Sefton RUFC

Sat 29 Jan 2022

Sefton 3rd XV

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Widnes 3rd XV

Sefton 3rd XV

Widnes 3rd XV

With our regular Aussie correspondent away in his native country, it has fallen to me to report on the third teams match. I will try and impart this information in Campo’s style of bending the truth, ignoring all aspects of the game, and emphasising all negativity. I hope I can do it justice.

A home game usually entices players out of the woodwork, and this was no exception. Brian Unsworth again promised he would make an appearance, this seems to follow the same course every week. His un-reliance is so well known now that his name is always written in pencil. A lot of the blame must go to Blandie’s insanity of repeating the same thing, and expecting a different result.

The management role and captaincy has fallen to Blandie for the next three weeks, and he was confident of a good performance. This was dispelled even before kick-off when Widnes turned up with no front row, players with no neck, and a fondness for the high tackle, licking their lips at the prospect of running at Brendo. It would be rugby league then!

--- The Early Retirement ---

There has been countless early exits from the game for many reasons throughout Sefton’s history. Grant Leary is probably the most common, and most renowned, recently only lasting three minutes before he was given his marching orders by the ref. Likewise, who couldn’t forget Jack Beckworth’s spectacular ninety seconds on a pitch before hobbling off head bowed in disgrace. Surely this record could not be beaten. However, records are there to be broken, and so was Darrell Smith. You would have thought Darrell would have learnt by now, after all he has been playing with the best tackle avoidance players in rugby, the likes of Campo and Chris McTeary, how could he not have picked up any tips? First contact was substantial, going up against their thick set number eight, there was only going to be one outcome. To be fair, he did bring him down, but it did not end well for Darrell, who suffered a crunching leg break within an impressive forty five seconds into the game. Poor Darrell who only came out of retirement so he could play a game with his two lads will have to wait now to fulfil his dream.

You would have thought there was more sympathy for the hapless forward, however, Grant Leary was already collecting the post protectors and flags to place on the other pitch so the game could be restarted, and Darrell was forgotten, under a pile of discarded coats, well before the ground got warm below his incapacitated body.

--- Free to roam ---

With no scrums, and now no Darrell to slow his progress the Widnes number eight had free range to trample through, and over Sefton, leaving players strewed in his wake, and travelling thirty metres before he was pulled down. Widnes found themselves in a great attacking position, and it wasn’t long before Blandie was giving his first advisory talk under the posts on how we were going to stop the Goliath.

Despite our enthusiasm in the task this would be Sefton’s ultimate problem, even suggesting we should throw another sacrificial lamb under his legs, but Steve Teal wasn’t keen. Despite Sefton’s dominance in the lineout, winning not just their own ball, but every single one of theirs, they just couldn’t get over the opposition’s try line no matter how many times they visited it. Widnes, on the other hand, capitalised on Sefton’s mistakes, and spilled ball, and added a further two converted tries to their tally.

--- The Catch ---

I do not say this lightly, but I saw a miracle happen. A high ball went up into the air and in the direction of Brendo on the wing. I could already see the forward pack preparing themselves for another scrum on the spot where Brendo would undoubtedly drop it. However, this did not happen, with the normally sketchy winger not only catching on the run, but also carrying it a good ten metres back into the fray. From that moment on our Brendo was unrecognisable, taking the ball up, rucking over, and even tackling, it was if he was possessed.

--- The second injury conundrum ---

Not to be outdone by Darrell’s dramatic exit, the ref goes down as if shot by a sniper in the long grass. Apparently his hamstring had gone, a part which I always presumed was removed from refs due to their inability to keep up with play. But no, Simon, our ref had somehow escaped that procedure, and had to limp off, unable to continue. A call for a ref went out, and Brian Gardner walks onto the pitch. Brilliant, I thought, perhaps he knows someone who can ref. He didn’t unfortunately, he was offering his services. An early half-time was called whilst Brian went to find his whistle, his moral high ground, and his total disregard for the laws of the game.

As we were waiting, we gathered around Darrell checking on his wellbeing, and making sure he was warm enough while he waited for an ambulance. Everyone but Grant, who was off on his own shadow boxing, getting ready for his inevitable yellow card.

Widnes’ fondness for the high tackle was apparent, as they had the inability to go any lower than the shoulder. Billy Heist’s head seemed their favourite, with him receiving several attentive high hugs. After several penalties, Sefton waited patiently, expecting that Brian would soon start to brandish his cards. After a few more untimely tackles, questions were starting to be asked of Brian’s hesitation in handing a card out. The truth was, admitted Brian as another high tackle went in, I don’t actually have any cards. Surely anything would do, the stained underpants of sHamling, or the blood soaked shirt of Billy Heist would suffice, but Brian was adamant, no one was going off without the use of a card. Grant Leary was furious, having gone off minutes earlier because of a dislocated finger, that flopped around as if it had a mind of its own. The only time he had free range to do whatever he wanted, with no card consequences, and he was unable to play. However, it wasn’t missed that Sefton seemed to be doing better with Leary off the pitch.

--- Team Try ---

As in most third team games, the try is listed as a team try, although Billy Heist was registered as the scorer, when he nipped through a gap close to their line. However, his most commended performance came in defence, when he chased a player down and tackled him yards from the line to prevent what would have been a certain try for Widnes.

--- Kicking Update ---

The club may notice a lack of rugby balls left in the store room, this is solely down to one person, James sHamling. Princess’ efforts in kicking all the balls over the fence, and onto the golf green was unrivalled. With the gradual dispatch of each ball, we were left with ever more degraded match balls, eventually left with something that was probably in circulation when the Spencer’s last played.

--- Definite try denied by spiteful ref ---

It’s last play, and Sefton are driving forward with Widnes’ try line only yards away. A ruck is formed just short of the line, and the ball lies six inches from the line, with Lanky standing over it. A swift transfer from one side of the line is all that is needed, however, the ref sees it differently, disregarding this perfectly legitimate try, and awarding the opposition a penalty, dismissing my plea long enough so he had time to make up an unsubstantial reason not to award it. For me this has far reaching consequences, as my try quota has direct correlation to certain favours distributed by my non-wife on a Saturday night. He just seems to ruin everybody’s day, that try would have been fifty metres out by pub closing time.

A far tighter game than first expected, with a welcome return for Johnathan Tebbs who has been out for a far bit due to injury. Adam Hunter again performing at a higher standard than Campo reports, however, Man of the Match went to Dan Drakeley, who performed superbly in the air at lineouts, and put himself about in open play. Two players there who surely deserve a chance in the first team in the near future.

There is probably a happy, smug Aussie out there, pleased that Blandie is taking the third team in the right direction on the road to relegation. Some news on Darrell Smith who dislocation and fracture his ankle, we wish him a speedy recovery, and hope to see him soon. Perhaps he could meet up with Grant and they can compare floppy body parts together.

Lanky