Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match
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With last week’s healthy numbers we were looking forward to another game with substitutes.

With Captain Goulding declaring himself unavailable * the mood in the camp could only be described as joyous.

 

* For Captain Goulding’s 40th birthday, Mrs Goulding ** booked a trip to New Orleans. Goulding turned 40 in January, but has had to work double shifts in Glasgow to save up for the trip.

** No, she’s not his sister, he is actually married!!

 

  

The Wailing Wall
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Crazy scenes leading up to the weekend.

The 3s lose a player to the 2s, and there is NO wailing!! *

Home boy Sean Muirhead gets a call up ** to the 2s.

 

* Note: This Match Report only reports on 3s Wailing, not the 2s Wailing.

** Technically, this is not really a “call up”, it’s more a “ok, seeing that you can only play at home, and the 2s are at home, you can sub for the 2s, but you may not come on”. ***

*** It is not sure if Sean got called on for the 2s for the last 10 minutes today. ****

**** And even more uncertain if Sean had some advice on where to put those 10 minutes.

 

  

The Numbers
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Sadly, Captain Goulding did not have the selection dilemma from last week, and only 4 players had made themselves available.

4 Players!!

Blandie, Campo, Jay Davies and Duncan Falconie.

 

Captain Goulding is at a loss, and could only explain a couple of the lads:

Louis Campbell stated he will never play rugby again if Blandie is playing: “one can only put up with so much bullying”.

sHamefully, one player said that they were too good for the 3s.

“Maybe it’s because we are playing away, most of the 3s only like playing at home (like Paul Murphy)”, muses a totally naive Goulding.

“Or because it’s at Southport (Brendo doesn’t even go that far on his holidays)”, he wonders.

“Or people don’t like reading the truth in the match reports (those Inghams need to have a good look at themselves)”, ponders a flummoxed Goulding, “Or this crazy storm that blew over my wheelie bin”.

 

“No, it’s got nothing to do with any of that”, counters wannabe retiree Campo, and lays it out in the open…..

 

The ‘Availability Poll’ is put out on a Monday, and the players can see who is Available in the list.

For some reason, Matt Bland put himself down as ‘Available’ on Monday, and this was visible to all the 3rd Team players.

Hence, no one wanted to play.

Blandie is basically Sefton’s Bruno Fernandes.

 

Anyway, at 11:30 this morning, Blandie got called up to the 2s, but it was too late to get all the 3s players back.

Captain Goulding honourably took Blandie’s place, even though he doesn’t go to New Orleans until next Friday: “I don’t want to get injured for my holiday you know”. *

So, the dedicated 4 travelled to Southport, to meet up with new boy Bradley (under 7s coach) and mad Mikey Dempsey, who has somehow got some weekend leave, and will play with an ankle tag.

 

* Note that Goulding has NEVER been injured. Both him and Action Avoidance Brendo, are always fit as a fiddler.

  

 

The Warm Up
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It was not a day to warm up outside.

With Storm Boelo in full stride, the 6 of us spent an hour in the warm Southport changies, working out where you really shouldn’t apply Fiery Jaxx Tiger Balm. *

 

Campo looked around the room, wondering just how the hell he got here:

 

Swansea’s Jay Davies had given up trying to learn how to pass a ball, and was now trying to learn how to kick a ball. “Someone should tell this guy that the pitch is bigger than a changing room”, wished Campo, “and just how does a kid get raised in Swansea and have so little rugby knowledge?”

 

Mikey Dempsey had worked out that he had a loose stud in his boot, even though we’d been telling him that for years, and somehow had got his mouth around it to tighten it with his teeth. “We may do ok today, if Mikey can last the distance”, thought Campo.

 

The Falcon spent ages strapping his new Garmin Heart Monitor around his soft torso, confident that it could make a difference. “He really does think this will make him play better”.

 

There’s this new guy that’s turned up today. First game of rugby for him.
“And you’re happy to play away, at Southport?”, we ask him.
“Oh yeah, I don’t mind, it’s a day out for my son and kid brother. He’s special you know”, responds Bradley.
Campo asks hopefully, “So, you’ve never played before, but you know all about rugby, because you coach a kids team – so you can practice what you preach like?”.
“That’s the thinking”, says Bradley, “only they don’t do tackling at the Under 7s level”.

