If the saying you learn from your mistakes is true, then we have some geniuses at the club, a gang of Stephen Hawkings, back to the island for them. Sefton bumbled and fumbled, and eventually fought their way to victory in a game that will be remembered more for its epic drama, than quality.
Pre game pt 1
The 'need a home a game' poll option hasn’t been this thoroughly abused since the glory away days of Glossop, Oswestry and the Isle of Man, when half the players had 6pm veterinary appointments, or surprise 80th Birthday parties which required homey exclusiveness. What we in the captaincy business call, Liam Brown syndrome.
Capenhurst isn’t even that far away, maybe Goulding’s powers of seduction are starting to fail him, as a result some Sefton 2xv stalwarts were sent marching. Some understood the issues facing our poor captains, others not so much…...
Pre game pt 2 – Unselected Joe is a hoe
Last seen crawling off the pitch 2 weeks ago towards the comforting hands of Lankys wife, and with 3 forwards in his position ‘needing’ a home game you’d think Joe would be okay with a week in the 3s. Probably being the difference in them winning, everyone would of called him ‘hero joe’, but instead we forget he’s a footballer at least at heart. A brutal smear campaign was conducted; threats of Kev’s shower friendliness being made public were made and bmmf he was back in the team.
Unfortunately, Joe played a blinder and was immense, in every facet, the set piece, the carrying, the extra curriculars. Lord knows what his next demands will be. The inmates are now running the asylum.
Pre game pt 3 – Tomos’ late night trans-action
Who is Welsh Tomos? When was he born? We are unsure, Wales don’t do birth certificates yet, but we believe he was born in the quiet Welsh village of: menyw drawsryweddol. He Graduated in Covid times with a Master’s degree in Sheep shearing but the simple traditional country life wasn’t for him.
The night before our big game Christian Brown, posts a scandalous video of Tomos in a nightclub. I mean it was actually a 10 second video of Tomos standing around minding his own business. I can only imagine this is due to the filth Tomos got up to was unfilmable,
Who is this secret partner, hopefully Christian Brown can fill us in on more details, or should I call him Christina..
The Game
Crosby turned up at distinctively different times, calling each other by numbers instead of names like it was a prisoner of war camp, a cynical man would say that none of these players knew each other and were from different clubs.
A frustrating game in which the referee didn’t stop them blocking the ruck off to stop us from clearing out and playing the nine. Poor Ben Rowlands had a torrid time trying to play rugby, not helped by the fact he is suffering from Benjamin Button syndrome, we currently believe him to be 17, one more year till he’s on Kev’s other radar. However, Sefton did have two moments of brilliance with a breakaway try giving Sefton a 7-point lead, followed by a classic Ste Kidd race away try. Unfortunately Sefton took their foot off the gas.
The following 20 minutes were atrocious, Crosby unable to break our line were gifted penalty after penalty pinning us back in our own 22; they eventually scored in the corner, which was well converted. Shortly after, the same again, though Sefton were agents of their own chaos. Instead of hoofing the ball clear, Big Andy decided to play barbarians rugby on our line, which was easily intercepted to put Sefton behind.
It might be time to discuss Homeless Andy's passing, it’s a lot like Muirhead’s appendage: too big for its own good, and like Muirhead he loves to swing that thing.
The half ends with Sefton pounding their tryline and star of the moment Harry getting splattered off the ball, so off the ball no one really saw what happened, but it was an a player who was constantly starting trouble.
The second half saw a massive improvement in terms of where the game was played, mostly in the opposition 22, however the schoolboy errors were ridiculous. It’s about time to talk about the elephant in the room
Waynes Hands
Wayne Banthorpe, Sefton’s Bonnie Blue. She may call 'having sepecial time' 10 time in 12 hours a world record, but Wayne calls it a dry spell. Do Wayne and his wife ever just cuddle? What we do know about the ginger hulk is he has muscles everywhere including his hands, seriously affecting his dexterity. Watching Wayne try to catch is like watching two incredibly drunk people trying to fight, on a bouncy castle.
Kyle Noons hands
See Wayne's hands.
Another try was scored by Sefton, I put someone through a hole after a long period of sustained pressure, keeping Crosby pegged in the 22 for 20 minutes. It was at this point I was pulled off by Matty Thomas to trans-ition for Tomos. I was expecting furious protestation from my teammates, ‘no not Hamling, anyone but him’ nope, everyone nodded and agreed this was the right move. Traitors.
Well, we might as well get to the most memorable part of this terrible match, the scuffle. Crosby had been goosing for a fight the whole game and were gladly met, a ball thrown in curly Ben's face for no reason begins an all out brawl. The stand out moments were Ben Webster defying gravity with a 4 foot leap onto someone’s back. Joe flattening a ginger kid in front of his parents, clearly taking his sexual frustration for Wayne out on a fellow ginge. Finally, finished off in dazzling form by Gabe one bombing the guy who cheap shotted Harry in the first half.
It was a shame Wayne didn’t join in, he’d been dropping things all afternoon. As a Sefton veteran this was bizarre for me to watch. I’m used to watching Liam Brown punch people and couldn’t help but wonder, why are these Crosby players falling over? Is this meant to happen? Is getting punched meant to hurt? Normally the opposition player considers this a mild inconvenience or even enjoys it.
Despite the moral victory of holding our ground, we were still losing to the bottom of the league team at home with 10 minutes to go. This would be shortly rectified a fumbled back move, ended with Ste Kidd throwing a between the legs pass to Chris Brogden who passed it on to Danny Harrington to score in the corner, Converted by Chris for the 3-point lead.
Man of the match went to Harry Mawdsley for his second 2s game in a row, he’s some sort of flanker/fly-half hybrid with a delicious work rate and handling combination. In the end the catalogue of errors is all washed away in the face of a closely contested game on a Saturday afternoon. Rugby was the winner.
Yours, Princess sHamling.
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