Sefton RUFC

The Numbers

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Today, the 1s were away at Leigh and the 2s had a top of the table clash with New Brighton.

And the Sefton 3s were away at Birkenhead Park 4s *, which is not a very happy hunting ground for us.

Looking back at the official records (3rd Team Match Reports), it was 8 years since we won at Birkenhead Park.

Most of us recall last season’s match here, “as we came over the car park and saw them, in their warm up, covering the horizon. There were fousands of ‘em”.

Even in our home game earlier this season, Birkenhead had managed to bring 5 or 6 players that appeared to be unsuited to the lowest league of rugby.

Today though, we were heartened to know that BOTH Birkenhead Park 1s and 2s had a game this arvo.

Anyway, for a rare occurrence, with all 3 Sefton teams playing today, we had a full complement of substitutes.

 

* Birkenhead Park 4s: “but haven’t they only got 3 teams?”, I hear you ask. Yes, Birkenhead only have a First, Second and Fourth Team. No one knows how this has happened, perhaps it is just to emphasise the skills gap between their 2s and 4s.

  

  

In the Presence of Greatness

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Today, Sefton were blessed with the services of the Club President, “El Chapo” Gardiner.

This was such an honour, and the fact that it was an away game, another very rare occurrence.

I think what swayed it for Brian, was Muirhead promising Mandy that he’d look after Brian on the train.

Muirhead christened himself a “Train Wanker” for the day. Its nice to use different prefixes sometimes.

The 50 year old Brian and 40 year old (very tough paper round AND slept quite a number of years) Salad shared the hooking roll today.

The Reverend also turned up today. Meekly of course. Full of remorse and seeking forgiveness for not giving his best to Sefton last week. Said he’d only cycled 60 miles this morning.

  

  

The Warm Up

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In the changies, it was mainly introductions to the new lads that had miraculously turned up at Sefton Training this week.

Fortunately everyone had brought their own shorts today, and it was only new boy, Brighton Louis (aka Sefton Louis v1.5), who needed some socks, with non playing Campo generously making his one contribution of the day.

 

We were kicking off at 12:30 today (yes!! 12:30 in the morning – can you believe that!!), due to the fixture congestion at Birkenhead.

All week, the lads had been reminded of this ungodly hour, with daily checks and prompts to set alarms and wear your rugby kit to bed on Friday night.

So, at 12 noon today, we have Ben Webster texting us, “sorry lads, will be a little late, just realised it was an early start”.

That Ben clearly has his mind on other things.

Unhealthy things. (The sooner we get Ben Junior on the 3s WhatsApp Group, the better!).

 

Blandie is also going to be late, with a leak at home that not even a Sefton sock can’t soak up.

He is not trusting enough to leave the plumber alone with his wife.

Again.

  

  

Picking Daisies and Building Sandcastles

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With Campo out of action, nursing a very poorly calf (you shag ONE cow….), there is a noticeable hole at the back of the team.

Now fullback is perhaps the most important position on the field. Much more specialist than second row.

The man at fullback has to be an expert reader of the game, who can determine the opposition strategy and pre-empt their kicking tactics.

A man that can fearlessly tackle players that his 14 team mates before him can’t tackle.

A man who can CATCH.

Today, we had to play Goulding at fullback.

(ok, Goulding works on a building site, so he is pretty handy with a bucket and spade. The thinking was that he’d be ok at making sandcastles to fortify Sefton’s defence).

((With the state of Birkenhead Park second pitch today: flat solid mud, there was absolutely no chance of the fullback and wingers sitting around making daisy chains)).

  

  

The Cuddle

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Just before kick up, the lads form a circle and link up.

Blandie is not there to give his customary pre game speech (“These boys fucked us 100-0 last time”).

Campo takes it upon himself to mentally prepare the lads (“we have to start Brendo at 9, and Goulding at 15. I’m sorry”).

 

   

The Turning Point

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For a good period, the game was quite even, with Birkenhead scoring first and leading for a lot of the first half.

Some might say the game changed after the earth quake, when the big Birkenhead winger went down and had to be forklifted off. And one or 2 others joined him with injuries on the sideline.

Muirhead reckons it was after a gallant prolonged period of stout defence on Sefton’s tryline, with Blandie’s “300”, King Leonidas, “no mercy” speech.

 

But at one point, the game tipped into Sefton’s favour, and we started running away with it.

Compassionate Campo, forever thinking of the betterment and progression of rugby, is on the sidelines, shouting, “C’mon Blandie, take it easy, forget about last season when they used their whole 2nd team as subs and battered us but wouldn’t give us any players, lets make it even!!”.

His please fell on deaf ears.

  

Special mention and thanks to Darrell “we only let him play when he brings his 2 sons along” Smith, who went to Birkenhead’s aid. I think he did most of their ball carrying (and crossing).

  

  

The Subs

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With the rare luxury of extra players today, Sefton didn’t know what to do.

Most of the new guys were unknown, but it looks like they’ll be 3s players for a long time….

 

Josh. Amazing. After being thrown in the deep end last week in his first game (at Oswestry), Josh came back for another game!

He is also ever present at training. This Sefton stalwart again played his usual tidy game, and now looks to be the amongst the core of 3rd Team regulars. 

  

Andy. This guy is also really keen. Training all the time. Turned down massive contracts to play at LSH and West Park, just to play for Sefton (for free :-)).

Andy is the first guy on, replacing Darrell “I can only give 100% for 5 minutes” Smith.

Straight away, its obvious that it’s been a few years since Andy’s (alleged) last game.

