Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match / Conditions

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⁠It has been a wild and wet week, with Storm Bert in full flow.

Sefton 3s had done well to assemble 15 players this week, a lot better than the 6 heroes that wnet to Moore last week.

We even had the promise of ex-Club Captain, Jamie Luck, now coach of the Sefton 1s, who were all resting this week.

Jamie is always good for 70 minutes.

 

Conditions though, were not good.

On Friday, it was decreed that a pitch inspection would be necessary, at 10:30 Saturday morning.

Campo was quick to organise Matty Thomas, our Director of Senior Rugby.

“Easy Matt” is well known for his ethic, “the show must go on”, and a confirmation text was sent promptly at 10:30.

I’m not sure Matt even left the comfort of his own home?

Anyway, we are greatfully indebted to Chris McCleary this morning, who worked tirelessly with his pitchfork and broom, to ensure our game could be played with an acceptable amount of flooding.

 

   

The Numbers

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Amazing what a home game does for players, they were all keen this week, we even had some subs.

Sadly, Jamie Luck had looked out of his window this morning, and instantly said to his wife: “Get my handbag darling, we’re shopping today”.

Wallasey also had to be groomed into coming to Sefton (but not by ‘15’ year old ‘Alice’).

They were struggling for numbers, and still came along when Campo offered to play for them himself.

This meant Blandie had to stand in as Sefton Captain today.

Thanks also to Darrell, Ben Webster, Paul Murphy and Louis, who put on a Wallasey shirt during the game, to even things up.

 

  

The Warm Up

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With both teams out early, the rain not letting up, the 2s playing on the other pitch, we decide on an early kickoff, with the hope of using up all the hot water before the 2s finish.

Both teams are in position and the ref is just about to blow his whistle, but Phil Ingham decides to slowly jog off, muttering something about dropping the kids off at the pool.

Both teams remain in position for about 10 minutes. The 2s game gets underway. There goes our hot shower.

Phil comes jogging back, a bit quicker this time.

A concerned Initial Captain Campo asks Phil if he was ok.

“Yes mate”, grins the affable Phil, “it was a nice firm, pungent dump, very dark in colour”.

“Shit Phil”, exasperates Goulding, “you should do what I do: ‘go’ before you get up in the morning”.

  

 

The Game Plan

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Clearly in a game of few players, open spaces, Campo playing wing for the opposition, and a Home ref, the call would be to swing the ball out wide to the speedy backs.

Lord only knows what Stand-In Captain Blandie asked of his players, but they clearly didn’t listen to him.

Perhaps he should be using reverse psychology on them, in the group huddle:

“I want you to knock on all the time, pass it to Goulding, kick at every opportunity”.

(This could possibly work for Stand-In Captain Blandie’s revolting players).

  

 

The Match

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Everytime anyone got the ball, if they passed it, it would be knocked on.

It was like watching 2 teams full of Gouldings.

So, basically, it was a scrumfest, with both packs not even bothering to disengage, rather just shuffling as a 16 man fixed unit, between the scrum half and fly half all game.

I think they came up for air (and water) at half time.

The referee didn’t help much either, wanting to tell a story about rugby rules before every scrum. I imagine his young children go to sleep VERY quickly each night.

  

 

The 10 Point Try

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Early on in the match, Sefton were having the majority of the ball and had camped themselves on the Wallasey try line.

There were a lot of scrums, about one for every pass that was made.

A cunning Phil Ingham realises that, if you don’t pass the ball, you get to keep it, and there is no scrum.

So, the very next scrum, with Sefton’s feed, Phil picks the ball up at number 8, holds it on his neck behind his head, and runs over the try line to score.

No one is really impressed, and the Wallasey team gather under the posts to await the conversion.

But, almost quick as a flash, Brendo picks up the stationary ball, palms off the referee, does a deceiving pirouette, and dives over the dead ball, to claim his own 5 pointer!

It’s a Double Try. The ref confirms it with his whistle.

We should never forget this evolutional moment, perhaps Rugby’s biggest second biggest innovation since William Webb Ellis first took the ball in his arms and ran with it. And when Louis Camp-Ball started carrying the ball behind his head.

Now, no team is ‘safe’, with an eight point lead, with the magical Brendo in the opposing side.

  

 

The Equaliser

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Years ago, there was this show, where this guy took it upon himself to take revenge on all the baddies and make sure the goodies get even.

Like a vigilante, making sure justice is done.

Today, it should have been a one sided match, with poor Wallasey out numbered and clearly disliked by the ref.

We were all expecting a big win for the Sefton 3s, by a large margin. A bit like what the 2s are doing, who have been put in the wrong league.

But none of us had considered the Goulding factor.

You may wonder how a team that has 90% of the ball, get awarded 90% of the penalties, and spend 90% of the match camped on the opposition try line, does not win handsomely?

The reason, learned readers, is that Goulding is known as the great equaliser.

For today, Goulding was personally responsible for 90% of the scrums.

How someone can knock on so consistently is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

Does he have a Saturday morning job as a packer at the Lubrication Factory?

