Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

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There was the usual mayhem in the changies beforehand: AC/DC blaring, jokes and banter flying, calls for tape and Deep Heat, Dobie taping up his ‘To Get’ list, Giz looking for boots, and Blandie calmly sitting there, in his own little bubble, with his silver clippers, trimming his nails, humming some Chopin. He is at peace with himself.

  

The Numbers

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Really struggled today, with Goulding and Campo called up from the 3s for the first time in a few years. 

Both players were hugely responsible for the 2s previously unbeaten season. 

 

Lanky and little Lanky had some weird father-son bonding thing last week, pulling their hamstrings together, and did not even turn up today.

Maybe Lanky was showing little Lanky where he stores the Littlewoods catalogue. (They do a nicely decorated Christmas tree).

 

And what of Brendo this week? Has he left for his annual Aussie holiday to sponge off his family and work on his Canberra tan? He is on radio silence and unfortunately, the Match Report content will suffer…

 

We were treated with the much awaited return of big Joe, who has spent a few months licking his many wounds. (If you were as flexible as Joe, you probably wouldn’t leave home too often either).

Ironically, he looks like he has let himself go a bit, and I noticed few dozen “Big Issue”s in his bag when I was going through the changies early in the game. 

The hope today, was that Joe would be the difference in the scrummaging department. 

 

This tall guy turned up to play fullback: Andy. He was basically an oversized scrum cap and a beard, who spoke very well.

We understand he is supplied by MerseyCare as Hamling’s translator.

  

  

The Warm Up

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Handover Captain Hamling used today to spread his rugby indoctrination. 

Cutting short the warm up, we were huddled together for a 15 minute rambling about how to play.

Hamling would say something, then Andy would enunciate:

“Run forwards, when you have the ball, otherwise, run to our in goal area”.

“Tackle the guy with the ball. Not a Sefton guy”.

“Try to have as many scrums as possible. This is our strength”.

Andy struggled with the translation in regards kicking.

  

 

The Caldy Masterstroke

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The young opposition turned up with a fair looking front row today, and 12 backs.

Seeing the overweightness of all the Sefton forwards, they immediately cried out for uncontested scums, and Sefton went into game thinking they’d won the game already.

  

 

The Game Plan

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No one is exactly sure, but we think Hamling said, “just give it to Giz and make them score out wide”. 

Well, that’s what we did anyway, except Wayne didn’t understand the “making them score out wide” bit.

He was like a man possessed today, seemingly intent on not allowing them to score at all. 

There was one instance where he made 3 try saving tackles in a row (which, in anyone’s book, is a ‘jug’). 

 

  

The Match

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With 12 fast running young backs, Caldy ran riot.

It was only the never say die attitude of the few fast paced Sefton backs that stopped it being a cricket score today (of Ashes proportions).

Full credit to Wayne, Dan, Seb and Andy, who stopped so many runaway tries, holding out till the rest of us got back to the try line to make Caldy score out wide. 

  

 

The Equaliser

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Many of you know of the American movies about The Equalizer (with a ‘z’).

This amazing guy would single handedly turn lost causes into happy endings. (It’s not what you’re thinking though).

Anyway, Sefton has their own Equaliser (with an ‘s’, which stands for Sheep Skinned Shithouse).

Our Denzel Goulding took it upon himself to constantly instruct the referee on the error of his ways, with his superior view from the distant Sefton left wing.

After 30 minutes of continual instruction, the ref awards Goulding a bonus 10 minute period of self reflection on the sidelines.

The bonus though, was for Sefton really.

Caldy were about 30 nil up at this time, and in those 10 silent minutes, Sefton scored their 3 tries and were back in the game. 

Unfortunately, time did not stop, and Goulding had to come back on.

 

   

The Turning Points

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The 19-52 score line probably wasn’t a true reflection of the game, with it being quite a good contest at times. 

If you take out the first, one sided 30 minutes (clearly down to the fact that Sefton didn’t warm up properly), it could possibly have been a draw, if not for a few crucial instances that turned on the knife edge:

 

I1. The 11th minute of Goulding’s Period of Self Reflection.

Alas, poor Goulding will no doubt be forever be considered the difference between the 2s’ last undefeated season and this year’s defeated one. 

 

I2. The “Colin Pascoe” Kick.

In a world that will never forget that “one sheep”, poor Andy will forever be remembered for his dubious effort in the second half.

With Sefton pinning the Caldy team in their own quarter, they hoof it downtown, to be met by the up-till-now reliable Andy on the half way line.

He runs a few steps and then punts the ball straight up in the air.

A few of us wondered if he was any good at his day job (Social Work Translator) while we watched the ball go back over his head, backwards. Clearly he cannot rely on any income from ball kicking.

The gleeful Caldy backs race through and score what was probably the winning try.

 

I3. Dan Harrington’s realisation that the rugby ball is not round.

In virtually the last play of the game, Caldy need to score their last winning try.

They hoof the ball downtown, and it is chased by an isolated Dan Harrington.

Sefton are screaming for Dan to boot it out for the full time whistle, but Dan throws himself at the floundering ball.

He completely misses though, and Caldy easily pick up and score the deciding try.

Dan says, “it was bouncing all funny”.

(FFS Dan, you’re actually from Rugby as well…)

  

I4. Uncontested Scrums. 

This clearly did not suit Sefton at all.

Contested scrums take up so much time. Time we normally spend recovering. Time that would not normally be used for chasing a team of young fast backs.

   

Prognosis

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Some other notable performances today, with Salad treating his clan to a big day out. It was like the Brady Bunch. Without Alice. 

Paddy Walsh dusted off his old boots and actually showed some promise. We’ve let him train with the Under 9s for a few seasons now and some stuff looks to have started to seep in. I think next year they’ll be allowed contact.

And Daniel Craig raised his game as well, getting himself around the park. Amazing what a session at training does.

Overall, a good effort across the board though, Sefton did well not to let their heads drop after Caldy’s initial onslaught, and the second half performance was impressive.

Something tells me that they may have a chance for their first win of the season next week, against Chester 3s….

 

 

Yours,

Stand in Match Reporter Campo