Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

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There was an air of despondency leading up to this game, with the 1s never really announcing a full 18 players, and the 2s not even bothering to name a side!

Nonetheless, the 3s teamsheet looked pretty healthy on Saturday morning….

  

The Good News

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Eureka! We have finally found it!!

After years, decades, of searching, we finally found something that Blandie actually brings to Sefton.

A positive contribution.

Last week, without any prompting, he took the water bottles home and washed them.

Fair enough that it was obvious to they’d never been washed before, but they were brought back today, all shiny and new.

Blandie’s smile was very much the same, a “this-HAS-to-be-the-Man-of-the-Match” smile.

  

Raped and Pillaged

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The 2s were also playing at home today, and, prior to the game, they had a field day!

Real Captain JP and Lipstick Captain sHamling hadn’t even bothered trying to get a 2s side together, they just took the 3s players as they turned up to club today.

You can imagine sHamling’s smile when Blandie walked into the Club: “Give us them waterbottles bitch!”.

The aftermath resulted in only about 10 players in the 3s changies (including Blandie).

  

McCleary’s Match Preparation

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You know we are desperate when we have to ask McCleary to play.

But, in true McCleary fashion, he did prepare well.

Last night (Friday night), it was Kev’s Surprise 40^th Party at the Club.

This is tailor made for Bartender Chris, with his strict “you gotta drink your mistakes” ethic.

At 4am this morning, Chris stopped making mistakes, and managed a few hours sleep in his secret Sefton bunk, emerging bleary eyed for the game today. sHamling didn’t even bother looking at him.

  

The Numbers

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Just before we kicked off, with 9 good men, we looked over at the 2s game, they had 2 subs sitting on the bench!!

This was too much for 3s Captain Campo, who stopped the 2s game and shamed sHameling into giving us 2 players.

The bare faced cheek of that upstart.

So now we have 11.

  

The Game Plan

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With Liverpool St Helens having about 18 players at their disposal, the game started with 11 Sefton men against 12 for LSH.

LSH could make a lot of substitutions.

Clearly, Sefton were going to struggle, so time delaying tactics were to be deployed.

First up, we agreed on non contested scrums. Sefton were pretty good at these, and ensured some of the ‘scrums’ went for ages.

Throughout the game, Darrell Smith constantly played for time, feigning injury continually.

Although this brought a fair bit of embarrassment to his fellow players (I mean, he didn’t have to cry that much!), we worked out that we may well have replaced Andy Barnes.

We also ensured LSH scored under the posts, meaning their conversions were booted miles over the posts, which took ages to recover.

   

The Match

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We were very lucky that we were playing at home today.

The rules being, that the home team supplies the rugby balls.

The modern day rugby ball is textured with small raised bits of rubber, to allow for easy grip.

The Sefton 1s and 2s use the modern day rugby ball, and when all the ‘grip’ is worn down, it is handed to the Sefton 3s.

Clearly, at Liverpool St Helens, all players are used to rugby balls with grip, because today, they couldn’t catch a thing!!

Everytime they got the ball, if they passed it, they would knock it on. It was like watching a team of Gouldings.

So, basically, it was a scrumfest, with LSH scoring only when they didn’t pass the ball.

It was scrappy, truly, rugby played at the lowest level.

At this standard, you have to expect the odd mistake from the referee, which did bring forward the odd moan.

At one stage, the ref stopped play with, “if you guys continue to tell me how shit I am, I will tell you how shit you are”.

This brought forth much mirth and merriment, and subtly made it known, just how many leagues there are below us in North West Division 5.

  

The Defence

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A couple of tasty tackles today boys, great to watch.

One that will remain in the ‘bank’ for a while is one where Blandie got doubled over, and was left floundering on the ground, gasping for air.

As well, Darrell took a crushing shoulder charge to his exposed ribs. Another good time waster.

From a Sefton perspective, the new kids, Lewis and Ben did 90% of our tackling, saving many tries.

It is fair to say, that without them, it could have been ugly.

   

Kicking - General

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With Captain Campo wanting to keep his 100% throw-in record intact (1 from 1 lineouts to Sefton), we initially took most of our Penalties as (uncontested) scrums.

