Sefton RUFC

Sefton 3s   40-19   Capenhurst 2s

Pre-Match

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Some of us old guys can’t remember ever playing Capenhurst at this level before, and it is impressive that they are now putting out 2 teams.

We were looking forward to welcoming back one of Sefton’s ex players, former joint Captain and Player of The Year, Aaron Gore, who is now running things at Capenhurst.
Perhaps the Big Show would be returning one of our missing shirts?

 

  

The Numbers

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With the 2s playing at Crosby today, they took half the 3s players (aka “2s Away” players), and it was a credit to Goulding to get a team out today.

Previous captain would not have bothered, happy to take a loss with only 12 players.

Admittedly, 2 of the 3 subs were injured / not able bodied (Goulding and Dan).

  

 

The Warm Up

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Very intense today.

Non-playing, allegedly injured, Captain Goulding insisted we turn up an hour and a half BEFORE kick off.

So we find ourselves with too much time on our hands, and Blandie is instructed to warm us up.

Blandie has us on the ground, doing these stomach stretches (the irony). The ground is slightly damp.
We are not happy. Louis Campbell is going to have to wash his kit this week.

Lanky worked on his sideways lay downs.

  

 

The Game Plan

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Wannabe Captain Bland gathers the players before the kick off, and points out the imposing size of the Capenhurst pack, and insists that we slow things down.

A few of us look at each other, wondering if Blandie is trying reverse psychology on us.
The rest of the team ignore him.

Actual Captain Goulding said something about not talking to the people on the sideline. And pods.
We think that is some reference to vaping.

Basically, the standard 3s strategy is adapted: Get the ball and don’t pass it. Tackle high, if you can’t avoid it.

  

 

The Match

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The game was played at a pretty quick pace, with lots of breaks from both teams.

The conditions were perfect. Bright sunshine, no wind and a slight sniff of cold beer in the air.

Sefton scored really early, and, of course, sat back and thought , “this will be a doodle”.

Capenhurst hit back with 3 easy tries, mostly from one guy who wreaked havoc across the pitch, leaving Sefton players strewn out in his wake.
One particularly devastating run involved Blandie making 3 separate attempts to tackle him, as he was being impeded by high tackling Sefton defenders.
Blandie, to his credit, did not give up, after his first 2 attempts.

At 7-19 down, under the posts, non-playing, allegedly injured, Captain Goulding delivers his “fight them on the beaches” speech.
He insists this is the turning point of the match.

Coincidentally, at the same time, ex-good-player Liam Brown has managed to shoehorn himself into a pair of U9 children’s shorts and enter the contest.
Everyone, including the unimpressed Capenhurst team, insist that this is the turning point of the match.

 

  

The Jug(s)

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Ex-good-player Liam promptly scored 3 tries and turned the game.
He insists that it was due to his powerful running and devastating lines.

The real reason though, was the super tight U9 children’s shorts *, with some of the players admitting to being uncomfortable in close proximity, some showing a curiosity that questioned their se><uality, and the entire Capenhurst team positively repulsed, and let Liam frolic wherever he wanted.

To his credit, and without a glimmer of shame, Liam brought 3 jugs of beer after the match. (Hopefully no one tells him that 1 beer is more than enough for a hattrick of tries).

* Liam spoke highly of them, “It feels like I’m wearing nothing at all”.
(Action Avoidance Brendo was seen after the game, on his phone, searching for “skin tight little boy’s shorts”, but struggled against the browser Safe Search restrictions).

  

  

A Bit of Salad on the Side

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In this testosterone fuelled sport, where diets focus primarily on protein and building strength, you wonder just where someone called Salad would fit in…..

Well, today, we found out.
Salad was found out. Shirking on the sideline.

Usually, he is nowhere to be seen during the game (rumour has it that he’s played all the 3s games this season!?!), and the number 2 jersey doesn’t need to get laundered.

But today, Salad was in the wrong place at the wrong time, finding himself on the end of a Jay-Evans-5-man-cut-out-pass (from Liam), which SHOULD have gone to the more deserving hands of Campo on the wing.

Salad finds the ball in his generous bread basket and falls over for probably the first try in his very long, tough paper rounded life.

Liam insists that the pass was intentional, unlike any of Jay Evans’ passes.

  

 

Injuries / Darren

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Today we had to put up with Darren for all of 5 minutes before he wanders off, to talk to his fellow old bastards on the sideline.
He doesn’t even bother trying to explain himself. We are down to 14 men.

Paul Murphy comes on though. Sefton are kinda still at a disadvantage, but at least we have 15 men now.

I am not sure if it could be classified as an injury, but Liam ‘suffered’ from a retraction of the testicles, due to the compression shorts he wore today. He spoke very highly of their effect.
Perhaps Liam could get into sumo wrestling???

Unfortunately, the non-playing, allegedly injured, Captain Goulding played for a few minutes today, “testing the waters”.
He’d waited until Sefton were 20 points ahead and poor Capenhurst had thrown in the towel, shouting for the ball and doing some jigging, veering and swerving, before rapidly pulling himself off.

The general consensus among the rest of us is that Goulding cannot play rugby. At least for another 6 weeks.

 

  

The Scrums

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Although Capenhurst had a rather imposing pack, credit to the Sefton front five of Ben, Salad, Matty, Harry and Giz.
I omit referring to the whole Sefton pack, as you could not see Lanky, Brendo, Paul Murphy and the malingerer * Darrell adding any weight.

Sefton won a number of scrums against the head, and the ball was usually out very quickly.
On 2 occasions, scrum half Tom James was still seen to be twirling his moustache at the tunnel, when the ball had exited the Sefton pack, to be eagerly picked up by the Capenhurst 9.

Credit to Capenhurst though, for not looking to go uncontested, even though one of their props went down squealing profusely with a hurty ankle.

* If you look up the word, it says: “Malingering is the fabrication, feigning, or exaggeration of physical or psychological symptoms to avoid work or effort. See Darrell Smith”.

  

 

Sefton’s Tvvat of the Match

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You shag one sheep….

In all the 50 plus years Campo’s played, one can’t recall any mistakes he’s made.

Today, in atrocious conditions, Campo was thrown a Jay-Evans-5-man-cut-out-pass (from Liam) that probably NO one would have normally been even close to touching.

But Campo, who has never given up, miraculously gets to the ball, but unfortunately knocks on.

Against all general consensus, Campo accepts the blame for the knock on.

Afterwards, there was talk of red ribboned, silver plated, ball presentation in front of an open try line, and Campo was forced to wear Lanky’s pink cowgirl hat (from Benidorm I recall), and Ben’s pink training blouse.
He wasn’t allowed Liam’s shorts.

 

  

Prognosis

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Big thanks for Capenhurst 2s today – the game was a very competitive, enjoyable one. I counted only 4 lads with the black and whited hooped Capenhurst socks, so clearly their Captain had done well to assemble a team. A good bunch of lads.

Unfortunately, there was a no show from the Big Show. It is no coincidence that England are also playing today….

Sefton 3s are sitting pretty on the League Table now, in third position. With 3 wins and 3 losses, we have already achieved our objective.

Good news for the 3s (and future opposition), as Liam said, although he enjoyed the freedom of the pitch, he would never come in those shorts again.

Yours,
Campo (T.o.t.M)