Sefton RUFC

The Numbers

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With no 1s game this week, we thought we’d be having to turn players away, but, the Saturday morning reality team ended up with 18 good men, prepared to play away.

18th man was the new boy, Sexy Josh (don’t ask me, ask Ben Webster), who’d played a few games for Sefton as a kid.

  

 

The Wailing Wall

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We had to do without the Mullet this week.

We’d all been looking forward to seeing him play, now that he is a man.

But unfortunately, he wasn’t allowed out to play.

 

As for Sefton’s illustrious President, Brian, who’d made himself available early in the week.

A bit of a learning experience for the newly middle aged messiah:

“Sefton play AWAY games as well?”.

“Yes mate, like every second game”, explains a weary Campo, “We are at Oswestry this week”.

“Wales???!!!”, splutters Brian, “I’ll only come along if I can bring my long bow”.

So now we are down to 1 sub, new boy Sexy Josh.

 

  

Pre-Match

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A long journey for the 3s today, to deepest, darkest Wales. The long flat valleys of Oswestry, home of a once proud Rugby nation.

We need to set off around lunch time. Fortunately, Everton are playing at home at lunchtime so we don’t have any extra traffic to worry about.

This good news is doubled, when we realise that Muirhead is a Evertonian season ticket holder.

 

In Campo’s car, is Goulding, Blandie, and winger-come-centre, Tom Donnelly.

We discuss the huge demands that we’ve placed on Brendo’s broad shoulder recently, what with his new found responsibilities at the bar, the filling of the water bottles, the overseeing of the young girls team, and being our main (number 2) jumper in the lineout.

“We can’t let Brendo be 9 anymore, its just not feasible,” moans Blandie, “we’re asking too much already”.

“Well, perhaps I could be 9 today Matt – I do owe it to you”, offers Campo.

“No, I reckon that I can fill Brendo’s shoes, and Tom can play 10 today”, explains Blandie. “Brendo can play 7, and still jump”.

The rest of us shake our heads in bewilderment, “just how is it, that Blandie hasn’t risen above his status of a Junior School Primary Teacher?”, we muse, “the man is a genius”.

Tom pipes up, “but I’ve never played 10 before, I have seen them on the telly though, don’t they just kick?”.

Campo is concerned about the tiny ‘kicking’ seed that may have been planted in Tom’s head. “er, yeah, some 10s have kicked in the past, and you can too, if you must. But you know a kick is only as good as it’s chasers”.

“Don’t you worry about it, I’ll tell you what to do”, comforts Blandie.

The rest of the 90 minute journey is spent discussing the individual virtues of our teammates, and the commitment of the Sefton Club President.

Campo’s anxiety and toubled imagination takes over.

 

  

The Warm Up

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We arrive in good time, the weather is perfect for rugby today and there is a good feeling in the changies. Matty Williams came in his shorts.

Ben Webster also has a learning experience. It would seem that Tiger Balm doesn’t make for good lube. I swear that boy is showing some progression.

Campo has taken Brendo aside and explained his promotion.

As usual, the Sefton backs, under Blandie’s expert tutalige, are shown the complex moves of ‘block’ and ‘scissors’.

“This will be the difference today”, explains Blandie. Tom has been nodding vaguely, “there’s no kicking involved in those 2 moves….”.

The ref checks our boots and says that the opposition is happy to call the game short if they’re winning 80 nil. We all agree whole heartedly. Ben’s enthusiasm appears somewhat fiery, on the whole.

  

 

The Game Plan

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“Righto boys, you know the script”, recites Campo, “ball in hand is more fun than tackling. So no kicking”.

“They look pretty big, so let’s get it out to our pacy backs, Dan Harrington”.

“When they want to score, make sure its out wide”.

  

 

The Match

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It starts off pretty even, Oswestry do indeed have some larger players, but some of them are older than Campo.

Perhaps it was Oswestry that were worried that Sefton were gunna tonk them 80 nil?

Anyway, the ref is intent on letting us know her full and intricate knowledge of the Rugby Rule book. There are about 5 penalties to Oswestry in the first 10 minutes. No one is sure what any of them are for.

Sefton defend stoutly, and Oswestry eventually knock on.

Scrum to Sefton. We’ve not touched the ball yet, and us outside backs are champing at the bit to get the ball and open up our legs. Campo is really getting worried now, due to the lack of communication in the waiting backline, “surely a perfect time for one of our master moves?”, he thinks.

Sefton win the scrum, Blandie takes 3 steps to rocket a pass to Tom, at 10.

Campo whispers a silent prayer, “Please God…”.

Tom doesn’t hesitate one bit, he hoofs the ball deep down into Oswestry territory.

There’s a howling anguished scream, heard for miles around, the Australian accent easily detected: “WHAT THE FU<!<???!!!”.

The Sefton backs run forward. Campo stands his ground on the wing, awaiting the obvious Oswestry rampaging counter attack.

But wait, has the Oswestry fullback fumbled the ball and is floundering on the ground?

And there’s Tom Donnelly, to swoop up the ball, and pass it to Dan, who scores under the posts.

7 nil to Sefton, and clearly, the WORST possible start to Sefton’s game.

“To score off a kick”, cries Campo, “it can’t get worse than this. All my good work. Booted away. I give up”.