Although it was soon pointed out that we only had 5 backs to LSH’s 6.

We got this penalty near the sideline, in our quarter, and Paul Walker (who played well) snatched at the ball and stepped up to take the kick for touch.

Well, at least that’s what we thought his intentions were.

Paul pondered (time wasted) a while before awkwardly stepping up to the mark. It was like he wasn’t sure which foot to use.

Eventually he decides on his left, and punts the ball infield to the gleefully awaiting LSH fullback.

We figure it could well have been half a century since Paul last took a kick.

  

Injuries

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When you’ve only 11 players, this isn’t a place for the feint hearted.

Today we witnessed the return of Paddy Walsh.

After 7 years in the wilderness, you’d think he’d have a better beard, but it was good that he helped with the numbers.

It was a struggle for Paddy today, but he did do a fair bit in the 5 minutes before he had to go off with a hurty ankle.

I swear, the shame Paddy has brought upon the Walsh family name, it’s no wonder his mother changed her surname.

  

Sefton’s Man of Glass

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Even with the 3 Stooges playing in the 2s today, we still get Calamity Jo influencing our game.

With the 2s easily up 47-0, Jo decides to play his usual “ring the air ambulance immediately, I’m close to death (again)” act.

He sprints to the sideline, leaving the poor 2s with only 14 men now.

This was too much for 2s Captain sHameling, who stopped the 3s game and shamed us into giving him Paul Walker.

Without Paddy, we are now down to 9.

But is 9 good men.

 

Last Try Wins

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Another unwritten rule, at the lower end of the rugby standard, is that whoever scores the last try, wins the game.

This has been adopted from the neverending backyard games played amoungst your mates, and your mum has called you in for dinner. A fair manner to end the game in good spirits.

Sefton, to be fair, were never in the game today, and the ref was constantly asking if we’d like him to stop the game early.

The honourable Captain Campo was stubborn though, determined to at least make those damned LSH players raise a sweat: “Let’s allow each one of them to score a try first sir”.

Finally, the call for ‘last play’ was made, and the shout of “next try wins” went about the Sefton faithful.

LSH had the ball, making solid ground with their new pick-and-go tactic, but then made a disasterous decision to pass the ball out the backs.

And there is our Lewis. Who has waited all game for this.

He plucks the ‘rainbow’ ball out of the air, and sprints the 85 yards to the tryline, to win the game, much to LSH’s bewilderment!

 

All That Glitters is Not Goulding

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Goulding had arranged for his dad and his daughter to come down and watch him today.

The feint hearted Goulding had seen what was going on with the 2s pillaging, he’d seen the calibre of the opposition, and promply declared himself unfit for action.

Although this raised team morale, we could really have done with the way he speaks highly of himself on the pitch, and were left wondering how much different the game could have been, had he been involved.

 

Sefton’s Men of the Match

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Lughaidh (pronounced Lewis) and young Ben (pronounced Ben) were clear standouts today.

Always a threat with the ball, it was their tireless, flawless and fearless defence that was amazing!

These 2 guys, given time, are destined for greater things.

I’m just hoping none of the 2s poachers are reading this, and I will speak of Lewis and Ben's shitness at Selection on Tuesday night.

 

Prognosis

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Initially, the game was pretty serious, but, once the result was clear (well into the second half, once LSH stopped knocking on), things were evened up with a number of LSH guys donning Sefton shirts to play against their mates (although some of the hits weren’t so matey).

Big thanks to the 11 Sefton guys for sticking it out though, we can only get stronger from this.

The time wasting tactic really paid off today, even though the referee blew the game up after only about 60 minutes (commenting, “you can only flog a dead horse so much”), there probably was only about 20 minutes of “ball in play”.

 

Appendix - 2s Update

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Once again the 2s continued on their charge for promotion, with poor West Park blown away today.

I’m not really sure how to take the announcement of the 2s Player of the Match though.

In true ArronGoreian fashion, it seems that Captain sHamling had given Captain sHamling the Player of the Match Award!!

The bare faced cheek of that upstart.