 

Then there was Captain Goulding, clearly oblivious to the carnage that awaits us, cheerfully muttering away incoherently. “His blind optimism might even see him through the game”, Campo hoped.

 

“This is so depressing”, thought Campo, “I think I’ll put my shoelaces to good use…..”
Reaching into his kit bag, he couldn’t find his shoelaces, as he had ‘forgot’ ** to pack his boots!!!

 

At that precise moment, the Southport 3s Captain came in, and thanked us for coming.
They’ll lend us some players to get the game on. 25 minutes each half, if we don’t get blown away or freeze to death beforehand.

He said he’s got a spare pair of boots, to the now beyond suicidal Campo. ***

  

* I think we all learned a lesson there today Duncan.

** Ok, we all know this old Muirhead trick, forgetting his boots so that he doesn’t have to play, but still can be involved on the side line. It was Campo’s last “get out” card….

*** Bizarrely, when the Southport 3s Captain gave Campo his boots, he said, “these should suit you Campo”. Campo looked at the writing on the boots, and it said “Predator”. (“I’m sure that Southport 3s Captain doesn’t know me”, queried Campo).

  

 

The Game Plan
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Never let it be said that Captain Goulding doesn’t know how to read the room:

“No one knows each other, so we’ll just go around all the lads and introduce ourselves. I’m Jay the Captain”.

We kinda agreed that names were too hard to remember, and just wanted to get this over and done with, and survive.

  

  

The Match
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Southport had kindly lent us 6 lads, so it was actually pretty even.

It was so cold, that we insisted on kicking off 10 minutes early.

In fact, we kicked off with only 10 men on the pitch, with Goulding doing some last minute inhaling, and Campo strategically placing the water bottles in the Sefton in-goal area.

  

 

The Big Mistake
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Bizarrely, it was the Southport 3s Captain that cocked up the stiffest today, with Captain Goulding making his usual flacid attempts.

 

Southport also had some new guys playing for the first time today, and these were the ones generously offered to put on a Sefton jersey.

But one of their ‘new’ guys, was really only a guy that just hadn’t played for Southport before. And he clearly had played at a very high level before.

And he put on the Sefton No 20 shirt.

From the kick off, this unknown guy, who didn’t tell us his name (it was probably Reacher, or Shane, or Clint), decided to take on the entire Southport team on his own.

The rest of us didn’t have to do anything all game.

‘Death’ (without his pale horse) made sure he took out each and everyone of those Southport players, leaving his best hit for the Southport 3s Captain right at the end, a cracking shoulder charge to the jaw.

Sadly, this guy had to play prop, against a proper prop, and the continual scrums eventually took their toll, and Southport won the game against the man with no name.

  

  

Master Tactician

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Such a shame that it was only 5 of us to bear witness to some of Captain Goulding’s astute decision making today.

One early example still can’t be removed from our memory….

  

Some background:

The scrums were kinda even, with the game kinda being just a friendly, and whoever fed the scrum, won the scrum.

There was a Force 10 gale today, and it didn’t take a rocket surgeon to determine which direction it was blowing.

 

The scenario:

Southport had scored, and their re-start had been carried away with the typhoon, well over the Sefton dead ball line.

The completely unbiased referee, Sefton Lady Coach Neal *, offered Sefton the choice of a scrum on the halfway, or a drop out from the Sefton quarter line.

“A drop out into something like the tornado that swept Dorothy away from Kansas” were impartial Neal’s exact words.

 

The quick calculating Captain Goulding doesn’t even have to think: “We’ll take the drop out sir”.

 

“Can anyone drop kick?”, is Captain Goulding’s next statement, to a bewildered Sefton team.

There’s a hushed silence, and then this Southport guy steps up and says he’ll have a go. He’s no doubt the Blandie of Southport.

He takes the ball and punt kicks it straight out!

