Sefton RUFC

Sat 17 Oct 2026, 15:00

Sefton 3rd XV

21 - 23

Moore 2nd XV

Sefton 3rd XV

Moore 2nd XV

Pre-Match
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Today was a special day for the Ingham family, which has Sefton blood coursing through its veins.
With scary Lesbo Dad Ingham whale watching in Norway, it was safe for the Ingham clan to reunite at Sefton, showing that Rugby is more than a way of life.


The Numbers
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Captain Goulding had nothing to do in preparation for this match, and even had the luxury of extra men.
He was even more than happy to give up players to the Second Team, who suffered many late withdrawals when they realised they were playing away, and Lanky was not driving.
The first player he gladly gave up was Jay Hamling, who used to have Sefton blood, but is seeking a transfusion.

The gathering of the wide ranging Inghams made up over a quarter of the Sefton team. With too many to remember, they shall just be referred to as Winger Ingham (clearly the one that was holding the door open when the Ingham Rugby genes were being dished out. He was just there for his looks, from Hull), Flanker Ingham (rugby has made its mark on this old warhorse – someone said he was only 50, but the years have been harsh, and too much time on the bottom of the old style rucks have taken its toll, from that London), and Substitute Ingham (I’d seen this guy play before: awesome. He’s on a much higher level, from around Cheshire way. Goulding decides not to play him in the first half).
And as usual we had Third Team Phil Ingham, whose pace, shall we say, provides solid grounding for the pack.
As an extra bonus we had Lord Lichfield Ingham, clicking away with his non-DBS’d Nikon, and greying Grandad Dave Neary Ingham being restrained by family members on the sidelines. He still wants to tackle everybody.

Of course we had the usual Brady Bunch in attendance, but only Salad plays for them. Clearly he has spent the summer hiding from exercise. He’d been on the fitness protection program. More on him later.

Sefton spirits were bolstered with the knowledge that The Falcon was on the bench today. And he was going to be late.

Poor Moore looked to only have 14 men, so it was advantage Sefton.

The Meet Time
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In an effort to improve punctuation, Fines have been introduced for people who turn up late.
Captain Goulding insisted we all turn up an hour before the game, and he promptly got to the Club at 14:30, leaving us all to wonder, who polices the Police?

The Warm Up
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With so much time before kick off, the Sefton 3s go through all the motions, practicing shouting, “Ready, Set, Lift”, even though we never say that in the game.
The new guy, Winger Ingham, actually had time to drive to Moore’s ground, “just to see if any other idiot went to the wrong ground, maybe wanting a lift”.
Captain Goulding goes through the Team sheet. Some of the players are put in familiar positions. New boy Sam is put to number 9.

The Game Plan
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The legendry Wallabies 1984 Grand Slam winning coach, Alan Jones, used to tell his team, “If you can play better than your opposite number, then collectively, we should win”.
Although Captain Goulding didn’t actually say these words, most of us were thinking of this, as we eyed the Moore team warming up next to us.
Campo, at fullback, was thinking, “mmmm, they are one short, so they’ll have no fullback. I could possibly play better than someone who isn’t there”.
Blandie was thinking, “well, if most of our players are better than Moore’s, I can afford not to be”.
Poor new boy Rob, at prop, was thankful for his old, pre-soiled shorts, when he saw his opposing Prop: The short, muscular bald  guy who had strutted out of the changerooms wearing a Top Hat. He had taken it off and threw it at a nearby tree, and it stuck in the trunk! (I think his nickname is “Nutjob”).

What Goulding did actually say, as usual, was, “We have one more player than them, so they will be short in the backs. Let’s keep it tight in the forwards”.

The Match
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Moore could not suppress their glee, with the game played mainly in the forwards, and were rewarded with an early try from close range. Their goal kicker converted. Then they scored another try and we went into half time 12-0 down.

During both halves, the Sefton lineout was a thing of beauty, with Lanky and Brendo finally finding their own level.
The scrum started well, but soon went uncontested, with Prop Darrell Smith once again crying off.