Is there something wrong with his eyes? (he thinks Lanky is small, even when he’s close up).

Has he been diagnosed as un ambidextrous?

The answer, one feels, lies entirely in the hands of Goulding himself.

The permanent scrums today, were a blessing to the powerful Wallasey pack, and ensured a good competitive match.

Note that Goulding only equalises games where Sefton have the great advantage.

Perhaps this explains why Goulding is the only Sefton player not to be picked for the 2s yet this season??

  

 

Kicking - General

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For some reason, rugby, at the highest level, is all about kicking, and field position.

Good fly halves only job is to kick the ball, with the strategy relying on opposition mistakes in their own half.

Today, we welcomed the return of Dan Harrington’s brother Euan, and his mate Jake.

Euan, as everyone will well remember from the Christmas friendly against Mossley Hill, has the same looks as Dan, but a different surname. It seems he was part of the more recent Out-Breeding Programme run by the local town council in the very small town of Rugby.

Euan clearly has been watching a lot of of the Autumn Internationals, and sought to kick at every instance.

Regardless of how many extra Sefton backs he had outside him (against the depreciated Wallasey defence), and regardless of the speed and pace at his disposal.

You could call Euan a semi-equaliser.

  

 

Could a T-Rex Play Rugby?

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We’ve all been asking ourselves what it would be like having a T-Rex dinosaur, or a mega shark, playing in your team.

Today, we figured they may not be such an asset.

Those of you who study this great game of rugby, know the reason some players are put on the wing.

The Winger is the last in line. Basically, there is no one outside him to pass to.

So, one of the main qualities a wing requires, is an inability to pass. It is not required.

Today, Dan Harrington showed us masterclass of wing play.

Lots of running about without the ball, feircely determined action avoidance. Theres a reason we only have to wash 13 shirts every game.

Dan did get the ball once though, he’d ventured infield and managed to catch one of Blandie’s blind passes.

Dan has many Sefton players outside him, and only one Wallaseyian in front.

Dan’s brother Euan is right next to Dan, full of pace and willing.

Dan decides to go himself and is easily caught by the Wallasey guy.

It was at this point, we witnessed what it would be like if a T-Rex tried to pass a rugby ball.

Basically, it was embarrassingly pathetic, with the ball just dribbling down in front of Dan, who was left flapping his hands.

The out of depth Dan attempted to extricate himself from his self inflicted hole, with: “If I couldn’t score, I certainly ain’t letting my brother score!”.

You could call Dan a semi-equaliser. It must be in the blood.

So we worked out that a T-Rex wouldn’t be so great, in attack, especially if he was playing with his brother.

We are still in the dark about a mega shark. It could have been pretty good in the deep water that covered the whole pitch today.

  

 

Sefton’s Resident Fox Leaves His Mark

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Some of us, those who go to training, have noticed a rather healthy looking fox lurking around the pitches in the evenings.

Healthy, in that there has been some substantial droppings found around the pitches. Nice firm, pungent dumps, very dark in colour.

Today, perhaps seeing there could be chance for an easy Sefton win, ex-player Tom James has turned up, and put himself on the bench.

Towards the end of the game, Stand-In Captain Blandie is probably getting pissed off with Tom’s constant promise to “turn the game right around” and finally brings him on, at scrum half.

Straight after coming on, Tom slips and falls in some dark, smelly droppings.

Fortunately he was nowhere near the play.

Stand-In Captain Blandie quickly banishes Tom to a distant wing, so no one could smell him (or listen to his constant threats to murder / disembowel / decapitate the opposition with the ferocity and power of his tackling).

  

 

Prognosis

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It was nice to get a win for the 3s today, after struggling for numbers and an inability to tackle in most of our matches.

The Wallasey lads were a good bunch and we look forward to travelling there for the reverse fixture.

(It was very generous of them to provide us with the link to their video of the match – but, let me tell you, the match was still mainly scrum, after scrum, after scrum. It was a very tough vvank).

  

Its been good to see the ex-Captains of Wallasey this week and Moore last week.

They are both not playing (Rob requiring full shoulder reconstruction surgery, and Mikey having a double hernia).

I am getting some good ideas on how I can honourably get out of the game. Step back off the pitch but still be involved.

I’m wondering if “gout” is a respectable career finishing excuse, to swap my boots for some Sketchers?

Temporary Stand-In Captain Blandie showed his beaming smile in the bar:

“Looks like I’ve sorted out your replacement Captain issue. And I’ve got a 100% win record today”.

“Yes”, I muse, “whenever I’ve organised a full team, with subs, without Muirhead, playing at home, against a depleted opposition that haven’t won a game all season, you’ll be there everytime?”.

“Defo!”, responds Blandie, “only when it’s Team Photo Day as well”.

  

In the bar afterwards, a smiling Tom James also approached me:

“Told you I’d turn things right around Campo!!”.

“Yes mate, 360 degrees, we were winning without you, and managed to win with you”.

“Well, you’re just lucky I could fit you in between all the representative games I have to play up north, with the Forces”.

