Sefton RUFC

A feast of tries came in the third teams last game of the season. Captain Goulding didn't have a lack of players to select from this week. If anything, he had too many to choose from, with everyone clamoring for a game. Merseyside Police benefited from this, with having low numbers this week, and relying on a few Sefton players making up their numbers.

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One person who was missing this week, was Campo, who decided to go on a family holiday to Italy during rugby season. It has been reported that he has sprained his ankle whilst walking up Mt. Vesuvius. He is now spending the rest of the week in the bar, whilst his wife and kids go off sightseeing. The lad is a genius.

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The Police turned up with a strong set of forwards, but very little pace in the backs. Sefton had no such problems, with speed throughout the back line. Hence, the captain opted to play on the first team pitch, with the width ideal for how Sefton wanted to play.

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Despite this, the Police had the perfect start, denying Sefton any ball for the first ten minutes. They did this by keeping the ball tight in the forwards, and constantly crashing the ball up. Eventually the line was broken and they were able to go through for the first try.

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This continued at the restart with Sefton still having not touched the ball, and left defending the line. Eventually, the opposition spill the ball, and Sefton quickly shift the ball out wide to Seb Hannibal on the wing. Outpacing his winger and stepping past the fullback, he was able to go through under the posts. This was Sefton's first touch of the ball. Converted by sHamling.

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Recieving from the restart, the ball was again fired out wide. sHamling at stand off quickly distributed it across the back line, and Seb Hannibal was again able to go round to score his second try with only his second touch of the ball.

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Hannibal could have got his third try in as many minutes, if not for Isaac Lancasters decision making. Another quick ball at the restart and Isaac recieves the ball after coming into the line from fullback. With a three on one overlap, he decides to take the defender on himself. He is smashed and loses the ball in the process. There seemed to be something amiss with Isaac.

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The process was easy, get the ball and quickly feed it out to Seb Hannibal and Danny Harrington on the wings. However, there was two main problems. Matt Bland was at scrum-half and the word 'quick' is not in his repertoire. The other obstacle was Goulding in the centres who often struggles with concept of catching and passing. Goulding was an easy problem to solve, either a miss pass straight to the wing, or kick the ball into that area, so the wingers could run onto it. sHamling did this seamlessly, as if he had been puzzling over this dilemma all week. Another try for Hannibal soon proceeded, and a kick over the opposition's defence by sHamling was collected by himself for another easy run under the posts.

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We finally rectify the Bland problem by cutting the link out completely, with the forwards taking the ball themselves rather than waiting for him to eventually arrive. With Blandie still waiting for the 61 bus to drop him off at the base of the ruck, Lanky Snr. picks the ball up and passes it out to Isaac who has clear space on the outside, and a surefire father and son assist/try. However, he is caught by the 60 year old fullback, who trips him up with his zimmer frame, before he gets over the line. Luckily, Dan Harrington is there in support and is able to collect the ball to score a try whilst Isaac untangles himself from the twisted metal frame. We are now very suspicious of Isaac's behaviour.

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The Game steadily runs away from the Police, with Brendo securing all Sefton’s lineouts, and Daniel Craig shooting to kill whenever the opposition tried to throw to Charlie Taylor at the front. Charlie kindly agreed to play for the opposition and has been away for quite a while. We have noticed two things about the returning Charlie. One, he has put considerable beef on, and is now fashioning a slight beer belly. Two, his mullet has gone. We can no longer call him Charlie mullet. I fear that his mullet was the source of all his power, and he is now a mere mortal man.

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A try each for Dan Harrington and Josh Ward completes a good first half for Sefton.

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The second half see’s a change, with Sean Muirhead going to scrum half, and Blandie going to Stand-off. I suspect we are just shifting the problem out a bit. sHamling, has a little sulk when he's taken off, and goes to play for the opposition. It's at this point I realise what a c*** he looks when he tries to do his little goose step.

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I disaster for the Police when one of their best players goes off with a knee injury. It would only go from bad to worse. The pass becomes faster from the base of the ruck, it seems Sean has been practicing his passing, (but not his feed in the scrum). Hannibal completes his four try haul, and Dan Harrington completes his hat-trick of tries.