In the second half, Sefton inflicted prolonged pressure on the Moore line, and Flanker Ingham scored a very selfish try, deciding to take on 4 Moore defenders rather than pass to the unopposed Campo and Louis outside him. (It transpires that this is the first ever try scored by an Ingham: “we’re assisters essentially”).
The conversion, against the howling wind, the obtuse angle and heckling crowd, was successful.

Sefton scored another try, with Paul Murphy bustling his way over in the corner.
Again, the conversion, defying all laws of gravity, sailed through the posts, much to the disappointment of ex-President, non playing, bitter, spectator Brian Gardner.

Then Moore scored and converted.
Then Paul Murphy turned back the clock 25 years, with a burst from halfway, to score under the posts, which was converted, naturally.

With Sefton leading 21-17, there were only a few minutes to go….

Kicking – General
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Another point that was firmly stated by Captain Goulding in his pre-match rant, was: We will NOT be kicking.
To be fair, the Sefton team did what they were told, but, again, in his Dominic Cummings manner, Captain Goulding kicks the ball twice in general play:

The first kick was VERY lucky, but can’t be discussed.
The second kick proved why Sefton do not kick, with the ball sailing straight out, with a Moore lineout from where it was kicked from.

Captain Goulding is without honour. He doesn’t possess a shred of self-respect and has taught himself to play without a backbone.

Kicking for Touch – Penalties
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With non biased home ref, Sefton Chairman McLeery giving Sefton the majority of penalties, we had a lot of kicks for touch.
Unfortunately, it was down to whoever had the ball, to undertake the kicking duties. These included:

New boy Sam: Oh dear. Three words: OMG and WTF. Clearly they don’t play rugby in Bangladesh, let alone kick rugby balls. Admittedly, the ball trickled into touch, from about 5 metres.

Third Team Phil Ingham: 2 kicks from Phil, 1 good, 1 bad. Sefton can’t survive on those stats.

Brendo: 2 kicks, 1 good, and 1 very lucky one, off the knee.

(Everyone must be wondering when Campo will have to step in).

Kicking – Restarts
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Blandie isn’t known for his speed, but somehow he always ends up with the ball after the opposition score.
If there’s one thing the Blandie prides himself on *, its his re-starts.
They do always go 10 metres, but to the left or the right is a mystery. “It’s how I drop it”.

Of the 4 restarts today, 1 of them was probably worth mentioning:
Blandie takes the ball, tries to bounce it on the halfway line, then picks it up. He looks both ways, drops the ball and kicks it to the left, dumbfounding the Sefton and Moore players on his right.
The ball hangs in the air, with the strong wind slowing things down, giving Phil Ingham time to trot 10 metres and catch the ball on the full, take a few more steps and then pass it to Lanky. We made 15 metres and it was a thing of beauty.

* And yes, it is true that that pride is not something one would normally associate with Blandie.

Kicking – Conversions
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Who is the goal kicker - you are all wondering.
Sheer class. 3 difficult successful conversions from 3 attempts.
Its none other than ex-Captain Campo!
Yes, yet another hidden talent he is too modest to reveal, and everyone in Sefton is asking why he has never done the goal kicking before. Campo has always been happy for those less skilful than himself to have a chance.
“Self taught me. Old school. Before they invented the kicking tee”.

Hospital Pass Competition
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Some outstanding contributions here, with Blandie claiming 5 near perfect passes (4 to Goulding, 1 to Campo), allowing the opposition to hit the Sefton player at exactly the same time he receives the Bland pass.

Poor Goulding at inside centre bore the brunt of most of it, and at one stage was down with a head injury. He said he couldn’t even feel Campo’s fingers, let alone how many he had stuck up.

As for the unprotected head of Campo (Blandie had insisted on wearing the head gear today, claiming his head was more important), it may as well have had a red circular target painted on it:
Blandie takes the ball, and takes a few steps sideways, closer to Campo.
The opposition are pressing in.
At the last minute he slowly passes to the now stationary, totally defenceless Campo.
The opposing Moore second rower steams in with a thumping no arms shoulder charge, directly at Campos eyeball, rendering him senseless, or even more senselessnesser.
Blandie stands above the prostrate Campo and says, “that’s us quits now, for you swapping over my left and right sandals last week”.

