Sefton RUFC

Right!

Where do I start?

It seems like an age since my last match report, so much has happened!

Firstly, we have a new Captain, young Phil Ingham. More on that later.

And we got relegated to the lowest league. Basically this means that we cannot get relegated again.

Also, we've got James Goulding back, from Mossley Hill. I guess we can be thankful to Mossley Hill for their efforts, but I think James' "Returns Period" has well expired.

Pre-Game

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Today we head off to the Wirral again, and are met by our host's sign, "Welcome to Hel-

sby". 

Some of us remember the last time we were here, getting a spanking off their First team in a Cup Match. This is the place where Gomez 'broke' his arm and insisted on the placebo cast at the hozzie. Lightening doesn't strike in the same place does it.

Anyway, Captain Philip has managed to scrape together 11 good men, plus 2 ringers * from Mossley Hill 2s (who have managed to 'postpone' yet another fixture they cannot fulfil?!?).

Within the travelling faithful, are some Sefton 'usuals', Blandie, Campo, Phil, Brendo and Matty Williams, but we welcome back Kurdish Dave, who had wandered away from the flock, but now has reunited with us.

As well, Antony Ellis has finally pulled himself off his couch, after a 5 year absence from the Club. With a bit of fitness, Antony could actually press for the 2s I reckon.

There were a few “rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated” moments when Paul Walker turned up (Paul was playing first team before most of us were born!) and he was joined by Richie Lloyd (who was playing 3rd team before Paul was born!).

It was like one big extended family.

Making his debut for Sefton today, was the young Suffolkian student, Greg Dott.

It was actually Greg’s first ever game of rugby!!

* I say 'ringers' but they are really only 2nd team players from Mossley Hill. I mean, Les, their prop, must be getting close to being put out to pasture really. And Gary, the 10, I think he has come with an ulterior motive, to ensure Sefton don't win!!

The Match

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Like the Sefton First and Second Teams today, we scored first. 

And then went on, to lose handsomely. 

Basically the game was a series of scrums and line outs, interspersed with a try scoring sequence of Helsby, Sefton, then Helsby (repeated).

All Richie kept doing was walking to a scrum, then a lineout, then the halfway line for a restart.

Thank god we went uncontested in the scrums, Helsby had these 2 massive props who would’ve done some real damage to Mike Colons had he bothered to turn up today!!

The ref, although quite young, at 12 years old, did admirably, holding his own against the ol’ arses in both teams. 

The Break

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What is it with Helsby and serious injury?

I mean, the pitch is nice and soft, and you don’t get any softer than the 2 Helsby props, but today we had young Gregg Bott breaking his fibula in his leg.

Poor Greg’s Sefton Rugby Career was only 15 minutes old, he’d already scored what probably would have been the match winning try (had he stayed for the full game), when he gets caught ghosting down the touchline a we all hear a loud crack!

Dr Campo was quick to assess the injury, and tried to get Greg to continue playing, but he was not having any of it, and we had to carry him to the waiting arms of his girlfriend, the extremely embarrassed and disgraced, Charlotte.

None of us ever thought that the ankle injury would ever turn into something serious, until the next day when Greg confirms it.

6 weeks on crutches and a blow up boot. Good luck with that mate - come back soon!

(or just send Charlotte down instead!).

The Try of the Match

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In a game where NO ONE tackled, people like James Goulding are gonna step up. Not only does the ‘no tackling’ rule suit his style, but with the ball, he could put his ‘veer’ into practice.

Here’s Sefton, deep in their own half, with the scrum feed. 

Blandie takes it from the 8’s feet and runs towards our (ringer, Mossley Hill) 10, Gary. Blandie manages a (very short) left handed pass to Gary, who passes to Kurdish Dave at inside centre. 

The Helsby backs swarm to Dave like flies to a rotting mountain goat, but he passes to the unassuming Goulding outside.

Goulding actually catches the ball. He sets off on his low arching run, surely one leg must be shorter than the other?

He’s soon into the Helsby half, getting a nose bleed. Somehow, Campo has materialised and calls for an inside ball, it goes through his hands to a rampaging Brendo on the left wing.

(This is truly non-stop side to side stuff!)

Brendo is way in the clear, with only metres to go. He gets pegged

back by their winger, and drops the ball behind him. That’s like a pass for Brendo!

Campo is there to swoop on the ball and pass it back to the suspiciously lurking (Mossley Hill) Gary, who passes it straight to Helsby’s best runner, who sprints 90 metres to score under our posts!!

(And it wasn’t even their turn to score!).

This is truly end to end stuff.

It i snot exactly compelling. 

Prognosis

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I am going to recommend to our new Head Coach, the Welshman Jamie Luck, that we try to avoid starting well and scoring first. 

This tactic has clearly not been successful, but has only seemed to get the opposition angry and more determined to batter us. 

I reckon we should let the opposition score first, and very early in the game. This might quell their anger and perhaps they might take it easy on us. Maybe they won’t let us win, but a bonus point could be something we could aim for.

Ex-Captain Arron Gore - The End of an Error

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Sadly, after only one year in charge, we are disheartened to learn that last year's Captain, the inspirational Aaron Gore, has stood down.

Yes, after 20 years of "smashing 20 stone props" at the highest level, the once diminutive and nimble 10 has hung up his boots to "let his body recover”.

You may recall that Aaron guided the 3s to relegation last season and then presented himself with the “Player’s Player” Award.

He invented a new Award, the “You’d Be A Great Captain“ trophy, and gave it to the young, blind, Phil Ingham.

New "Captain Philip”

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Phil has naively taken the reins, and is showing lots of potential.

The 3 games we’ve played so far, he’s managed to remember the water bottles and ensure we get a game. Admittedly, the numbers haven’t been so good, but its got nothing to do with the likeable son of Lesbo Ingham.

But, just as Phil has got this 3s Juggernaut under way, he gets a job in Kent, starting next week.

Sadly, his tenure is up there with Mikey Morgan’s a few years ago, spitting his dummy after a similar number of games, and now we are rudderless again.

I’m sure Les is happy though, getting Phil off his hands. No doubt there’ll be a few hundred quid in the food shopping saved every week!

Talking about excessive food shopping bills…

Today we learnt that not-so-young Matty Williams is gunna be a dad.

Congratulations mate! Hope that extra mouth in the house gets a chance.

Brendo and the Magic Bar

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Similar to Kinne and his Magic Basket *, unashamed Aussie Brendo has managed to make pints of lager appear miraculously, just by leaning on the bar, and saying, “how ya goin’ mate?”, to the guy ordering next to him.

It’s uncanny, but poor Brendo has been blissfully unaware of the custom of ordering beer and having to pay for it.

Amazingly, this has been happening since he’s been at Sefton (many years).

But tonight, back at the Club, shamed Aussie Campo ** stood firm, and politely informed Brendo of the “drinking in a round” culture that exists outside Canberra ***.

So, for one beer only, Campo, Blandie and Goulding has their own Magic Bar.

* Check that out on YouTube!

** The very same Campo who has been driving Brendo around in his Magic Fiesta.

*** Canberra! Need I say more? Except that they are all VERY close down there. 

Campo xx