Expressions such as ‘fish out of water’ and ‘headless chicken’ were muttered on the sideline (you’d have thought his girlfriend would be a touch more loyal?), but it didn’t take long for it all to come back, and soon he was getting positively involved, making crucial tackles and looking like a rugby player. 

Today, Andy managed to get “Sefton 3s Most Enthusiastic and Most Improved Player in One Match” award.

 

Brighton Louie. A long way to travel for this Louis, only to be told he is on the bench.

Was very tolerant until he got on the pitch at half time, and then proceeded to do 80 minutes of tackling in only 40 minutes.

As well, Louie v1.5 showed a likeness for running the ball strongly into the defence. There’s a bit of Mikey Dempsey about him. (like a Mikey v1.2, where they’ve addressed the Memory and Thinking deficiencies).

Anyway, I’m not sure what special sauce they put on their Weetabix down at Brighton, but we could do with some more players from there.

We will do well to keep Louie under the radar at Sefton Selection (will tell him that he doesn’t need to train and only play him at away games).

 

Louis Campbell. Another commanding performance on the sideline from Louis this week.

He turns up in his kit (has he got any other clothes??) and is keen to go.

But as soon as he sees the 20 stone Birkenhead winger, he is instantly hit with a smallpox plague that renders himself unplayable.

100% unplayable, but 100% talkable :-)

  

 

The Tries

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With Campo’s mental inability to see the good in any situation / person, the call was made for Try Scorers to report on their own efforts.

Basically, it was only the guys who can only see the good in themselves that have responded:

 

Goulding: My 1st try was playing fullback started in my own half of the radiated pitch they kicked through and I collected it, ran it back 20 yards chipped over the top (didn't hear the usual Aussie shout of WTF) ran past the entire team collected ball and ran over the try line.

[Editor Campo]: Indeed, this was Goulding’s 15 seconds of fame. For that agonising few moments, he was JPR Goulding. Alas, for the next 12 hours, it was Jay “have I told you about my try” Goulding.

I think what really made it for Goulding, was that he ran STRAIGHT. This is a rare thing for him, he usually veers around in circles. It would be nice if he would talk straight as well.

Goulding: Second try in second half was a simple hands move to witch I looped around sean caught his "level" pass from ten yards out stepped the small quick centre and ran it closer to post so Tom could convert an easy one.

[Editor Campo]: Well described. In true Hamling fashion. Who needs commas and capitals?

 

Brian: Brendo’s try was serviced to him on a Michelin star standard plate. I drew the fullback like a French girl and slipped the ball to the best Ozzy player in the club on a satin pillow.

[Editor Campo]: I am still waiting to see Brian’s drawing of a French girl playing fullback, and Brendo can keep his title of “Best Aussie on a Satin Pillow”. (doesn’t satin stain badly?).

 

Muirhead: I got 2 tries yesterday. It should have been 3 if Brendo didn’t try to throw a forward Aussie rules style pass to me. However, I was more than pleased with tackling the Fat guy who had about 50KG’s on me. As I held on to his ankles, my head was pressed against the barren wasteland turf that is Birkenhead Park rugby club. I felt the tectonic plates vibrate as he fell face first into the ground. However, I was more shocked at hearing Campo declare and shout, maybe with a hint of pride “Well done Sean”!!!

[Editor Campo]: Yes, yes. A moment of weakness I admit. Muirhead senior (that man has a lot to answer for!) was on the touchline. I thought I’d give him something different to the repetitive, “Jesus, Muirhead!”.

 

Ben Webster: I scored 1 phil passed me it outside the 22 i stepped one shrugged another off and then ran through the little fella hahahaa

[Editor Campo]: Last minute of the game, Birkenhead had given up. Ben has only just turned up.

 

Darrell: Our Ben and G is not on here (WhatsApp group). G said he set up loads of tries and is the Mo Salah of Sefton. Ben scored 2. The first one was cos everyone was putting their hearing aids in to here Sir say the ball is out and he took 4 steps, picked the ball up and jogged 80 mins past the walking rugby and scored

The second was another 80 metre jog with jug avoidance as he tried to pass to El Presidente.. who was walking too slowly so after 5 mins put the ball down

The third did not happen as he refused to embarrass his dad for Park and dropped the ball rather than run over him and made some hamstring excuse and went off.

 

Well, there you have it. And you wonder why I can’t let anyone else write the Match Report.

There were more tries I guess.

  

  

Injuries

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Besides Darrell “I can’t tell you exactly what it is, but I just need to come off for a while” Smith’s regular walkoff, The Reverend Stevie had to come off with a bad calf.

Now I’m no physiotherapist, or muscle scientist, but I do know when I come back after a hard cycle to the corner shop, that my calves are always screaming.

One day, we are all praying, Stevie will see the light. 

Louis’ terminal bubonic dengue was instantly cured when the massive Birkenhead Park winger went off.

 

Alas, Campo’s non cycling related calf injury will take another few weeks. (Fortunately, you don’t need calves to ski, just kahooners).

 

   

Post Match

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In the changies afterwards, Brighton Louie peeled off the green Sefton socks and tried to put them in his bag.

“No, no!”, screams Campo, “You played so beautifully today, no need to wash them. I’ll take them”.

I asked Blandie why wouldn’t he listen to my pleas for Birkenhead clemency.

He shrugged, and said, “I can’t hear a thing with this damn scrum cap on!”.

Brian had his camera out and was busy taking nonconsensual snaps.

 

We heard the 2s had had put 81 points on against New Brighton. Convalescing Campo was left to wonder, “our 3s but 71 past Birkenhead Park, just what could the score have been if I’d’ve played??”.

 

All in all, a pretty good day, I’m off to see Blandie about what I can do with those wonderfully worn and warm green socks.