Sefton RUFC

A bottom of the League battle was on the cards as Sefton visited Trafford MV.

 

Saturday morning was spent deflecting messages asking whether the game was still on, as players stared out of their window at the torrent of rain coming down. It was on, and Trafford were obviously confident of taking a win after their win at Sefton early in the season.

 

A mixture of the second and third team made up the squad, which has become the norm over this season. A new addition was Anthony Hawksford, a Colt who has been waiting for a chance to play for two years now since the Covid outbreak.

 

Sefton started well, on a half flooded pitch, which drenched you as soon as you hit the ground. The initial forward play allowed Sefton to gradually gain ground within Trafford’s half, which eventually resulted in a penalty within their twenty-two. Gorgeous duly slotted a kick between the posts for the three points.

 

The scrums were solid with Campo securely nestled between the ample bosoms of Jack Crone and Matt Faulkner. This gave the backs plenty of opportunity to attack Trafford’s back line. However, it was from the forwards where the first try came. An early sign came when Jack Crone crashed over the line and was just held up, but despite this Trafford couldn’t escape their half, and Sefton were soon back on their try line.

 

--- Hand of God ---

A scrum five metres from Trafford’s try line is a gift for a strong scrummaging pack. This tends to have the number eight and the scrum-half licking their lips with anticipation of an easy try after the front five do all the work. A steady trundle allowed JP Ellis to control the ball with his feet at the back, and as it rolled over the try line he dutifully dived onto it. However, JP was dismayed to hear from the ref that someone had touched the ball before he got there. My snipping skills at flanker had beaten the hapless JP, placing a fingertip on the ball a millisecond before him, thus taking the glory. Gorgeous converted.

 

Sefton continued to press, but Trafford were up fast in defence, often encroaching the off-side line, and not allowing Sefton any space. With ten minutes to go till half time, two step Pete was replaced by Grant Leary, who had been simmering on the side line. The book had been out long before the match started, on how long he would be on the pitch before receiving a card, with one person offering a generous ten minutes. He lasted three. A high tackle, in which Leary rags the Trafford player around the head, receiving a yellow card. Leary pleads his innocence, saying “he just ran into my forearm”, but the ref wasn’t having any of it.

 

Now down to fourteen, Sefton were in defensive mode for the remaining five minutes of the half. Trafford pushed for a score, as Sefton desperately defended their try line. The ball goes blind and they step through, looking like it’s going to be a definite try, only for the ball carrier to be stopped dead in his tracks by Jack Crone. With this Sefton escaped, and survived the onslaught.

 

At half time, Steve Teale comes on, as well as Brendan McCrudden, and with Leary on after his ten minute rest, Sefton were back to full strength. A break down the blinds side by JP Ellis puts the defence in retreat, and then the ball is popped back inside to Adam Hunter who goes on a solo run down the centre of the pitch. Trafford were unable to catch the elusive flanker, and he goes over under the posts. Gorgeous converted.

 

Either Trafford were starting to tire, or Sefton were playing with flare, as this time Leary goes through the centre unimpeded, with Trafford’s defence back tracking to cut him off. An uncharacteristic pass by Leary puts Gorgeous through under the posts, converting his own try.

 

With a mud covered ball it was surprising how good Sefton’s handling was. Another quick passing sequence through the backs reached Tom James on the wing, and he races away round the outside and dives over in the corner. The conversion out wide was kicked over by Gorgeous.

 

In the final fifteen minutes the game just became a mud bath, with both sides becoming a mass of unrecognisable shirts. This might explain why Brendo passes the ball straight to the Trafford winger, who speeds away and goes over under the posts to at least give Trafford something from the game.

 

The final play was an endless stream of penalties against Sefton with the ref marching them back from deep inside Trafford’s half, all the way inside Sefton’s twenty-two. Despite this Sefton managed to hold out without letting the opposition over.

 

A great team performance to give Sefton 2nds their first win of the season. A solid front five dominated the set pieces, and outstanding play from the back row of Adam Hunter, Grant Leary, and JP Ellis. Defence and handling skills in the backs was faultless, all controlled by Gorgeous at stand-off who got Man of the Match.

 

Coming off the pitch the team looked unrecognisable, with the mud caked on. All except Tom James, who looked remarkably clean, with his shirt probably able to go right back into the kit bag without a wash. His excuse was that no one could catch him. I’m not convinced by his claim.

 

Next week all three senior teams are at home, with the second team entertaining Liverpool Collegiate. Let’s hope Sefton can keep up their 100% winning record for 2022. I'm off now to give JP some advise on how to score tries.

 

Lanky

  

  

Campo’s Addendum to Lanky’s Drivel: The Truth Hurts….

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Trafford MV - The Journey

————————

A word of warning to anyone contemplating getting a lift with Lanky.

Don’t.

And certainly don’t think about riding shotgun if you don’t fancy trying to convince Lanky where to go.