  

Sure enough, Goulding and Matty Williams get in on the act, kicking the ball to their heart’s content.

Tom Donnelly is still doing the penalty kicks for touch, but Goulding and Matty want to score a try as well.

And the WORST thing is, although all the kicking is well short of the mark, Oswestry are making mistakes and handing the ball back to Sefton. They are basically encouraging Sefton to kick more.

   

Amoungst all this crazy stuff, the penalties continue in abundance. Oswestry press the Sefton line for what seems an eternity, until they finally score on the stroke of half time.

We go in at 7 all.

The second half is an improvement on the first, with Sefton perhaps being more disciplined and getting into the lead, 21-14, with 5 minutes to go.

Again, Oswestry are pressing, they try a cross field kick, but to no avail. They monotonously pick and go, hammering the impenetrable Sefton line. It is relentless.

And then they string 2 passes together, and walk over, under the sticks.

The game ends a draw.

Perhaps fittingly.

  

 

Not All Superheroes Wear Capes

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Mikey Dempsey was awesome today. Tackling like a demon.

One cannot determine if he tackles better if he is sober, or when he has the hangover from hell (like last week).

Either way, there will be a few Oswestrians breathing gingerly tomorrow morning, through bruised ribs.

  

  

Not All Disabilities are Visible

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Blandie today showed us some new tricks.

Not just the Back’s moves that we did in the warm up, but didn’t do in the game.

He demonstrated his unique and inventive, “Tortoise” move.

Not to be outdone by Campo’s “Air Tackle”, Blandie must have picked this up while watching a David Attenborough documentary.

The “Tortoise”, it seems, involves lying on your back, and waving your hands and feet pathetically in the air, appearing utterly helpless.

It was put to great effect when Sefton had the scrum feeds, with the ball coming out through the 8’s feet, to roll past the floundering Blandie.

Unfortunately, the Oswestry 9 was not detracted, and gleefully picked up the Sefton ball.

  

  

If Only We Prepared Better…

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Alas, we didn’t win today.

Obviously some of us learnt from our hammering at Southport the other week, running the 5k Park Run in the morning before walking 2 miles to Sefton is not the best preparation.

But today, when really there was literally nothing between the 2 teams, we need to ask ourselves, “did I do everything I could to give my best for Sefton today?”. “Did I fully utilise God’s gifts, that he’s given us, for the good of my Sefton brother?”.

When we joined hands before the game, and praised the Lord, for this wonderful game that we could showcase to our family and bretheren, did we honestly think, “that 80 mile bicycle trip to Oswestry is the perfect warm up”???

  

 

What a Difference a Tee Makes

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It only seems like the last Match Report that Sefton scored 3 tries and drew 15 all.

3 tries, all under the posts, with NO successful conversion.

But this week, its 3 tries, all under the posts, with 3 successful conversions.

The difference you ask?

No Steve Alcock.

And Sefton’s new goldenboy can do no wrong: “I’ve seen them 10’s use a kicking tee on the telly”, says a beaming Tom.

  

 

Sefton’s Man of the Match

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I’ve been saying it for a few years now, Dan Harrington is not right for the 2s.

And today, he proved he is perfect for the 3s.

Where else can a poor, orphaned, McDonald working student get a meal and all the ale you can drink for free?

Dan was a worthy recipient of the inaugural “Lynx Shower Gel and Deodorant” Man of the Match Award, formally presented in the showers after the match.

His attempt to down a Mars Bar and a pint was shamefully pathetic, but his pace is at the other end of his body.

He should be the 3s Captain.

 

  

Another New Beginning?

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Retiring Captain Campo has had enough.

Today’s successful kicking was the final straw.

He is giving into Blandie’s constant advice, “you should do this”, “I am not having that”.

Blandie is the future.

Today he brought along a clinky bag, stating his intent.

It is even better than Lanky’s blue clinky bag, because Blandie’s is green. Environmentally friendly.

Blandie’s green clinky bag also caters for today’s modern man. He packed 2 little bottles of Baby Sham, for today's snowflakes.

Tom Donnelly grudgingly accepted one even without a champagne flute, and Ben Webster drank straight from the bottle with his little finger sticking out. I’ve always said that boy has class.

  

 

Goulding – a Class Above

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Talking about class, Goulding is out there on his own.

Suspended, or, more likely, expelled.

In the welcoming Oswestrian bar after the match, Campo had managed to corner the referee to discuss the variables involved in lowest grade rugby. It’s a pretty serious chat.

Goulding swerves his way into the lady’s eyeline, to nonchalantly ask, “do you know the ‘safe’ word?”.

She nods vaguely.

“It’s Catchy”, I explain, “he has that effect”.

  

 

Prognosis

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Sadly, we couldn’t stick to our usual game plan – if only we’d made them score out wide…

And actually, it wasn’t a bad idea playing Tom at 10 today.

You could tell that he really enjoys 10, not having to shower after the game, maybe just wiping a bit of mud off his kicking right boot. We may have to let him play there again I guess.

Blandie couldn’t hide his smugness. “What did I say? What did I say??” he gloats.

We don’t know what he said, and nod vaguely.

“and - it’s ‘The Turtle’, not ‘Tortoise’, and it will work one day, believe me”.