lives. 

  

 

Lineouts

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My intention was to singularly mention each one of the noble 6 Seftonites today, and am struggling to fit in Campo somehow.

Perhaps the one thing we took away from today’s games was our 100% winning stat on ALL the lineouts, with Campo easily being lifted by Phil and Harry at 2 (“he’s a lot lighter than Brendo”), from well within the 5 metre line.

This may have had a lot to do with Moore’s 6 foot 6 jumper being lifted well past the 5 metre line, and Moore’s hooker, Oddjob, probably more suited to throwing an improvised Top Hat.

 

 

Injuries

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Not many teams can lose a third of our players to injury, and play better, but we lost Harry Gribbon and ChrisMcCleary today, both hobbling off with self diagnosed “Hurty Knee”.

No doubt the young and supple Harry will soon be back, but things aren’t looking so good for the old and brittle McCleary, who could probably work on his photography editing skills.

  

 

Prognosis

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Its rare days like that that make you glad you are born.

To travel out to Moore today, with our tail between our legs and cap in hand was not good.

But to be met with such open arms, and be overawed by the charity and good nature of the Mooreovians, was a stretch of our emotional heart strings.

It was a fun day.

I understand that it is now not “PC” to refer to them as “The Gentlemen of Moore” anymore, but I would go so far as calling them “The Very Nice Men of Moore”.

 

Subscript: I guess the “Loyal 3s” can take some consolation with the 1s 50 nil hammering at Warrington today – maybe they should have gone short and asked Warrington for players as well?