Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match

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What a pavlova!! Everyone jumping over themselves to make themselves unavailable. 

It’s like the 2 week break has given them the time to make up some new excuses...

Jack “Lemmy” Crone: Has a massive gig this afternoon “Loads of groupies you know!”. In Warrington. 

Tom James: My Sugar Daddy is taking me to the City of Love “to watch the France England game”.

Soccer fan Dave Willis: At Anfield to watch his beloved Liverpool do their weekly bullying. Calls himself a rugby player? He’ll be walking alone when we next see him. 

Downing: “My head is not right”. We know mate. It’s been 27 years now!

See Appendix: “Where is Everyone?”

  

We were bouyed by the return of the glamorous Brendo, who probably decided this was a winnable game. I had the feeling we’d be girled. 

Note: No, Brendo hadn’t been off sunning himself back in Australia over Christmas, he was in Ormskirk “visiting an uncle”. Kept very quiet though, must've been no reception in that locked basement?

  

As well, the Quaker Alan Harper showed up. Alan’s strict upbringing and beliefs, as you well know, has kept him in his 19th Century lifestyle. He has shunned all this modern and only plays rugby when he can walk to the game (“them cars are the work of the devil”). This also explains his aversion to the mobile phone. I understand he has one, but doesn’t (know how to) use it. 

  

  

The Match

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Unfortunately we only had 13 lads at 14:15, but Mossley kindly lent us (their worst) 2 players.

This was really disappointing as I’d worked hard all week getting a team together. Then, to rub salt into my wounds, Blandie says that I’m playing second row with Dobie!!

Ok, Dobie isn’t too bad, but second row??

What have I done to deserve this?? (Blandie - I am willing to take that paternity test - they are not my children!).

  

We kick off, and Mossley’s Paul Finn makes use of the strong cross wind to give us a line out throw on our goal line, which we win and kick out to our 22.

What starts now is a 18 minute loop of  3 minute segments of the same play:

Mossley win the line out, trundle forward and knock on. Sefton win the scrum and kick it out to our 22.

Repeat 6 times. 

  

We were lucky Mossley’s Paul Finn was at his innovative and individual best, Sefton were in this game for the full 80 minutes.

Strong, fast running again from Mikey Dempsey, if he wasn’t as ugly as his brother, you’d have serious doubts.

Front row Paddy Arnold also had a non stop game, once he cried away from the front row (and just what was Campo thinking? Stepping blindly into the hooker position!!).

But it was Adam Hunter who probably stood out the most (if you ignore the usual 3s ‘carriers’). Only small in stature, he ran round like a young Campo (from a bygone, black and white, era). Constantly taking the ball up, and menacing in defence.

  

  

Jug Ignoration

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Sefton 3s gratefully welcomed back one of its favourite sons, Matty Cunningham. And, on the pitch, Matty did us proud. 

Ducking, squirming, bobbing, twisting, and diving on his way to the tryline. In his 3 good tries, there was no thought of jug evasion, only Sefton.

Unfortunately, after the game, those thoughts of Sefton were clearly gone, with Matty unable to make his way to the bar.

Lets hope Matty can ‘play the game’ better next time.

  

  

Kicking

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One kick, one word: Blandie.

There we were, hard up against it, backs to the wall, defending on our line against the relentless Mossley onslaught. It seemed like an eternity. 

But then, a break in unwavering pressure. Mossley have knocked on.

A scrum to Sefton, and relief, we think, if we’re patient with the ball.

But no, Blandie wants to know how much more we can back up to the wall? How much further they can turn up the heat? How much more can Mossley throw at us?

He kicks from the base of the scrum.

Towards the beckoning safety of the touchline?

No, is his answer. Straight down the throat of the willing Mossley fullback. The willing, ginger, evasive and slippery Mossley fullback, who carves up the disjoined Sefton defensive line, and scores under the posts.

The answer to your questions Blandie, is, Nothing. We had given our all.

  

  

So Where is Everyone?

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Fortunately, we’ve managed to convince Mike Collins that the season is finished. 

His constant pleading, “Are we playing today? Are we playing today?”. It’s finally over.

His wife, and his work, always ringing, “Can you play him today? Can you play him today?”. No more.

Admittedly this will deprive some small Chinese village of their continuous fluorescent rugby boot making income, but it’s for the best. 

In the end, Mike has got to accept that he can’t play rugby. 

  

As for Yacob, well, he’s taken his destiny in his own hands. 

Impatient with the assured guaranteed promise of 50 virgins in the next life, Yacob booked himself on a one way ticket to Cambodia to do the “Gary Glitter Trail”. We are not sure if the British, or Yemen, governments are going to push for his extradition. 

“Work is sending me for a few weeks to do some charity work in India”.

Yeah. Sure!

  

The enigma that is Roscoe.

We are beginning to think that made poor Roscoe was only a short time to live and is working on his bucket list. 

Clearly, “Play Rugby”, was always going to be beyond his normal existence. 

This week, Roscoe has said his family have taken him to South Africa. Yesterday, he sent us a selfie on a beach, but the Antony Gormley statues in the background indicated its more Crosby than Cape Town. 

(I guess this would explain the other week when Dobie saw him in Liverpool’s “X in the City”, and Roscoe’s mother told him it was Lapland).

  

Finally, Chris McCleary is in a happy place.

Bullied all through his childhood and long adult life, unassertive and ignored (did he try to join the Police Force? Or even become a Security Guard?).

Chris is now a referee. 

Yes, for 80 minutes a week now, with the power of the Whistle, Chris can confidently wear stomach tight pink clothing and order others about.

And of course it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, people have to respect him!!

Fortunately, Sefton Refs are not allowed to ref Sefton Teams, so we are lucky to avoid him. But he is the new Jim Heaney. 

(I just hope Reffing is not in Roscoe’s bucket!).

  

(Editor’s Note / Correction: It has been pointed out to me that Chris did play for us today. For all we knew though, he may as well have been reffing somewhere else!)