Sefton RUFC

What could go wrong, well quite a lot actually. The third team had Widnes away, and captain Goulding had mustered up 16 glorious players for this short trip down the M62. A sub is like a golden ticket in the third team, what made this phenomenon more wonderful is that Goulding 'the Equalizer' put himself down as the sub. What a superb game it would be.

This disintegrated when Giz wasn't waiting, outside the gates of Sefton. The Fijian was no where to be seen. A quick call to Goulding to get in contact with him, was met with deathly silence. "I don’t have a contact for him, he just turns up", was his eventual reply. My confidence in the new captain starts to waver, the Equalizer would have to play.

We arrive at Widnes, and Sefton are now down to 14, with Johnny Orr not making the game. A strong, unbeaten Widnes team confronted us, and with their second team game cancelled, they had a full compliment, and five subs. It was going to be a long afternoon.

Sefton still had a good team, with strength in the forwards, and pace in the backs. The team felt confident of a good performance, despite Dobie running out in full length stocking. Everyone preteded not to notice the grown man in tights.

A solid warm up prepared the team, though the sight of the ref running along side the backs in their pre-match moves disturbed us. On reflection after the game, maybe he should have slowed down a bit.

The forwards had a few dilemmas to negotiate, including who was going to jump in the lineouts with the absence of Brendo. A few options were available, however, sHamling was too heavy, Lancaster was too slippy, and Dobie does not jump. Eventually Campo was thrust into the pivotal role, indicating to his lifters that he likes to bend into a squat before going up. Sometimes you have to leave them to learn from their own mistakes.

Second row players were also scarce today, and Matt Bland was chucked in there shouting and screaming. He has slipped a long way down from the heady heights of scrum half, it won't be long before he's in the front row. He got a big arm over his shoulder from Dobie, who said "I will look after him, and show him the dark art of second row". They were later seen on the touchline hand in hand, as far away from contact as they could get.

- Assie's can't jump -

The first lineout, and it was time to thrust Sefton’s secret weapon onto the opposition. A front of the line jump was called, and Campo squatted into his starting position....... 

And that's where he stayed, waiting to be elevated into the air, unaware that he has to jump as well. Staying firmly on the ground as big Joe and Matty Williams tried to lift him up. The ball goes sailing over their heads and end up in Lancaster's hands at the back. Miraculously, Sefton win the ball.

The one and only try from Sefton came from Chris Brogden dissecting the Widnes back line and going over under the posts.

More could have been scored if not for some dropped balls, including a break from a Sefton limeout. The ball again goes over the hapless Aussie's head as he tries to get off the ground. Lancaster recovers the ball at the back of the lineout, and beats the scrum half before passing the perfect ball to Ben (3/5) Rowland. The speedy scrum half was five metres out, and should have scored, but was tackled just of the line. As he hit the ground he throws a rocket of a ball, which was impossible for Lancaster to catch, and bounced off his chest.

In the end this didn’t matter, because at this point the referee goes down. He insisted it was just asthma, and he just needed a minute to recover. However, the purple lips, and the clutching of the arm didn't look good. Half time was called early, and he was encouraged to go off.

There was an extended half time whilst they searched for another ref, and in the end I think they dragged someone off the street. With no ref experience, and no whistle, we prepared for a different sort of game.

It was flowing, with no stoppages unless the ball went out of play, or someone scored. It was basically a free for all at the breakdowns, with the team that cheated the most taking the advantage.

- The Latin feel -

Opportunities for Sefton’s backs were limited, but when they did get their hands on the ball it was squandered. A kick by Widnes into space allowed Seb Hannibal to get his hands on the ball, and run it back. However, instead of accelerating around the wing, he nonchalantly danced back and forth trying to avoid defenders. What dance he was performing was unclear, perhaps the Samba, maybe the Cha Cha? Whatever it was, the on rushing defenders did not stop to admire his footwork, and put an end to his dance.

- The 'I have no idea what he's attempting to do' moment -

Goulding, you have to love him, I think his mind was still sitting on the bench. There was clear chances throughout the game, that were thrown away pointlessly, this was comical. With the ball in hand, and an overlap on the outside, Goulding attempts a needles behind the back sideways pass, something even professional rugby players are discouraged to do. The ball doesn't go sideways, instead it is thrown ten metres behind him, everyone stops, unable to believe what they have just witnessed.

- Joe's Kick -

He's obviously seen everyone else do it, maybe watched it in the Premiership, but that is no excuse. The third team do not kick, especially props. To be far it was a pretty good kick, but we must always discourage this reckless behaviour.

- Like taking candy from a baby -

Another clear chance went begging later in the match, with Matty Williams taking the ball ten metres from the oppositions try line. Matty hits the defensive line with his full fury, assisted by a drive from his teammates behind. He just keeps going, the lad is a machine, getting to the line and going over for a glorious t....... "Where's the ball Matty"?

The ball is now half way up the other end of the pitch, as the opposition score their own glorious 100 metre try. The ball was taken from the weak gripped prop just as he was about to put the ball down. He held his head in shame, as his teammates looked on in disdain.

The Game ended cut short with the ref finally having enough of the cheating. The game was good for those who enjoy random bits of agreed violence, not for those who wanted to play rugby.

Ok, the opposition played well, especially in the backs where they created numerous overlaps with the extra man. However, considering Sefton only had 14 players throughout the game, the team played fantastically well. The scrums were solid, and dominated by Sefton, and surprisingly all the lineouts were won despite Campo not getting off the ground. It appears the Aussie approaches lineout jumping, in the same regard as hooking, expecting others to do the hard graft, whilst he just hangs in the air.

Me, and Salad have agreed that the plan was to bypass Campo at the lineout all the time. A well planned diversionary tactic.

Joe Clarke was very pleased with his new second row, claiming Matt Bland pushed well behind him. However, I suspect it was Matty's soft hands between Joe's legs that really sold it to Joe.

 Man of the Match went to the only player who actually played some rugby, Chris Brogden. Another perfect performance by the stand off.

The referee did go to the hospital, and it was confirmed that he did have a heart attack. All of Sefton wish him a speedy recovery.

I'm off now to teach Ben how to pass off the ground. After much discussion, I think he finally understands it was all his fault.

Yours, Lanky.