 

The totally neutral referee, Sefton Lady Coach Neal *, has to think about this, and offers Southport the option of a lineout, or for Sefton to retake the drop kick.

“A drop kick that bounces off the ground before you kick it”, were fair minded Neal’s exact words.

 

Bizarrely, quick calculating also seemed to be a trait of the Southport Captain as well, with him deciding on Sefton to re-take the drop out.

 

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Up steps Captain Goulding, to put an end to all this nonce sense.

He takes the ball and punt kicks it straight into Dorothy’s twisting farm house!

The ball did manage to go forward initially, but then turned around and went backwards about 20 metres.

Basically, the ball went in the air like it does when it’s in Goulding’s hands.

With everyone scratching their heads, the game went on….

  

* Neal is actually a man. Now.

  

  

Kicking – General
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In these cyclonic conditions, with so much open space, only an idiot would dare to kick in general play.

An idiot, or someone who has been bestowed supreme authority.

 

Captain Goulding (Sefton 3s Kim Jung Un) was the only player in both teams to attempt any kicking in general play today, his goldfish like memory providing no indication of previous disasters or his own advice, and we had to put up with his kicking twice again.

Bizarrely, Captain Goulding actually believes he can do the impossible:

“I've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time”, he says, with a cheesy grin.

  

 

Kicking – Conversions
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In a tight game where points were hard to come by, and the result could well hinge on 2 points from a goal conversion, we really needed to ensure we made the most of our opportunities.

 

As mentioned above, Captain Goulding’s memory isn’t the sharpest, and very selective.

(Maybe we should call him Captain Nemo, or Dory?)

 

The magical 100% goal conversion rate from Campo last week proved about 6 days too far for Goulding, and he confidently took the ball after all 3 of Sefton’s tries.

Again, there is no need for brain science to determine the conversion kicking success in Sefton’s 15 point total tally, and Goulding may well need to take a week off from his ultimate power setting.

 

 

Jug Evasion
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Mikey Morgan, what a little rat.

With this type of game made exclusively for him (open spaces, no one tackling), he promptly runs in 2 easy runaway tries, putting Sefton in a winning position.

But it didn’t take Mikey long to work things out, and realise that another try would mean he’d have to go to the bar, so off he went for his hot early shower, holding out 2 fingers on one hand, and 1 finger on the other, muttering something about a calf cramp from his ankle tag.

  

 

Injuries
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Poor Jay Davies looked to have suffered some type of brain haemorrhage or something, finding himself in the clear, with the ball in hand, and an open tryline in front of him.

Maybe it was a brain freeze, given the Baltic conditions, but Jay went down for no reason, lost the ball, and lost the game, and went straight for a hot early shower.

(Maybe we should call him Devon Loch?).

 

Jay still continued with his “I feel muzzy and can’t focus” play acting after the game, insisting he can’t drive his car.

“It’s ok mate, you got off early, you got your hot shower, you can turn off the tears now”, prescribed Doctor Campo.

  

 

Sefton’s Man of the Match
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All the Sefton players did themselves proud today.

  

 

Blandie Fernandes

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Note that Blandie did, in fact, play for Sefton today.

It was for the Sefton 2s team. The Sefton 2s team that have won every game that Blandie does not play in.

Today, the Sefton 2s team lost.

 

The Sefton 3s team have lost every game that Blandie plays in.

 

I’ll let you do the maths.

 

   

Prognosis
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Sadly for the committed 6 lads today, that Captain Goulding decided on putting out a ‘team’ today, for it was not pleasant.

The heavy rain and strong wind was probably worse than wandering around Ikea for an afternoon, but full credit to the Southport lads for helping us out. A great bunch of lads who will be made welcome at Sefton later this season.

Rugby was the winner today, it wasn’t only Southport.

 

Next week, temporary stand in Captain Campo * will exclude Blandie from the ‘Availability’ Poll.

This should bring all the 3s Players back.

This, and the fact that we will be playing at home, not against Southport, and the naughty Storm Boelo won’t be there.

 

* Captain Goulding is going to New Orleans remember!

  

 

Yours,

Campo x