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A sustained period off pressure makes sure Sefton don't have it all their own way. With several penalties awarded to the Police for continued infringements, mostly by Phil Ingham. Eventually, the ref had enough of Phil lying over the ball, and sent him off for a 10 minute rest. During that time, the Police clawed back two tries.

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Finally, Josh Ward runs in two breakaway tries splitting the centres and racing half the length of the pitch to reach his hat-trick of tries. With 6 conversions for sHamling, 2 conversions for Goulding, and Josh Ward, (someone else got a conversion, but I've conveniently had a memory lose for that one) it was a great day for the backs.

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A solid finish to the end of the season, with the backs taking all the glory, but only because of the work the forwards did. Giz didn't give any penalties away, Matty Williams and Ben 1/5 Webster carried the ball well. Daniel Craig and Harry Gribbin put the majority of the tackles in, and Mark Dobie took some great photos.

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Man of the Match went to Lanky Snr. to the annoyance of Blandie, who believed one of the backs deserved it. He has little knowledge of how Rugby is played. He should know forwards always win the game, the backs decide by how many.

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You will be unsurprised to hear Isaac Lancaster was out the night before, which explained his poor lack of judgement. It was undecided who deserved the pink cowboy hat, it was a close run thing between Isaac and Phil.

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It has generated a lot of discussions within the team. To be honest he has done it to himself, refusing to shower after the game. What is he hiding that he doesn't want us to see? This mystery is just making the team more intrigued. Put us out of our misery, Seb, reveal all.

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Yours, Lanky

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It wouldn't be right not to finish with his thoughts and evaluation of the third teams season. The Sefton Mystery Reporter delves into the mind of their captain, Jay Goulding, and comes up with goo.

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Interview carried out over the phone to keep repoerters identity secret.

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SMR: It's been a tough season for you Jay, with a lot of teams playing ringers against you. What has been the biggest challenge?

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JG: I suppose the biggest challenge for me was convincing the lads that I'm not a feckless idiot.

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SMR: I can see why people would think that.

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JG: Yes, I've worked very hard to create that image, and now I have to change their opinion.

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SMR: It's hard when you're known for one thing. Do you think you've managed it, after all you are known as the Equalizer, that seems like an impossible task.

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JG: I feel I have achieved half the objective, they still think I'm an idiot, but they know I have my uses.

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SMR: Yes, you've certainly kept the team going, pulling players from all over. Despite Kev in the second team taking all your players. Some say you're the saviour of the third team. The best captain the third team have ever had, 

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JG: Yes, the second team captain has taken a lot of my players, and it's hard to shake that losing mentality that Campo previously created.

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SMR: Don't mince your words, the second team captain is just a big ginger t*** isn't he.

You've had to play a number of positions this season, because of a lack of players. How has that gone?

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JG: It's been difficult, I once played eight in a match, and was out for a month after it.

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SMR: Yes, it's hard to avoid contact in that position, but I think you had your best month then, on the sideline, management seems to suite you. Staying on the subs bench, and taking one for the team, that's true commitment.

How do you juggle captaincy with home life, I hear you have a new job?

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JG: Yes, I did have a job closer to home, but the wife didn't like seeing me every day. I now have a job in Scotland and only see her and the kids at the weekend. It seems to work better that way.

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SMR: That is harsh, but I can see why she would be happier now. What are your plans for the future, do you think you will continue captaincy next season?

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JG: I don't know, the lads are keen for me to take it on for another season. If I don't I will lose my power, I will be another nobody, like sHamling, so maybe. I just have to concentrate on the Players Dinner now, tell a few jokes, make them laugh.

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SMR: Good luck with that, they are going to eat you alive.

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JG: Oh, I will be OK, I've been watching Lanky, I have a few charts/photos, it will be great, the crowd will love it.

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SMR: Again, good luck with that. Thanks for talking to us, it has been very insightful.

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JG: We don't have to finish yet, I can tell you about my tries, and my kicks.

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SMR: No!

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We will hopefully see Jay next season, where he will continue his delusion of grandeur.

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The Sefton Mystery Reporter