Sefton RUFC

Lanky: Sefton’s Liz Truss

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Leadershit. It’s what this country and Sefton are suffering.

Lanky, who may as well have “Tory” written on his forehead, clearly spent too much time over his laminated Liz Truss poster this week.

Time he should have spend organising his 2nd Team.

Surprisingly, he still had the imagination to post a fantasy 2s Team lineup at midnight last night, based on fictional and 3rd Team players.

I feel I am Sefton’s Kwasi Kwarteng…

 

 

Pre-Match Shuffling

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With the 2s having a 2:30 kick off, I sit patiently in the lonely change room.

But I can hear Goulding’s boasting outside on the pitch…

I go out, and see half my team are playing for the 2s!

There’s Paddy Arnold standing on the 10 metre line, James Bond getting hit high and late, the grey ghost that is Tealey, and the gibbering Goulding.

A sheepish looking Lanky waves apologetically.

  

  

The Warm Up

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Oldershaw turned up with good numbers, heavy on experience. Sefton only had 10 men, but a much lighter 10 men.

Our warm up consists of standing in a circle, passing the ball around, marvelling at Brendo, who clearly never played “pass the parcel” in his deprived childhood.

We steel ourselves for some open, running rugby.

  

  

The Game

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Lots of space, lots of long hopeful passes.

Sefton were probably more used to playing with their old bald balls.

Poor Oldershaw struggled with the slipperiness and knocked on for the whole first half.

The mummified Oldershaw number 10 (must have a deal with a surgical tape manufacturer), was a prime culprit, with the ball getting tangled in his long grey beard.

This, combined with the uncontested scrums, meant Sefton had most of the ball, and scored all their points before half time.

The second half was Oldershaw’s...

Recovering from the Sefton onslaught, they started to pass to their nimble wingers, who punctured the huge gaps, scoring long distance tries.

  

  

Brendon Sissorhands

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In what can only be described as ungentlemanly unsportsmanship, Oldershaw were targeting Brendo with their restarts.

(Were they aroused by watching a grown man waving his arms in the air and ending up hugging himself?)

This led to many scrums and lineouts, to Oldershaw.

“That’s not fair, why are you doing this?”, I plead.

“We’ve seen him in the lineouts, it’s our best chance of getting the ball back”, reply’s the gleeful Oldershaw kicker.

  

  

Brendo the Magnificent

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Now you see him, now you don’t.

Perhaps I harp on too much, of the magic that is Brendo. He is a rare talent indeed.

(I mean, everyone used to believe that all Aussies could play rugby!).

Today, Brendo magnificently performed his usual on-field disappearing act to perfection.

One minute he is trying to sort his hair out, shouting, “water!”, to the barren sideline, the next minute, he has literally disappeared!!

It was only when the number of scrums decreased, did we realise Brendo was missing.

After a while, his pale image reappeared though. “Where have you been?”, we enquire.

“My girlfriend is here, she’s watching the 2s, I wanted her to see the blood on my shirt”.

(Do not fret! Before the game, Brendo had showed me these “Stage Blood” capsules he’d got of that Internet).

  

  

Blandie’s Mental 30 Seconds

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On a full pitch, with only 21 men playing, there will be space.

Lots of space and massive gaps.

Blandie eventually found one big enough to accommodate his burgeoning frame, and stepped through it with a flourish that brought visions of an old Brian Gardiner.

He is surprisingly quick over 2 metres, and all but the sprightly Oldershaw winger give up.

The winger tracks him down, so Blandie times one of his classic rainbow passes to an over enthusiastic Campo. (‘Rainbow’ sounds much nicer than ‘hospital’).

Campo is floored by the winger. Brendo picks up the ball and has Matty Williams besides him.

There is no one about. Everyone is on the halfway waiting for the restart. The winger and Campo are lying prostrate.

Blandie is knackered. Matty has done nothing all game. (I mean, fullback? With only 10 men?).

A no brainer. Pass it it Matty and give him his eternal glory….

But no. Blandie has visions.

He’s YouTube’d “Rugby”.

He kicks the ball forward, into the empty in goal area. Making Matty run for it, to score cheaply.

The sickening thing is, the kick worked. Blandie will no doubt be storing that one in his memory bank for later use. We can only hope it’s not during a game.

  

  

Mental Mikey

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I know I may have mentioned in the past about the merits of not going to a doctor *, but I think Mikey’s self diagnosis to miss only one game for a hamstring is pretty reckless and fatuous **.

But, showing true 3rd team character, Mikey laid the top half of his right leg on the line for us today.

Mikey seemed to forget about his hamstring on a number of occasions, sprinting around with the ball and making try saving tackles.

For his effort in the pitch, and perhaps more so in the bar afterwards, I reckon he was our real man of the match.

*  I mean, who likes being told that they can’t play rugby? (besides Goulding).

** we learnt a few valuable lessons today. Calling Mikey fat seems to make him angry and don’t even think about calling him Jay!

 

Talking about Jay Dempsey, we offer him our heartfelt congratulations on the birth of his first child. A fantastic step towards outbreeding after so long.

It’s a girl, but they can always try again. (maybe get Jamie Luck in).

 

   

A Gift for the Birthday Boy

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This morning, as Chris blew out the 50 odd candles of his birthday cake, he couldn’t have possibly believed that his secret wish would ever come true.

But, credit to some excellent orchestration and the generous charity of Oldershaw, we managed to get Chris over the line to make his day complete.

  

The game was basically over, with the result virtually confirmed. Last play.

To plan, the Oldershaw Captain had a quiet word with his players, as they walked back for the final restart.

Not to plan, they kicked off to JP McDonald!!

Potential disaster.

Amazingly, JP catches the ball. Not bad really, after 2 seasons, this is the first time he has even been near the rugby ball!!

JP is perplexed. “What do I do?”.

We point animatedly towards the goal posts, and shout, “run forward / Forest”.

JP starts a twisting run through the swan diving Oldershaw forwards.

The bewildered JP is clear through to the try line, clearly way out of his comfort zone now. There’s no one around for miles.

As he nears the line, JP turns and throws a fairly reasonable pass. To no one. (where did he learn to pass, we wonder?).

The ball settles on the grass, for an uncomfortable amount of time. Too long to be believable, I feel.

Dave Willis sprints from the half way line, scoops it up and passes to Chris who falls under the posts!! (What was Chris doing there, we wander? *).

*  Before the game, I’d arranged for Chris to hide behind their goal posts all game, just waiting for his ‘opportunity’.

  

  

Prognosis

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Well done to Oldershaw, getting a team together for their trip across the water.

Disappointing from Sefton, with only 10 men, this destroyed and Oldershaw plans of a slow game with the ball up the jumper.

One could imagine a different result if Sefton stalwarts, Alan Harper and Dave Edwards, had made good their threats of turning up.

Regards,

Campo x