Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

-----------------

Brendo has finally moved into his new house, after finally accruing enough for a deposit and another trip to his native Aus, courtesy of the many years he’d spent at Sefton’s Magic Bar.

He’d asked Campo over to change an electrical plug and give him a lift to Sefton: “Sefton Scrum Half isn’t gunna play by itself you know”.

Campo also gifted Brendo a pack of Corona.

It is only later, in the changies, that we find out Brendo did a year’s apprenticeship as a sparkie, “but that didn’t work out well because I’m colourblind”.

A few of the players look at Campo and wonder of his self respect and personal pride.

 

   

The Numbers

------------------

Good numbers again this week. Enough to lend some to the aging and slow travelling Northwichians.

Campo generously offers his services and manages to lower the average age in both teams.

Astutely, Campo has chosen to play on the big pitch at Sefton, thinking the wide open spaces would benefit Sefton’s pace and agility. A smaller pitch would only suit Northwich’s slower but heavier pack.

Blandie starts moaning. He is like Northwich’s pack.

Anyway, there’s a crowd gathering…

  

 

The Warm Up

------------------

Most of us went through the motions, practicing saying: “Set, lift”, and all that stuff.

(We will have to find a warm up exercise for Campo’s nose).

Everyone got involved.

Except for Brian and Muirhead of course, who talk together while watching.

Brian is above all that common stuff. His new body doesn’t need to be warmed or stretched, you can buy an injection for that.

Muirhead, as we know, doesn’t start warming up until the kick off.

He’ll make himself available about 15 minutes into the game.

Fortunately today, we aren’t short in numbers.

  

 

The Game Plan

------------------

Pretty simple: Lets have an open game.

Make them score out wide, and we’ll score under the posts.

It’ll come down to the try conversions.

  

 

The Match

------------------

Funnily enough, it was a game of 2 halves.

No, not 9 Brendo and 10 Blandie, but 2 completely different games of 30 minutes.

(Northwich only wanted a short game because they were so old and slow).

 

The first half was amazing.

Each team were only allowed 1 phase. Then they had to turn the ball over to the other team.

I’m not sure who agreed on this, but it was closely uncontested and meant it was 5 all at half time.

Sefton had stuck to their game plan, with the sole try coming from the well warmed up Muirhead.

He’d scored under the posts. More on that later.

 

The second half was much better, it was like both Captains had told their players to ruck, and protect the ball.

(NB. Blandie was Sefton’s on-field, lipstick Captain, with Campo playing for Northwich).

There was some good rugby this half, closely contested with 2 tries each.

Sefton had stuck to their game plan, with both their tries being scored under the posts.

  

  

Kicking - Conversions

-------------

I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, all 3 Sefton tries were scored under the posts. But the final score was 15 all??”.

Indeed, it is a head scratcher.

For so many years, we’ve all been listening to Steve Alcock telling us what he’s done, and what he can do.

We have all been going around wondering, “just what can’t Steve Alcock do??”.

Well, today we learnt what Steve Alcock can’t do.

Steve Alcock can’t kick for shit.

3 attempts at conversion.

All from directly in front (Muirhead is a detail type of guy. More on that later).

All missed by a country mile.

In years to come, when we talk of Steve Alcock, we won’t be talking of the way he can bounce defenders off, or tackle with only 1 arm, or how he picked up little Ben Webster and put him on his head.

No, Steve Alcock’s “shagged sheep” is gunna be his 3 missed conversions from in front, that probably cost Sefton 3s the title in 2024-25.

  

 

There’s no such thing as a bad child…

-------------

Ok, you may ask, “Just who would allow someone who can’t kick a conversion from in front, a second chance?”.

And, the deeper thinkers, “Who would allow someone who can’t kick 2 conversions from in front, a third chance?”.

There is only one answer, alas: Part-time, on-field, lipstick spluttering, Captain Matt Bland.

Really, it’s not Steve Alcock’s fault at all, that poor Sefton were denied a clearly deserving WIN.

No, sorry, the buck stops at the top.

Although one can’t think of any endearing qualities for him, Blandie’s “shagged sheep” will always be his Captain’s decisions.

 

   

Kicking - General

-------------

Awesome day today.

Can only think of 1 kick in general play that Sefton did today.

Granted, it shouldn’t have happened, but Sefton scored a try from the kick. More on that later.

  

 

Kicking - Restarts

-------------

Things must be pretty bad with Sefton’s restarts when Ben Webster comes up to Campo after the game and asks, “Can I do the restarts in the future?”.

“Patience”, says Campo, “next week I’ll be back as Captain. Blandie won’t be allowed to do what he wants then”.

“I’ll probably find someone else to do our conversion kicking as well”.

Beaming Ben lopes away with a big grin, off to tell his baby daughter.