NB. Unconfirmed reports from the 2s game at Port Sunlight today, with Hamling’s pass to Charlie Renshaw a possible contender for the 2026 Sefton Hospital Pass Trophy (a gold watch with “999” engraved on the back).
Poor Charlie may never play again, even if he ever leaves the hospital.
His mum, Rachael, says her baby is basically just one massive plaster cast, with a bag and tube going in, and another tube and bag coming out. She will just have to switch the bags over, for the rest of her life.

Injuries
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Campo’s eye: There may a chance of it wandering even more, but doctors were adamant that a cast was not required.

Darrell’s wellbeing: The usual with our Darrell: A straight walk off after about 10 minutes, with no apparent injury.
Some of the lads are starting to call Darrell, “The Foreskin”, because he disappears when it gets hard.

Salad’s voluntary sidelining: This also is yet to be diagnosed, and may just have been a walk off for the betterment of the game.
Certainly the penalties to Moore dried up completely.

The Turning Point
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Loath as I am for naming players, special mention must be made of Blandie’s contribution today. Or lack of it.

With Sefton finally getting the lead, mainly due to Campo’s clinical goal kicking, the ref shouts, “last play!”.
Moore get the ball, deep in their own half.
They are on their last legs.
They pass it to their 10, who is still immaculate, as he has done nothing all game, except kick. The Moore 10 is fresh and decides to run. Straight through the Sefton first line of defence.

But the Moore 10 still had to get past the ageing, Cycloptic Campo at fullback, in the distance.
Sefton’s last line of defence (Campo hasn’t had time to build any sandcastles today).

Campo, who had already goal kicked Sefton into it’s winning position, and is usually Sefton’s pig when it comes to commitment, has time to think of Alan Jones’ immortal pre-game speech, about bettering your opposite number.
He also has time to look back on the 14 Sefton players, who had let the (very slow) Moore 10 through.
Specifically, Campo seeks out the Sefton 10, who is ultimately responsible for this scenario, and sees Blandie, walking back to the halfway line, with his right arm snugly tucked into his jersey, keeping it warm (“it’s my re-start arm”), shouting, “do my tackle Campo!”.

Sadly, there was no Sefton fairy tale ending today, with the Moore 10 having about 8 other Moore players in close support, and scoring under the posts.
Luckily it was enough for them, as the conversion was missed, by the tall bald Moore second row, who really needed to tie his clown shoe shoelaces!

Sefton’s Tvvat of the Match
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A few contenders here today. Less so than normal though.

Salad tried his best for this accolade, displaying a huge lack of knowledge of the Rule Changes in the last 20 years.
Diving into the ruck, playing off his feet, not releasing, coming in from the side, holding on: All these new Rules are fairy tales for Sefton’s Rip van Winkle.
Full credit to completely unbiased referee, Sefton Chairman McCleary, who could have sent Salad to the sin bin on many occasions, but wanted to keep the game even.

Goulding also contended with his “do as I say, not as I do” kicking ethic.

And always, we have to tolerate Blandie’s selective captaincy role: “I don’t want to be Captain, but I will speak like one all game”.

Sefton’s Man of the Match
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A blurry visioned Campo was asked to nominate the Man of the Match.
“Give it to that Ingham lad. He was everywhere today”.

Prognosis
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A great day for rugby today.
A special thanks to the Ingham dynasty, for helping out. You all can assist us anytime (except the Winger one, he should stick to his male modelling).

The result, as usual, was not important, Sefton will avoid relegation again, in its continual Groundhog loop stuck in the lowest North West Division 5 West league.

Well done to the Gentlemen of Moore, who never gave up, and we look forward to the reverse fixture at theirs.

Yours, Campo

PS. Don’t worry, I’ll get over Blandie one day. Just gotta let him go…
PPS. I’ll be running some Goal Kicking Sessions throughout the season, during training on Tuesdays.
I expect the First Team kicker (Jaylord Evans?) will need to attend, after costing us them the game today, on the main pitch.