Sefton RUFC

Pre-Match Build up

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During the week I thought I would remind my players of the recent Blackburn 190 nil win over Kirkby Lonsdale, and the 100 points Wigan put on Collegiate.

I don’t want our boys ever to be too confident - we don’t win by those scores at Sefton, we always give the opposition some respect.

   

  

The Drain

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Once again, the 2s recruitment policy is strictly enforced: Why chase 2s players when we can rely on the 3s.

Lanky’s opposition have only brought 12 players, and Lanky has a healthy 15.

With the 3s late kick offs now, Campo asks for a few spare players, and it’s only 20 minutes to Prenton.

“Sorry Campo”, a grinning Lanky beams, “all my players can only play at home today, they have important things to do straight after the match”.

   

  

It’s About the Journey

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As usual, I’d picked up Blandie from his house, and he’s in the passenger seat. Maybe I should call it “The Couch”.

Blandie is not in the highest of spirits. “11 players? How is today going to be enjoyable?”.

I tell him to try and enjoy his afternoon, don’t think about the game, relax and look beyond your boundaries.

  

  

Pre-Game Synopsis

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We arrive at Prenton in good time.

We only have 11 players, Prenton have loads, so they generously give us 2 players, we play 13 vs 14.

We have a lady ref, and perhaps subconsciously, decide to make things easy for her….

  

  

The Game

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Unfortunately, all 11 Sefton players were suffering from cacomorphobia today.

There were probably more tries in the game, than tackles made.

Most of us were in 2 minds: stay on the half way line, or stay in the in goal area?

A credit to the 2 loaned Prenton players who, although they’d never played before, must’ve learnt a little of how they play rugby at Prenton. Hopefully they’ll not carry any scars from today.

  

  

The Match Plan

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With Prenton closely fenced in by the local golf course and the hillbilly farm next door, an early shout was to force Prenton to score under the posts.

Their Jonny Wilkinson like kicker was firing the ball into the golf course (giving them golfers some of their own medicine!), and soon there was concern for the number of rugby balls available.

But then the totally selfless Matt Bland, with thoughts that the game may not be able to continue, tells the Prenton kicker to convert from the other side of the post, to stop losing all the balls.

Sefton have to change to Strategy B: Encourage them to score out wide.

  

  

The Tackle

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(Ok, it wasn’t a successful tackle, but it was an attempted tackle. And there was some feebleness involved).

Prenton had this massive prop, with thighs that matched Blandie’s girth *.

He had stood patiently on Hamling’s Drop Zone Point, and was soon slowly trudging towards the quivering Sefton forwards, who were waiting on the half way line.

He has time to take his pick, unfortunately Campo is in his unwavering line to the Sefton posts.

To his credit, Campo does very well to get get out of the way, the burgeoning thigh only lightly brushing his shoulder.

Lying comfortably on his side (the “Lanky Position” **), Campo could easily easily have got up and caught up with the slow moving pistons but thought, “bugger that, I’ll just wait here for the restart”.

 

* Blandie is constantly going on about his weight loss program, in a perverse attempt to fit into his Lycra ski gear from 20 years ago. “Sticking to Bitter shandies now, I think I’ve lost a few pounds”.

Yeah right. In your jeans!

 

** Similar to the “Coma Position”, the perfectly healthy ‘patient’ manually places himself in a comfortable position, laying on his side, holding his head up with his bent arm to allow better viewing of the game.

 

   

Scrums, Lineouts.

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Sefton more than held their own on both fronts.

Against the heavier pack it was route 1 in the scrums.

Unfortunately, the relaxed Blandie, at 9, struggled to travel the 2 metres from the feed to the 8, and his opposite number would often pick the Sefton ball up.

(I’m not sure if that counts as a Sefton scrum win?)

 

The Kicking

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Hamling was in his element today.

Commandeered the field like a midfield General.

He was impervious, immobile on the centre spot. Every restart was immaculate. High, hanging, pinpointing the same spot, 15, 16 times. He was relentless, like a machine.

The Prenton players were queuing up at that exact spot. Each time it was an easy catch, then a bumpy 65 metre run to score under the posts. They were like lemmings.

Hamling had one job to do today.

That’s all he did, and he did it well.

  

  

Final Submission

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All game, I was constantly questioning the ref - for we hadn’t agreed on a safe word prior to the game.

“pineapple”?

“unicorn”?

In the end, a simple, “I think we’ve had enough sir”, was all it took.

NB. If the game had’ve gone on for the full 80 minutes, I think Prenton may have run away with it.

  

  

Self Diagnosis

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We had a lot of time to have a good hard look at ourselves today.

And most of us kept their eyes closed.

Goulding had looked on wistfully at the game next to us, where the Prenton First Team were getting a pasting from fellow mid-tablers, St Edwards. “Why couldn’t we play the Prenton Firsts today?”, he asked.

Personally, I prefer to look at others when shame and blame are involved, and Blandie is always an easy target.

  

  

Post Mortem

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As usual, in the showers, Blandie will do anything for shower gel.

It is quite sad really, he’s the only guy in the whole team that is never Lynx’d up after Christmas.

His ‘ loving family’. It’s tragic really.

I ask him about his state of mind now.

“This has been a great day, I saw an emu, an alpaca and a dog. No lynx’s though.

I’m bringing the kids here next week, it’s like the Safari Park, only cheaper”.

   

A number of the lads are clearly suffering “Kirkby Lonsdale” Syndrome: not even bothering getting changed, jumping in their car, and never playing away again.

Hopefully they are not too hungry, because they couldn’t even tackle a salad!

 

I worry about newbie Chris Lewis. He took this hard today.

He’s gotta realise that this kind of thing happens a lot at Sefton.

I will direct the RFU Trauma Counselling team straight to Chris, once they finish at Collegiate.

  

  

Prognosis

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A tough day at the office for those who came for more than a shower and a beer.

But, while licking our wombs, we can take some solace from the following:

S1. Prenton will be promoted, so we won’t have to play their 2s again. Or their 1s.

S2. Sefton 1s and 2s also got beaten (Lanky lost 3 players early to injury as well!).

S3. Mark Dobie’s mystery “Away Ankle” injury will be ok for our next home game.