  

 

The Crowd Pleaser

------------------

During the entertaining second half, Northwich had kicked off after one of Sefton’s tries. More on that later.

The ball floats long and deep into the right hand corner (Note to Blandie: That’s how to Restart).

Man of the match, Georgio (the more robust one of the Smith household) patiently waits and watches the ball, and catches it (Note to Goulding: That’s how to Catch).

On the Sefton main pitch, he has lots of open spaces in front of him.

The sprightly Georgio sprints the ball back to the halfway, there’s promise in his run.

Soon he is besides the immovable Brian, who sees the open spaces, and starts shouting, “give it to me, give it to me!!”.

The well mannered Georgio passes to President Brian, who looks up to see the manacing Northwich pack sniff blood, immediately passes the ball back to Georgio, with, “oh shit, here, have it back!!”.

Big Eddie on the sidelines turns to his mate Phil and deeply says, “there’s no wonder Brian can play at his age”.

 

   

Injuries – Part 1

------------------

Not long later, Brian decides to back up Blandie, who has found some space with the ball.

Again, an astute decision, as it only requires an easy jog.

Blandie is racing down the touchline (his words, not mine), drawing the last defender, and hears the call, “give it to me, give it to me!!”.

Blandie, perhaps not wanting to make things too easy for Brian, throws a shocker of a pass, well behind the unstoppable train that is Brian (was there a Tank Engine called Brian? Or was that the Fat Controller?).

Anyway, Brian has to try and stop and twist and turn to try to get the ball, and pulls his hamstring.

What a shame.

Thinking back to before kick off, seeing Brian preferring to talk to Muirhead, rather than warming up with the rest of us, one gets a certain satisfaction in seeing Brian hobble off, clutching his leg.

Old Roddy on the sideline was heard to shout, “that’ll teach you to associate with that Muirhead!”.

But, let’s just hope it’s a 6 day injury.

  

 

The Equaliser

-------------

In most games, we see that there is usually one dominant team.

Maybe their Firsts don’t have a game that day, maybe the referee understands which side his bread will be buttered in the clubhouse after the game, maybe they’ve been put into the wrong league (eg, Sefton 2s).

Today, with Northwich 3s struggling for numbers, carrying a bit of weight and, to be honest, a bit long in the tooth, Sefton 3s were looking to bully Northwich off the park.

But it’s a Sefton 3s with James Goulding in the team.

 

James Goulding, upon which the TV Series, “The Equaliser”, was based.

(In a nut shell, our hero goes around negating the bullies).

Goulding was the star today, ensuring there was nothing between the 2 teams.

2 ‘equalising’ knock-ons remain imprinted in the memory…

The first was pretty spectacular, bringing a huge roar from the crowd.

Goulding had managed to hide himself, offside, in the Northwich backline.

Northwich whip the ball out the backs, innocently passing straight into the waiting arms of Goulding, who has turned to face the Sefton tryline.

Goulding can’t contain himself, or the ball.

It is knocked forward, and all hopes of glory is lost.

The second knock on was standard fare. Basically the same as in any Sefton 3s Match Report.

 

  

Tackle of the Season

-----------------

Its not often that we’ve seen anything positive written about Muirhead.

But today, he made his tackle of the season.

It was a fantastic sight, but unfortunately, his good work was soon undone by running with the ball in one hand and easily knocking on.

 

  

Sefton’s Try of the Match

-------------

In the first half, amid all the turnovers, Sefton score a pretty good try.

I recall thinking, “wow – that was pretty good: catching, running, passing, and scoring under the posts”.

Then I remember it was Muirhead that ended up scoring under the posts and my selective memory steps in.

I don’t really want to talk about it, but I can assure you that Muirhead knows the details intricately.

He cornered me twice in the bar afterwards, with his slow, drawn out monotone. (Surely the try didn’t take 6 minutes?).

Anyway, I’m not proud of it, but there’s no shame in being woken up in the corner of the Sefton bar. Twice.

 

Late Addendum:

Muirhead has contacted me, petulantly INSISTING that I write about his try.

I think about that Meatloaf song, “I would do any thing for love…”, and tell Muirhead it ain’t happening.

Muirhead is ADAMANT, he’s sent me a text with the try details and has BEGGED for it to be printed:

 

Muirhead’s Try of the Season

-----------------

It all started with Darrell shouting onto the side lines, “I am fucked I need one of you two to come on”.

(Darrell is the medium robust one of the Smith household).

This allows me to come on.

With a shuffle of positions, the game restarted and in a matter of seconds, there was a down field kick by Ste Alcock towards their try line, which was then kicked back across the pitch back towards the Sefton backline.

This was then controlled by Goulding who proceeded to run towards their gigantic prop and by some miracle, he passed the ball in a switch move opening up a 2 vrs 1, whilst getting sent into the beautiful first team pitch turf.

Louis Roose done a great job of drawing the defender as I held on to the ball to speed over the line in the corner.