As for the driving: He weaves, he darts, he leaves a trail of mayhem, as he innocently picks pasta from his mini lunch box, and ignores the Google map on his phone.

Those traveling behind us, Pete Johnson, Steve Teale and Jack Crone, (all separately) were held up nearly an hour, in 3 separate motorway incidents that weren’t there when Lanky went through.

 

 

Pre-Match Build Up

————————

Obviously, in a team that has gone through the season defeated, we are all eager for Lanky’s motivational speech.

Surprisingly, Lanky was positive, thinking that these guys are beatable, as they are second last in the league.

He also highlighted his brand new headgear and boots for this game. It’s going to be special and he was feeling lucky.

It was probably not the best way to end his speech, as all the lads had horrible visions of Lanky getting a crippling injury where the paramedics have to cut the new headgear away and saw off his bright new boots. It could be a terrible waste.

We grit our teeth and soldier on.

 

 

The Imaginary Try

————————

In a game played on a pitch resembling the Somme a hundred odd years ago, you are lucky to see any line markings.

There was no grass to mark, it was just water and mud. No one knew where any lines were, let alone a try line!

Gotta hand it to JP Ellis for trying though.

Close to the Trafford sticks, JP gets the ball and dives straight to the ground. He jumps up claiming a 5 pointer.

There’s a hushed embarrassed silence. Even the Traffodanians look a bit sorry for JP.

Campo tries to difuse the situation, “he’s a bit simple ref, can you award him a “try” but we won’t count it?”.

No, the ref is adamant. You can’t score a try on the 5 metre line. Scrum to Trafford.

The Sefton players congratulate JP over-exaggeratedly, telling him what a good effort he’s made. JP seems happy enough, his tounge is still flapping.

 

 

The Team Try

————————

Sefton had been camped on the Trafford try line for ages and get another inexplicable penalty (the ref seemed to have his own rules).

With a dominant pack, we opt for a scrum and soon have the Trafford forwards skidding over their dead ball line and Sefton are awarded a push over try, with JP Ellis laying on top of the ball.

Clearly the Number 8 is the only one who can score in a push over try, but Lanky insists that it’s his try! (2 of his taped fingers are stuck between JP’s belly and the ball).

“But only the 8 can score, the flanker has to stay attached”, we shout.

“Maybe”, says Lanky, “but who is the Captain?”.

 

 

“Who’s the Captain?”

————————

Earlier this year, in the corresponding fixture at Sefton, Lanky got ripped an extra appendage in the front row, so he was quick to put Campo in at hooker today.

Captain Lanky bravely played himself at flanker, until the scrums were uncontested late in the game and Campo was promptly replaced.

Lanky then steps into the uncontested hooking position.

 

 

The Turning Point

————————

Campo was sent to the sidelines, with Sefton comfortable at 31-0, and Brendo was brought on.

Sefton’s scoring spree was promptly shut down.

Brendo tried, but couldn’t get Sefton to add to their tally.

Although he did get to claim the ‘Assist of the Match’ Award:

New scrum half, Anthony Hawksford, has not been briefed on “Who Not to Pass To”, and Brendo finds himself with the ball.

He automatically goes into Voluntary Tackle mode and trips himself over.

On his way down, Brendo beautifully slips a one handed pass from under his body, perfectly timed into the waiting arms of the young Trafford winger, who gleefully sprinted away to score a gift try.

To be honest though, it was a nice pass.

 

 

The New Alan Harper

————————

It’s been a couple of seasons now since we’ve spoken of ‘Handbags’ Harper.

Alan was famous for getting confrontational with the opposition.

His bark as we all know, was worse than his bite.

Today we had Tom James back.

Back from a year away, with the armed forces, who we hoped had made a man out of him.

For young Tom was also well known for his abrasiveness.

Sadly, we quickly realised that the new Tom James is still the old Tom James.

Bravely sitting out in the wing (being tutored on the sideline by Professor Brendo who has a doctorate in Action Avoidance), Tom sees things that no one else sees.

He comes flying in, swinging wildly, punching players that no one else sees.

All the more noticeable because he is still spotless, in this mud ridden pool!

He has an aura, like Gandalf the White, amongst the Orcs.

We can only prey for the defense of our nation….

 

 

Shower Scrutiny

————————

Obviously, with the game played underwater, there was a lot of time required in the showers.

Little Young Lanky (Isaac?) showed a clean pair of heels to get into the limited showers first.

Unfortunately for him, his heels were the only thing that were clean and he needed a long time to clean himself.

With the rest of the team queuing patiently (mainly the older players I thought), young and supple Isaac finally managed to finish himself off, arching and stretching to find those hard to get dirty areas, with Campo eager to point out anything missed.

He’s a lot different to his father – maybe the lustrous hair on his head will soon move to his smooth back?

Anyway, we are looking forward to the Colts and U17s joining the Senior Teams in the next few weeks.

 

Yours,

Campo x