“Yes we are lucky we don’t see you much”, I agreed, “whats that dark smudge on your top lip? Its rather pungent”.

Tom smiles sheepishly, or rather foxily, “Thought I’d leave that on, it being Movember and all”.

 

 

 

******. REVIVED SECTION ******

Seftons Mystery Reporter: "Probing areas that don't like Probes".

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It has been a long while, but I found an anonymous, unsigned, envelope under my door this week.

It appears to be from Sefton's Mystery Reporter!

Note: Sefton's Mystery Reporter does confidential interviews revealing serious stuff, without mentioning the Reporter’s name.

It's like exclusive, but reportedly unconfirmed.

This week the unknown probe-ster seeks to expose the pink bits of none other than the retard Sefton ex-First Team Captain and now Coach, Jamie Luck (“JL”).

  

SMR: cyfarchion i chi Jamie. Or should I call you Mr. Luck?

JL: WTF? Are you having a “bubble bath” ?

SMR: Er, sorry, I thought you were Welsh.

JL: I am, when I wanna be. But I was born born within hearing of Bow Bells, now that Wales haven’t won a game of rugby for nearly 2 years.

SMR: Ok, perhaps that would explain your recent discovery of the world famous poet, Dylan Thomas?

JL: Our Dylan? I’ve known about him for months now, even got one of his songs tattooed on my chest. Plus one of my sons has the same name.

SMR: One of your 5 sons? Each of them tall, well built, handsome and with a full head of hair?

JL: Ah yes. Obviously they all take after my wife. Her jeans are very dominant.

SMR: That’s loyal my friend. Lets talk about your past, you have some Welsh connections?

JL: Yes, Wales, North Wales really, Caernarfon. More South Liverpool. No valleys there.

SMR: Ok, but your school was impressive.

JL: Everyone of those boys in my school went on to represent Wales at something. Mainly rugby. Except me of course.

SMR: Of course. But didn’t you play squash?

JL: I’ll have you know I was Wales’ third best Junior Male Squash player, in North Wales.

SMR: Cool, I didn’t think they even played squash in Wales. Only rugby. In the early 70s.

JL: Yes, I was very gifted. I was the first player to be paid at Caldy Rugby Club you know. Club Captain.

SMR: Impressive stuff. What kind of renumeration would that have been?

JL: Jelly eels. Bloody beautiful. If we ever won, they’d give me a rabbit.

SMR: Certainly the celebrity down there, where did you progress from Caldy?

JL: I went up straight to Sefton – it’s a huge step up, on the map.

SMR: Indeed, North is generally ‘up’. You eventually made it to Club Captain there too, introducing the awesome Campo to the Club?

JL: Ah yes, one of my most famous signings. A lot of people haven’t forgotten that.

SMR: Amazingly, you never got a red card when playing?

JL: That’s right. No red cards for me. Lots of yellow cards, but never a red.

SMR: A true professional. We all know you can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter. Once you prematurely ended your “glittering” rugby playing career, you stepped up to Mens Rugby Coaching

JL: Yes, I’ve been doing that for a number of years at Sefton. I have steered the 1s to their comfort zone, with a strategic relegation.

SMR: So I see. Mid table comfort. What legacy do you see yourself leaving the Club?

JL: Well, besides Campo, I would like to think I’ve installed the basic fundamentals at the Club, the boys know how to do an Auckland Grid now. Steve Kidd has learnt how to run backwards now, so he doesn’t knock on. Some of the 3s players can pass the ball backwards as well. Plus I feel that I’ve brought some young talent though, with Brendo’s debut a few years ago in the First Team.

SMR: Ah yes, the 3s Brendo. That probably didn’t really go according to expectations.

JL: Listen, we were in a precarious position, close to being promoted. Ruthless decisions had to be made.

SMR: Ruthless yes. So what about Jamie, the man? Is there a life outside rugby?

JL: Oh definitely. I’m a founding member of the Easy Riders Cycle Club.

SMR: Well, that sounds like a healthy pursuit, although serious cycling can be very time consuming.

JL: Very. It is also a very costly and dangerous sport. Some evenings I’ll come home covered in cuts and blood.

SMR: And yet I understand you don’t travel very far?

JL: No, we are limited by the slowest of the herd. You probably know Brian Gardner.

SMR: Ah yes, slow down for Blobby.

JL: He did challenge for the alpha role in the group. I saw him off quick smart. All cycling is now only in South Liverpool.

SMR: The “alpha role”?

JL: That’s like the leader of the pack. The rest of the Easy Riders subserviently fall in behind.

SMR: The guy at the front? Isn’t that like the wind breaker? Shouldn’t that be the guy with the biggest arse, for the other to get in his ample slipstream?

JL: No, no. The guy at the front is like the Captain. He decides where the group go, and at what pace.

SMR: And so of course, he would be first to the bar then?

JL: Errr, Yes. You do have a point there. I shall have to consider my alpha status now….

SMR: Ok, its been enlightening. Our readers will wish you well Jamie.

JL: Thanks, where’s that beer you promised me?