Before realising no defender was near me and ran towards the posts to make the conversion easier. Famous last words….

 

Ok, its back to me again. You know I didn’t write that because there was so many questionable things (‘controlled by Goulding’? ‘I held onto the ball’? ‘speed over the line’?).

Anyway, rest assured you’ll never have to read about this kinda thing ever again.

  

 

Testing our Patients

-----------------

Most of us are now pretty immune to Goulding, after years of having to put up with him.

But not so, our meek and mild mannered Daniel Craig.

(no, not THAT Daniel Craig, our Daniel Craig is not as handsome, but one of Liverpool College’s most politest pupils)

Anyway, in the second half, our Daniel was very shaken, and stirred, by the abrasive Goulding.

He clearly was at breaking point, shouting, “Goulding! Do you ever fucking shut up?”.

Both players fronted up to each other, but the situation was quelled fairly quickly before it got uglier.

 

  

Tackle of the Day

-----------------

Can’t let this go by without a mention.

Today’s massive crowd (they were in their 10s) were treated to the sweetestly timed tackle you could see.

Unfortunately, it was poor Sefton’s Salad that was on the receiving end.

A lovely, no arms shoulder charge from Northwich’s largest player, directly into Salad’s bread basket.

You gotta picture those Gladiator games where 2 people each waddle around in a massive blow up plastic bubble.

Poor Salad went flying, but was lucky he has his own built-in soft landing.

He’s gunna feel that tomorrow.

  

  

Abscess makes the heart grow fonder

-----------------

Everyone has probably been wondering why there hasn’t been a Setfon 3s Match Report for so long.

One word.

Brendo.

Today he is back, after a month or so in Australia, bludging off his oldies.

Sefton’s anonymous Match Reporter breathed a sigh of relief: Brendo is NEWS.

 

N1. Sefton were relentlessly pounding on the Northwich line, with constant pick and drives.

The Northwich defence is admirable, nothing is getting past.

Brendo, at 9, is clearly upset by the Muirhead try: “If Muirhead can score….”

He needs to get in on the act.

The ball is at his feet, just inside the ruck.

He picks it up and flays himself at the admirable Northwich defence, throwing the ball at the try line…

Alas, our Ref today thought he was at Twickenham. Even though this is the lowest standard of rugby in the land, he is not allowing this. Scrum to Northwich.

 

N2. Later in the game, Northwich are doing exactly the same to Sefton, relentlessly pounding our line.

But there’s a turnover, and the ball is at Brendo’s feet, just inside the ruck.

He picks it up, waits until the entire Northwich pack have surrounded him, before attempting a clearing kick.

I’m not too sure if anyone has witnessed Brendo trying to kick.

I’m pretty sure there is some Aussie Rules influence there, because you wouldn't get taught that way in this country.

Basically, it involves throwing the ball at your stationary foot, and hoping it bounces away into the opposition half for a 50-20.

From directly under the posts, the ball slowly ricochets off about 4 Northwich players and then into the Sefton in goal.

Had we been at Twickenham, Northwich would have scored before the ball went over the dead ball line.

But Sefton luckily dodged a bullet there.

 

   

Hitting a man when he’s down…

-----------------

I’m not too sure who told him about poor Campo’s attempt to tackle a rampaging Mikey Dempsey with his nose last week, but Brendo thought he could get in the act as well.

Seeing Campo stumbling about blindly, with his 2 black eyes, Brendo seeks out a quiet patch in back play.

He rushes at the unsuspecting Campo, elbows him straight in the nose and meanly asks, “Still wanting to charge me £1.16 for that electrical plug?”.

  

  

Injuries – Part 2

-----------------

Today we had Louis Ibbo playing for us again.

He’s had a couple of games for us, but has never played a full game.

You see, poor Louis is made of glass.

Every time he plays, he gets injured. I swear he’s been talking to that Joe Clarke.

Anyway, we wish Louis a speedie, 6 day, recovery.

  

  

Injuries – Part 3

-----------------

Campo’s nose doesn’t look like it’s gunna improve in the near future, with this being the second week in a row that it’s been flattened.

There was a time a few years ago, when Hamling kept on getting smashed in the nuts.

Campo would do well to seek out Hamling’s secret there. The pain won’t be any worse, but the swelling could be put to good use.

Again, a good 6 days rest will be taken.

  

  

Prognosis

------------------

Well done today gents – we didn’t lose.

In the club house afterwards, Brendo and Campo are approaching the bar.

Campo is hopeful, thinking of the electrical plug, the gifted Corona, the lift to the Club, and the elbow.

Brendo says to the barman, “Just one Carling please, for me. That’s all thanks”.

He then turns and says, “I think you’re going to have to show me how to clean my boots Campo”.

  

  

Sincerely

Sefton 3s anonymous Match Reporter