Newcastle Staffs away, you can imagine there wasn’t many takers. Precious had selfishly booked a holiday, during rugby season! What was he thinking? He must have scanned through the fixtures months in advance, and decided this was the game he didn’t want to play.

With the first team injury list getting longer, the seconds were drained of players, even cunningly selecting Christian Caine Jnr. so his dad would play. A sort of two for one offer. Enticing any third team players away from home was also problematic, other than Campo who always relishes the chance to wear his brown shorts, even Mark Dobie was requesting a home game, we’re doomed. Jack Beckwith eventually managed to persuade Mike Walsh and Jay Goulding to also join the crusade.

However, by Saturday the tears were in full flow, as first Pete Johnson cried-off, and then Matt Faulkner. Matt had only just flown back from America that night and was wondering why he felt so jet lagged, thinking that it didn’t affect you if you flew from West to East. Thirteen was the final number, provided some random prop that Phil Ingham had found on the internet turned up. Apparently that is where Phil gets all his men.

With Alistair McKie, Paddy McCleery, and Ali Telfer, the car was full of Irish, and we needed Campo with his Irish convict roots to translate for us. According to Campo, the conversation mainly revolved around drink and marrying your sister. Haha, those loveable Irish.

We arrive to a pitch neglected a cut for at least a couple of months, needing to follow the game trail to get through. The only advantage to this was the opposition would struggle too, the other good news was their first team were playing, so the Tongan ex-Internationals that apparently carved through Knutsford the previous week would not be doing the same to us.

---- The Game ----
I’d like to say we had a chance, but that was dispelled within the first few minutes. Despite the heroic tackling Sefton couldn’t cover the whole pitch, and Newcastle seemed to be able to score at will. Sefton’s prospects got worse fifteen minutes in when our recruited local prop limped off, the first of many retirements. The match was irrelevant this week, it was all about survival, and getting to the next match in one piece. Instead this week we should perhaps concentrate on the misdemeanours.

---- Kicking Update ----
We shouldn’t talk about Jay Evans kicking, I’m sure he realises by now, I’m going to focus all my efforts on that part of his game. Instead, this week we will focus on his eagerness to get yellow carded. At a young age, Jay is already falling apart, and after another injury he was aiming to last till half time (I suspect being out the previous night had something to do with it). But even this apparently was too much, so as a last statement before his departure, he decided to clothes line one of the opposition players, instantly getting a yellow card. His work here was done, and we were down to twelve.

---- Who is Sean Muirhead? ----
What can I say about Sean, that hasn’t already been said behind his back? This week Sean was determined to let everyone know about his problem. A misplaced hand resulted in him getting tackled in the tackle, telling anyone prepared to listen to him, in full graphic detail. Eventually, he decided he could carry on no more, and retired to the side line, holding his damaged member in both hands.

---- Outstanding Achievements ----
Both Paddy McCleery and Jay Evans tackling was immense, despite them both clearly being on the ale the night before. Luke Griffiths and Mike Walsh were also busy round the park, securing the ball and carrying into contact. Owen Collins was a titan on the field, not only putting in the tackles, steeling ball, and breaking the line, but also scoring the two Sefton tries during the rare occasion they found themselves on Newcastle’s try line.

Campo, who I usually pride myself on highlighting his inadequate rugby abilities was a rock at the back, not missing a tackle all day. However, if the opposition realised they only had to step to either side, instead of trying to run over him, I think they would have had more success, and a lot more tries.

With Ali Telfer, I now have to eat my words, after I mocked him last week for his perfectly timed Campo style air tackles, this week he was a different player, putting his body on the line. He even stepped into the stand-off position, when Jay Evans had his untimely departure, and didn’t disappoint.

Jay Goulding as ever, talked a good game.

In the end we were down to eleven players, and where grateful for the opposition’s offer to lend us a couple of players. By the end though Sefton were run off their feet, and it was agreed to cut the game early, before there was any more casualties.

Sean Muirheads was still bitter at the end of the match, and he claimed they were all a bunch of inbred farmers, which went down nicely with our local recruited player, who was standing next to him.

---- Child Protection ----
I don’t know what the policy is in the Ryan household, maybe they regularly walk around the house naked, however, Campo has taken it to a new extreme. Whilst parading around in the buff, he opened the changing room door to let the air circulate around his acorns, only to treat a women and her two kids to a full frontal. As the woman tries to shield her children’s eyes from being exposed to such grotesqueness, you can hear one of the children say "daddy’s doesn’t look like that". I can only imagine what counselling those kids will have to go through to get over such exposure.

A tough game that will be erased from my memory when that technology is available, including that vision of Campo prancing around in the nude. Captain Jack thought it should be a team 'Man of the Match', which is noble, but obviously some put more effort in than others.

Next week the second’s have a home game against Birkenhead Park, unsurprisingly Precious is available for this game, and so are a few more. It’s amazing what a week’s rest will do for you. Campo will be putting away the brown shorts, at least until the next long distance away game, South of the Mersey.